Strange things have been happening around here lately, strange things indeed.
It started with Jennifer moving away.
Which some have attributed to me losing my funny. Um, ouch.
Then I went on the week-long blog vacation.
And the blog voices in my head became quiet.
Sweet serenity!
So I’ve found myself, for the first time in a year, without Jennifer to do idiotic things with and a cessation of the blog voices in my head.
Whatever can I do with myself? What do I do with this silence?
People, the only alternative I’ve had is to….*gasp*…..talk to my husband at night.
After 11.5 years of marriage, do you know how little there is to talk about? Let me show you how little!
Here’s a sample of one of our great conversations:
“blah blah work blah blah work blah,” said Wally.
“blather blather cooking blather wipe kids butt blather,” I said. “Sigh your work story yawn.”
“blah blah snippy blah,” he replied.
“blather sassy blather,” I snipped.
“Well, snarkety snark snark!” snarked Wally.
Oh shit, he did not just say that.* It’s time I speak man language.
“Alright now, watch it! I might have to cut It off.”
Wally looked at me with the evil eye and said, “Y’all learn that shit in junior high, I swear!”
“What are you talking about?” I inquire.
“In 9th grade health class, when they separate the boys and girls to go watch The Film, and we’re told not to tell the other what we watched? The girls aren’t watching a film on periods!”
“Say huh?”
Wally continues, “Oh no! That’s when the teacher tells you girls…
You want to go shopping? Cut it off.
Think you need a new car? Cut it off.
You want diamonds? Cut. It. Off.
So whenever things aren’t going your way, you girls know to cut off sex! Then you’ll have us right where you want us….by the balls!”
“Oh no, honey,” I corrected. “I didn’t learn that in junior high. I was born with that knowledge.”
I’m curious how many other women out there utilize the same knowledge??
Or maybe I’m just a shallow, manipulative bitch?
Pussy Power vs. Manipulative Bitch. Hmmmm? Sometimes I’m not sure.
Which do you think?
*I don’t remember his exact snarky comment, but it’s not the point of the story so I don’t have to remember.
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I don’t employ that tactic because then I’m not getting any either…I like to find new and unusual ways to torture them.
It’s a part of my DNA. But here’s the hitch- marry someone a few (haha, few) years your senior and THEY WONT CARE about getting the ‘tang. Not more than once a month at least.
And he wonders why the water bill is so hellacious
ha ha – see, I have just come from a blog where there was a shoe thing going on, and I just don’t understand the shoe thing.
And now I visit you and you have the withhold thing – and its another one I haven’t tangled with.
Had it happen TO me, though. Long, long time ago. Then I was single. For 6 years.
Ach, there are better things to cripple them with.
But whatever works, hey hon!
Six years? Ack! That’s not manipulation, that’s insanity!
lol No Heather (note to self. learn to use punctuation).
Long long time ago – man withheld.
Man died. (not due to withholding)
Whole of mankind withhold for 6 years.
Then I got me anothery – and he and I have a deal – n’withhold pas.
I didn’t learn it in junior high either. Maybe we should have – would have been more useful than some of the things we did learn.
Ummm , I thought you were really going to cut it off. That’s what you meant, isn’t it?
No Joe. I mean cut it off as in not put out. “It” being poontang. Make sense now?
Feel the power!!!!!!!
Round these parts thats the only way to get things done!
If I didn’t withhold the golden ticket nothing would ever get accomplished here. Is it manipulation? No! Its common sense
pussy…. POWER!!!
I hated scrappy-doo but that what I heard in my head when I read that.
Like the Milk Maid, it’s in my DNA!
*gigglesnort*
pussy power. that made me giggle, hooray for adolescent humor! do we get fart jokes next?
(ps. found you on Andi’s blog)
-Jill
uh yeah… that knowledge is part of our ovaries.. it’s simple biology.
uh yeah… that knowledge is part of our ovaries.. it’s simple biology.
God, my conversations with my husband sound Just. Like. That.
monkeybutter: Hang around. I usually can’t go more than a week or two without talking of farts. It’s a compulsion really.
Yay for that DNA. We should have a Pussy Power button or something.
i see you’ve been practicing your imitation of me again. but try to be more whiny when you “blah blah” about work.
I love the ‘cut it off’ technique. I’m pretty sure it was a subliminal message flashing throughout the whole period movie behind all of the shots about wearing maxi pads in bold letters. “CUT IT OFF…CUT IT OFF..”
All women are born with the knowledge of how to control a man. My husband has a new saying…. I can’t cut him off if I don’t know where he is getting it. Of course I know where he’s not getting it if he keeps up that tone.