Life as a Hermit Crab And Lots of Smoke
Posted by Heather in Rare Moments of Seriousness, This Mom GigOhhhh, to be a hermit crab. I think it would be a sweet life. You know, to stay in your own little shell where the only rules you have are the ones you make. Where you can be as different as you want to be and it isn’t different. It’s just normal because it’s your own world.
During summer vacation, I forget how different things are. How Payton breaks the mold in so many ways. When it’s just us and few select other people that we interact with, it’s easy to forget.
I’m not getting phone calls from a teacher every few days with another tale of differentness or situation she can’t manage with him. No fights over tucking in a shirttail, (not my rule, the school’s rule) or the Emmy award winning drama series of putting a curl on the loop of a damn ‘Y’.
It’s just us and golly, doesn’t everyone do things the way we do?
But then, we peek out of our shell for a while and I’m reminded no, they don’t.
I’m the one with the kid who is throwing a humongous tantrum because we are at an amusement park. A 7 year old having a hissy fit worthy of a two year old for all to hear because we took them to an amusement park. How dare we. Stopping to tell everyone as loud as he could, pointing his finger to our back as we keep walking, that we’re the worst parents in the world, that we’re stupid and mean. All because it’s an amusement park. And refusing to shut it. I try to get through his thick skull but he will not shut the fuck up, spewing every bad thought he is having about us. Until I drag his ass, kicking and screaming, into a bathroom and threaten to wash his mouth out with soap if he doesn’t stop talking ugly about me and his dad.
Then there’s Parker, quietly waiting on us as I fight down the urge to beat the tar out of his brother, and he wants to go ride some rides. His eyes light up at the sight of the swings and ferris wheel and tea cup rides. And I’m torn between one child who wants to go be an average kid and have some typical amusement park fun and another child who, for whatever reason, is overwhelmed with this place and is melting down.
What do I do? The hell if I know. I’m all fine and dandy with Payton not stuffing his emotions and expressing how he feels. I remember being little and thinking I had the worse parents ever at times. But there’s a line between venting and being downright disrespectful.
I feel like I’m constantly redrawing that line over and over while Payton laughs in my face as he erases it. Back and forth, back and forth we go.
Or how about the birthday party that we can’t stay at because, again, for whatever mysterious reason, Payton refuses, absolutely refuses to even come into the backyard. Forget that there are all of these cool carnival games that most kids would drool over and prizes galore. No, it’s in his head that he won’t and it’s stuck and there’s no going around it. He doesn’t just refuse, but screams, cries and runs when anyone but myself approaches him. Thinking back, we’ve not been able to stay for more than an hour at a party before having to leave.
God forbid I put on the crown the hostess gave me, just to be silly. You would have thought I went door-to-door delivering mail in my own birthday suit while singing The Sound of Music from his reaction. The screaming, the running into the street away from me, more screaming and tantrum throwing all because I have on a pipe cleaner crown. Have I mentioned he’s just 6 weeks shy of 7? He will not stop this second Emmy award winning display until I take the fucking crown off.
What do I do? I take the fucker off. I bend over and take it in the ass yet again because it’s obvious my child rules the roost. Oh, I could put on my stubborn britches and have a battle of wills with him. I could, in fact, be the catalyst of World War III by showing I’m the one in charge and not take it off. It’s tempting because sometimes, every now and then, I want to feel like I win one.
But I don’t. Again, I bite down and swallow my natural state of silliness because, and feel free to guess at the mysterious reason, it sends my kid over the edge. I take the fucker off.
I get tired of it, this thinking outside of the parenting box. Fuck silver linings.
I admit it. I’m stumbling as the mom who embraces the different, accepts the abnormal as the new normal and snubs her nose at labels. She’s all smoke and mirrors and lots of hot air.
I am tired of the constant challenges he throws at me, the mental masturbation of thinking of a way that will work with him, or get through to him, make some mother fucking impression on him!! And I’ve had it feeling like the world revolves around Payton and his moods and sensitivities. The countless times we’ve had to give up doing something that we want to do because Payton doesn’t want to do it, and if we do it anyway, he does his damnedest to make it hell for everyone.
Today, I just want him to be a typical kid.
And I wanted to wear my fucking crown!
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Damn, Heather. I’m sorry, I really am.
I sure wish I had some magic words or a magic wand. But, I got nothin’. I’m sorry it’s hard.
(((Hugs)))
oh dear… you poor thing…
may i suggest Super Nanny? That lady is a serious miracle worker. i’m not completely convinced she’s not really Jesus
I work with kids who aren’t ‘typical’. I cry and scream with their parents, and I wish I had some brilliant words or tools that would make everything ‘normal,’for them and for you.
Just know that you have a group of people here that you can vent to when you need it.
(((Hugs)))
It’s hard raising a kid like this. I realized that the day I found myself standing in the middle of Disney World and angrily spitting out at my six year old “You are RUINING this vacation for ALL OF US!” and then feeling bad three seconds later and agreeing to take him on the same damned ride we had been on 50 times already because that’s all he wanted to do. Yeah, it’s tough some days.
Jen, I KNOW what you mean. And we were planning to go to Disney world in February. needless to say, we’re changing our plans.
I wish I had some brilliant words of advice, but I’m at a loss. I just wanted to leave a comment so that you know you’re not alone and that you have a friendly cyber ear via your blog!
Hopefully someone reading this will have a pearl of wisdom to share?? I wish that for you – and in the meantime, hugs, hugs, hugs!
Oh Heather, gosh, I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster (an appropriate term today, eh?) you are on.
Onto the teacher thing. I find it completely frustrating that the public education system insists that all kids belong inside a box. So many wonderful history makers became just that because they were ‘unique thinkers’.
I don’t know what to say, so HUGS. Hope it gets better.
It’s hard when you feel like your kid prevents you from being a “normal” family. I’ve come to accept that there are certain (many) things that other families do that we can’t participate in. Disney is at the top of the list. When we go to Dutch Wonderland (an amusement park geared towards younger kids) we have to set a limit on the number of times Sweet Boy can ride his favorite ride, the only one he really wants to ride. 20 times may seem ridiculous but if it were up to him, you can bet he’d ride that stupid train at least 50 times!
I know that when/if we have another, we’ll probably spend a lot of family trips split in two groups, one of us with Sweet Boy and the other doing “typical” stuff with the other child. This is something I’ve thought about A LOT and worried about A LOT.
I feel your pain. I’m already imagining all the meltdowns that may unfold on our trip to a wedding in Toronto next week where Sweet Boy will be surrounded by hordes of relatives he’s never met. Even though there will be a ton of boys within 2-3 years of his age (you’d think this would be a GREAT thing) I can’t help but imagine the worst.
I know what you mean. There are no easy solutions. Part of it is readjusting our expectations. What Sweet Boy considers a fun outing is not usually what other kids would (ie… going on the same ride over and over and only staying an hour instead of going on as many rides as possible and staying all day). I often feel like we don’t get our money’s worth out of trips/excursions. I have to remind myself not to evaulate whether something was a success using “typical” criteria.
Dear Heather
So sorry that you can’t wear your crown when you want to. But I know that you are a true Queen and Princess who dosen’t need to wear her crown to make me laugh and love the life we live.
Lots of hugs and drinks for the land of Oz.
When all else fails lock yourself in your room with wine, vodka, bubbles and your crown, drink, laugh and cry to it all seems ok.
I’m so sorry. I’ve totally been there with my Asperger’s daughter. Almost word for word same scenarios with us. It’s so hard. One thing that has helped us is her wearing earphones (it’s mostly the sounds that overwhelms her) at places like that. Also, we started OT (occupational therapy) and that has REALLY helped her in situations where there is movement (rides). I just have one kid so that helps. But my friends who have one neurotypical kid and one not, often do separate things with separate kids. It doesn’t seem fair in a way I guess but it makes both their children happy to get to do things they love and get one on one time with parents. I know you can’t always do that though. Hugs for the hard day! – Missy
You have my empathy. My 18yo was this nice normal athletic kid who showed signs of being bipolar at 17. Where did my kid go? Cuz BPboy is not fun. Hugs.
Aw Heather, I’m sorry you’re battling with this in your head.
You know I get it. Some days you just don’t want to fight.
(((hugs)))
Hey there – no helpful wave of the wand to make it all better here, sorry – but it sure sounds like you need a hug, darls.
I also have heard that quite often sound can set off such. Maybe earphones might work?
I feel your pain. Literally. I have been in those situations myself with my son. In fact, I am living it daily with homeschooling both of my kids. My daughter makes it all so easy…my son…not so much.
When I get overwhelmed with the why can’t you just be “normal”?!?! I just keep telling myself…”it is what it is” Sounds ridiculous, but it helps….a little. We have also scheduled for my daughter to see the same psychologist (family therapist) my son sees to help her deal with the frustrations and resentment she may feel. It really does affect the whole family, and we want her to have an outlet.
It sucks sometimes. But not always. I’m hoping some non-sucky times come your way soon.
I know exactly how you feel. If we’re not doing what he wants to do, he makes it complete hell for everyone else involved. I’m tired of it too.
Hugs Heather- you deserve to wear a crown every day-
http://www.tigerlillyjewelry.com/ellatiara.html
Get the King to buy you one of these! My friend had one in her wedding and it was gorgeous… I think it’s an everyday accessory for such a great mom.
I can feel your stress. I wish there was something I could say or do that would make it better.
You are an amazing mother, and I am in awe of your abilites.
Can you wear the tiara after he goes to bed?
Duct tape… Not really of course, but it’s all I’ve got. ((HUGS))
That sucks about changing the Disney plans, but at least you ‘know’ now before you dump a fortune into a vacation that nobody gets to enjoy. Wish I had answers for you!
It’s on days like that where you should drink. Heavily.
Really, I can empathize, I know how frustrating that can be.
I know that doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of it but I do feel your pain and think that you are an amazing mom.
So you put that crown on and wear it proudly, mama!
I’m sorry the Queen is having a rough time with one of the princes. I’m sending you virtual hugs.
Hmm if this appears twice, sorry, but it disappeared somehow. I can totally relate. My son is now 12 and he is improving, but I have absolutely been there. Living with his stubborn refusal to try, eat, or do anything new (or anything he didn’t want to try, eat, or do for godonlyknowswhat reason) has been a nightmare at times. Your description of the crown incident reminds me of how my son reacted when I cut my hair. He was 6 at the time and turned into the Incredible Hulk. You have my empathy, but it does get better in time.
I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help. My brother was the odd boy out in our family, always embarrassed by my dad, never wanting to do the same things as the rest of us, freaking out and making our lives miserable if we didn’t comply, and while he is doing quite well now – he loves his job (as a chef) and has a great group of friends – there are parts of him that will just never be in sync with the rest of us. And even though I know my brother and your son are completely different people, I will ask my mother for some advice, the kind only moms of grown children can really give, and let you know if she thinks of anything useful. In the meantime – hugs. Lots of virtual hugs from over here.
((HUGS))
Days like that are not easy. Take care. And have a BIG drink.
Wow, I thought mine was the only one! He is my first child and I always feel like we are such a freaky family when all the other kids want to do something except mine……I feel your pain.
There’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said in the comments above.
I just found your blog not long ago and don’t yet know the whole back story (must read archives!), but my heart breaks reading your post. Hang in there. ~~Hugs~~
I feel your pain… Our moments have moved from the calling all dogs, fire engine screaming melt downs in public( thank GOD!).. to in the house.. DD PLEASE STOP BOUNCING IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!! YOU ARE MAKING MOMMY CRAZY!!!!
I live on the premise that there are people out there dealing with worse. I think about the kids who can’t talk.. and then it makes the fact that DD squishes the fat on my upper arm and calls me “squishy mommy” 1000 times a day a little less annoying.
Just a little… hang in there. It could always be worse.