A Special Pumpkin Patch Story for All the Lil’ Chil’renz
Posted by Heather in I Couldn't Make This Shit Up, School is for dummiesDear lil’ chil’renz, I try not to give you more than one read a day. But this really, really, really won’t wait. We have a special guest today who wants to share something with you. The crazy lady from the pumpkin patch has a special Pumpkin Story for just you. Please sit back and do not listen to the crazy lunatic pumpkin lady.
Hello all of you little three and four year old children on a preschool field trip. Welcome to this large methodist church pumpkin patch, which is a money-making endeavor that we have open to the public. We accept the money you paid for this field trip and fully know you come from another church preschool of a different denomination. My name is Lunatic-Pumpkin-Lady and I’m going to be talking to you about gourds, Indian corn and pumpkins.
See this gourd. It’s a gourd.
See this corn. It’s Indian corn and you don’t really eat it. It’s for decoration.
See this pumpkin. See the inside of the pumpkin.
(walks around the entire lot of lil chil’renz to make sure they see the the inside of a pumpkin)
It looks yucky doesn’t it, boys and girls?
“Yes,” answer all of the little three and four year old boys and girls.
Well boys and girls, you are yucky on the inside too. You are yucky on the inside just like this pumpkin because of sin. When you do bad things, that’s sin. Now, who here has been mean to your brother or sister?
(all the lil’ chil’renz raise their hands because, hey, it’s what siblings do to each other. )
When you are mean to your brother or sister, that’s sin. When you are mean to your mom and dad, that’s sin too. So you are all yucky on the inside just like this pumpkin. You must come to Jesus and he’ll get rid of the yucky that’s in you.
Remember all you three and four year old children, you are yucky on the inside because of sin.
The End.
Oh, my sweet lil’ chil’renz. I don’t know what to say I’m so shocked. Except that you are whole and perfect and absolutely beautiful on the inside. You are still so tiny and know so little of ugliness. Please lil’ chil’renz, this lady is a lunatic and does not know what she is saying. Do not listen to her. Remember lil’ chil’renz….you are absolutely beautiful on the inside.
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I shit you not, that actually happened today on Parker’s field trip. Having made this particular field trip trek before, I was in shock. Utter shock. I thought we went to the wrong church and ended up at a Southern Baptist tent revival concealed as a pumpkin patch.
Once the shock went away, in about 15.7 seconds, I felt the urge to make a scene. It took all I had not to pull my lil’ chilz up from that group during her lunatic ravings and march off.
It went against every grain of mother love I have to stand there while someone told my beautiful child that he was yucky on the inside. Because he fights with his brother like every other sibling in the world.
If I’m being all honest, I wanted to tell the Lunatic Pumpkin Lady where she could stick her story and it ain’t somewhere the sun shines.
But I didn’t do it. I didn’t make the scene.
Now I wish I had.
I wish I had made that public stand and said, without words, that I choose to believe my child is beautiful on the inside and I will not listen otherwise.
I didn’t do it. I caved to the arbitrary rules of polite behavior. And let my son sit there and listen to this crap.
I hang my head down in shame to call myself the Queen of Shake-Shake.
Instead, once she was finished with her lunatic talk, I pulled my sweet, beautiful Parker to the side and told him that he was NOT yucky on the inside, there was no such thing as sin and that woman was talking crazy talk that isn’t true.
“Do you understand mommy?”
Yes, mommy. That lady was just teasing,” he answered.
“You are beautiful, inside and out Parker!” I told him passionately.
“I know,” he answered.
P.S. I did call the church office and lodge a complaint. Who knows what good it did, but I had to let someone know my feelings on such an inappropriate story to little three and four year old children.
P.P.S. I realize religion can be a touchy, sometimes controversial subject. And I have just poo poo’d on sin. Please be sure to note my comment clarification post immediately below this one.
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I am just dumbfounded, because we participate in a lot of events at this church, and that has never been the way they have taught things previously. I emailed them and let them know how upset I am.
See, here’s the problem… And this is why I should not be let out…
I would have just started yelling “What the [bleep] is wrong with you lady? These are preschoolers and you are out of your mind!”
And then I would have led the preshus childrens on a pumpkin smashing rampage.
See why I don’t chaperone on field trips? It is just better all around that way.
What the….?!? Crazy-ass pumpkin lady! Yowzers!
The important thing is that you pulled him aside and let him know that he’s beautiful inside and at this point mommy is still “all knowing.” Good for you for lodging complaint!
My kids went to Christian preschools and I never heard anything like what you heard on that field trip. I also taught Vacation Bible school for 5 years and we never presented information in this way, NEVER!
That there’s a good excuse to bash a pumpkin over the miserable woman’s head, in my book!
S’like Children of the Corn…did she by any chance, refer to any of the chilinz as Malachai?
I’d be running. Far far away.
Then, maybe I’ll go sin.
Erika….smashing pumpkin rampage sounds awesome.
Most people will say I’m pretty ballsy.
But being the lone person to take a stand in a large group of people….much harder to do in real life.
I realized today I have a self-inflated view of myself.
I shall turn to licker for comfort.
Man, I wanna punch her square in the face. Sheesh! They’re just widdle biddles, for cryin’ out loud!
Um, can I come over for the licker? I need to be comforted after reading about this crazy pumpkin “patch.”
OMG that is insanity. The whole concept of that just rubs me the wrong way!!!
I’m in awe of the audacity of this judgemental woman. Yucky inside? I get what she meant but boy was it so sorely misguided and poorly stated.
Ah Dear Queen,
Again we are on the same page. We have a monstrously large Methodist church in our modest little town, that obliterates the evening sky with their light pollution (presumably so sinners can find the way), and every year they sell overpriced pumpkins to the unsuspecting (and maybe even give heinous tours like what you described). I am a bad person – i have taught my children to shout out of the window as we drive by, “Pumpkins For Jesus!” Perhaps some might find this offensive, but the selling of a pagan symbol by an ostentatious institution of the “other side” I find equally repulsive. these are the same places that encourage their flock to shun the neighborhood streets on Halloween, in favor of some sad parking lot “Truck or Treat”, where no one is allowed to dress as anything that might be construed as demonic,and any possible fraternization with your neighbors is frowned upon, unless they go to the same church as you. What would Jesus say? Seeing as how he was a hippie outcast, and was all about love and tolerance, I’m thinking he would be right there in the car with us, yelling “Pumpkins for JeeeZus”.
Good article – thank you for going there!
Oh… my… gosh. I am ashamed for that lady. NOT the way we want to teach our lil chilrenz about Jesus.
I admire you for touching this topic carefully.
I’m glad you didn’t tell her off. She wouldn’t have gotten it anyway.
And who the hell told her it was her job edjumacate small kids on a field trip about sin?
I’m trying to think of something to say that’s not blasphemous, but I can’t. Also I’m picturing the events as part of a noir horror film, with Bela Lugosi in drag…
For real though, that woman is freaking nuts! How dare she do that to a group of young children? And while I’d like to say I would have made a scene, it’s just as likely that I would have done exactly what you did. You never know how you’ll react in a situation like that – especially when it’s that utterly shocking.
RIGHT THERE is precisly why I will ALWAYS have to attend field trips. As a mother I would have done the same as you…if you had not been there to do damage control….oh dear…I would be so sad to know my child heard that…and no one was there to straighten it out.
man….I have way too many field trips in my future plans. ugh.
That is just so wrong. I’m glad P has good perspective, though.
You should definitely let the pastor know about this.
Oh. No. She. Dint.
Dag.
She has not been well laid in her LIFE.
I shit you not I almost fell off my chair.
That’s all I have to say…everybody else already said it.
Oh. my. gosh. I would have been pissed beyond belief. How DARE she say things like that to little kids. Do you think that maybe she drove to the wrong church that day?
Wow… I do hope that place NEVER hosts children’s field trips ever again…. I feel bad for the other kids whose parents weren’t there to see what happened then do their own damage control. This is SO wrong.
Maybe the church lady was sent by God for your entertainment. Seriously, I would have laughed when she said that and stopped her dead in her tracks as I took over the conversation. Of course, I would have laid awake at nights unable to sleep as I beat myself up for taking on a old woman…of course, she deserved it.
The revered pediatric dentist in town made my 3-4 year old feel like she was breaking the law and going to hell for sucking her thumb. It took forever for me to undo the harm.
Somehow you fell out of my world, but I’m putting you on my feed right this minute. Pathetically I just learned to read via feeds.
I was just reading your blog and came across this story. I would have to say I would have said something to her. I have a little bit of a speak my mind attitude,so yeah it can get me in trouble sometimes but hey atleast they know how I feel.
Amen, sister shake shake…
I am so glad she was only doing pumpkins.
Imagine if she got the fireworks field trip – this is what the world is going to look like on on Gawds Independence Day!
If she’s so tight with God, why is she celebrating a Pagan holiday? I’m just sayin’…
Hey, I’m tight with Him, and I celebrate it, but I don’t tell children they’re yucky inside. Slimy, yes. Because, let’s face it, we’re all slimy inside. But yucky? Heck no!
I would have opened a can of religious-education on her ass. I went to a church for a friend’s baby dedication, and the pastor had the audacity to say that babies are capable of sin! And then found some bizarre way of referencing it to the book of Dalmatians or something. It was all I could do to not storm out.
Ooooh that makes me mad!!! Children are so impressionabe, they just soak stuff up and I can’t imagine the long-term consequences of what’s being taught to my own when I’m not around to straighten things out. I’ve already dealt with a few of those times…not good!
We are each entitled to our individual beliefs and ways of life but, how dare anyone push their belief on those too young to fully understand and make sense of what they’re hearing?
I think I would have reacted like you, shocked into silence and not inclined to make a public scene but, in my head there would indeed have been some pumpkin smashing! ~v
(I’ve been lurking a bit – first post!)
Imagine what Crazy Pupkin lady’s insides look like. Yuck.
I really hate ignorant people. i can’t help it.
Wow … all I can say is wow. Good thing this redhead wasn’t standing there…
Catherine, the redhead
Like, Nell, I will quell the urge to be ridiculously blasphemous.
Anyway, I’ve never understood the whole “fire and brimstone” scary religious stuff. Why would God create yucky, horrible people? That just makes no sense to me. I sort of get the whole love and kindness version of religion (although I’m not religious myself). I’m so glad you cleared everything up with Parker. I loved this post!
Isn’t Halloween all about sin and other pagan fun? I mean, all the Jesus freaks I’ve ever known (yeah, I said Jesus freak – that’s better than Jesus bitch, right?) have been anti-Halloween.
I wonder what kind of sin it is to get off on saying horrible things to small children?
I thought that beyotch was off her rocker too!!! Luckly Ryan was ingoring her while me and the other moms I was standing by was talking shit about her. You werent the only one who thought that was a bit much for their age.
That is strange. Down here the churches don’t care if you are full of sin or not as long as your money is green.