I’m what you could call a deli meat snob. No, no, no..wait. That sounds all negative. I’m a deli meat authori-tay!

I like expensive deli meat. If it’s over $8.50/lb, chances are I’m going to like it. The high end meats are so meaty with none of the fillers and water that cheaper meats have. I’m particularly fond of the Black Bear deli meat at my local Super Target.

Black Bear buffalo chicken deli meat….Mmmmmm.

Part of being a deli meat authori-tay means procuring the freshest of meat. You do this by asking for the expiration date and if the date is not to your liking, then you exercise your authori-tay by requesting a fresh package to be opened.

I love some fresh meat!

Here I am at Super Target, purchasing my weekly pound of deli meat for the boys’ lunches and, of course, I questioned the date of the meat. Because I’m a fresh meat authori-tay and that’s what we do.

Low and behold, this particular package of meat expired in just two days. That certainly won’t do. It isn’t fresh. The meat has to last the entire week for school and, by god, I want it fresh!

So I did what all fresh meat authorities do and asked for my meat to be sliced out of a new package.

The employee said no.

Excuse me? Does she not see my fresh meat authori-tay badge?

In the past, Target deli workers recognized me as a regular customer and knew my authority ranking. These workers have always opened a new package without question. However, on this day, I was dealing with a new employee.

Well, she’s new and doesn’t know of my authori-tay. I’ll simply explain it to her.

I told her how I would be purchasing a pound of this 8.99/lb meat and it needed to last the entire week. The opened package expired in two days and it isn’t fresh. I kindly asked for fresher meat, please.

The girl refused to open a package of fresh meat, citing they had to use up the open package first. Because they like their customers to contract botulism.

At this point I became confused. It felt like I was in Wal Mart where they don’t care how they treat their customers. I looked around to make sure I was in the right Spot and I spied all of the redness and bullseye signs.

Yes, I was in fact in my Super Target where they always roll out the red carpet and bend over backwards to kiss my royal customer ass. On previous shopping trips I’ve had stockers running to the back in search of my special coffee creamer that wasn’t on the shelf or hunting down margarita bucket mixes for me, then humbly apologize when they can’t find my strawberry margarita mix or sour mix.

They get scared when they can’t find the Queen her liquor mixes.

But this new deli employee was acting very Wal-Martish and refused to open a fresh package of meat, even when I pointed out to her that she was about to lose a sale over meat that expired in two days. She wouldn’t budge. She was going to use up that old meat.

I started getting angry. I want my fresh meat! My eyes narrowed and the horns began to grow. I told her the other employees always gave me the meat that I want.

Respect my fresh meat authori-tay!

She still said no.

Oh Lucifer’s balls! She’s gonna stand between me and my fresh mait! I want my fresh mait! Aggghhhh! Give me my fresh mait!!

My narrowed eyes began to roll into the back of my head and my lip sneered because she is standing in the way of my fresh mait! I stormed off, intending to leave the store in a huff when I had a better idea. I swallowed down the spittle building up in my mouth, fought down the urge to grab my boob and yell, “Give me some fresh mait!”

I walked over to the bakery instead and ask the bakery gals to call the manager. Their eyes got as round as saucers and they asked if everything is ok.

Duh. I’m calling the manager because I desire to have an extra-marital affair right here on this cake decorating table.

I loudly said, “No! Everything is not ok. That woman (pointing across the produce dept) is standing between me and my fresh mait! Agggghhh!” as I drooled, rollleded my eyes, sneer and restrained my hand from grabbing my own boob.

I wiped the spittle from my face as the manager came down. I calmly explained to him the situation: “She’s standing between me and fresh mait! That’s 9.00/lb mait and she’s trying to pawn off old mait. I want my fresh mait! Aggghhhh! ”

“Oh yes, Your Highness. You can certainly have your fresh meat. Wait just one moment.”

The manager walked behind the deli counter and told the new employee to open a fresh package of deli meat and slice whatever I want.

And I tuck my boob back into my bra.

Don’t try to come between me and my fresh mait.

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 25th, 2007 at 1:43 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.