One day (like every day) I’m folding laundry and I make an off-handed remark about boys and skid marks. I pick up a pair of Wally’s underwear to fold and comment on how they must never outgrow it…
“You’re one to talk!” Wally retorts.
“Excuse me?” I say as I make a face that really says what the fuck.
“I’ve folded your panties before. Your skid marks are worse than mine!” he defensively replies.
My ‘what the fuck?’ look is immediately replaced with a incredulous expression of disbelief.
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
“The stains in your underwear. Hello!” he smugly declares.
“Oh. My. God. That is NOT skid marks!”
“Yeah, right.”
“Ohmygawd, have you never heard of the self-cleaning properties of a v@gina?” I smart back as my voice rises in tone and pitch.
“The what?” he asks in a confused manner……
And I had to explain to my husband of over 10 years how v@ginas are like self-cleaning ovens and have this daily, um, stuff, because they are self-cleaning. And once the panties start to show some age, especially white ones, um, yeah. It is NOT skid marks!
There we sat face-to-face, and I know for 10 years my husband has had this image of me standing all alone in the kitchen in my usual put-together Gap mom look, ripping wet, juicy, skid-mark making farts in my pretty lace-trimmed hipster panties.
I would have to be alone when I acted out this disgusting habit because he has never heard me release a juicy fart. Ever. Because I don’t. If I’m in doubt of the moisture quality of impending flatulence, I go sit on the toilet…..like all grown people should!
Not only did he believe I rip these type of juicy farts but that I did it to such degrees that I was worse than a man.
WORSE THAN A MAN!
For over 10 years of marriage, he has held this belief of me in his mind.
How will our marriage ever recover from the scars of this deep-seated but untrue belief?
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Men are uch simple creatures. As long as you realize simple = stupid.
Lies. He has lived with lies all these years…hee hee
He will recover…next time he wants to get into said skidded panties…hee
Oh, my gosh!!! That is too funny! Men.
Don’t feel bad, I had a friend whose husband didn’t realize that women use toilet paper every time they go to the bathroom. He
OMG! That is hilarious! I am also amazed! He has done laundry? I like what Sara said:
simple=stupid!
I have to agree with Sara here too… Whatever men come up with in their somewhat twisted, simple minds must be real, and any proof you offer them to the contrary goes right out the other ear.
OMG the things you blog about!!! loving it.
OK that was my laugh for the day! Hilarious! I don’t think my husband would ever notice such a thing- he has holes in his briefs and doesn’t want me to replace them!
Omygosh, you have me falling off my seat. At work. Thank goodness my husband has never done my laundry.
OMG You are cracking me up Heather!
SO not cool King! They just don’t get “it” do they…
LOL – OMG – This was soooo funny!
Too funny.
And yes, your marriage will recover from this. It’s the next ‘discovery’ that I’m looking forward to reading about…
I’m not one to talk, I didn’t even know boys could pee sitting down until I was at least 18.
It was nice of him not to ever mention it until this point though, I think?
“I go sit on the toilet if I’m in doubt of the moisture quality of impending flatulence”
I almost peed my pants, too funny.
Bwahahahahahahahaha! There are no words. Thanks for the good laugh.
I say this in a whisper…I’ve heard some juicy farts from your hiney.
Tee Hee.
Jennifer
Thanks for the belly laugh. You are a riot!
Jennifer…you are such a liar.
Hilarious – thank you for starting my Sat off with a laugh!
Heather, you are a riot!!
He thought you had skid marks?!?!
What a silly, silly man.
I just laughed so hard I almost shit my pants! LOL Thanks for the laugh!
LMAO!!!!! You rock!!!!
Oh. My. God.
You owe me a new keyboard! I just spit coffee everywhere!
I LOVE IT!!!!!
This post made me laugh so hard…I damn near pee’d my pants!
Thanks for the laugh today! You are a riot. Love it.
Thanks for the laugh HotMama.. I just finish venting on my page only to buzz over to yours…
And damn near woke my kids up from laughing so hard!!
2damnfunny
Hilarious!
I always wondered about the ‘stuff’ and what other women called it. From now on, I’m just going to link to your entry when I need to reference ‘stuff’………. ha!!
I’m a bit late to this, but I had to say thanks! Because now I don’t have to worry about my “self cleaning” stuff in my panties…I always thought I was just weird or gross or something.
You crack me up!
Late to this as well, but my husband said the same thing about my panties. And my response was, do you see how the slightly yellowed fabric is in the front, like, directly under my friggin’ vagina? And not, say, under where my anus would be?
Mens, they crack me up.
Wait – your husband does laundry and *folds* your panties? Now, that’s unbelievable.
I Google’d “skid marks” and found this blog. The internet is a strange place. Thanks for contributing to the weirdness