Aunt Flo, I really do not understand why you are such a hateful person.
What have I ever done to you?
From the age of 11, I’ve not only accepted your visits, but taken care of all of your needs too. I’ve supplied you with pads, tampons, and Diva cups. Heating pads, Pamprin, Advil, and even a glass of wine to make the crampiness of your visit better. I’ve taken sick days for you and tolerated pain so bad that it made me nauseated…all for you.
And now that we’ve been around each other for 23 years, I would think we would settle into a routine, be comfortable with each other.
But no, my dear Aunt Flo, you apparently have issues. You have deep issues with women over 30, don’t you?
When you started showing up earlier and earlier every month so that I end up having 13 visits from you a year, well, I accepted it and moved on. When your visits are only 3 days long, it wasn’t that big of a deal.
But then you had the bring back the cramps from my teenage years that leave me writhing in pain if I don’t time the Advil and heating pad just right.
And you don’t stop there.
You decide to change things up a bit, don’t you? Instead of bloating me up with the water retention of my twenties, you now decide I should be bloated with gas so bad that it hurts to sit, walk, lay down, cough, move or do anything at all.
Lovely.
But I’m not stupid! I discovered the new Pamprim for thirtysomething women. A combo shot of chocolate Ex-Lax (because what PMS’ing woman doesn’t want chocolate?) and Gas-X. I know your exact moment of weakness is six hours from the moment of arrival and that’s when I deliver the ol’ one-two. Not a moment before or after! And the five-month pregnant looking belly of gas is avoided.
I thought I had won.
Until you started arriving in the middle of the night with your own little one-two punch. Not only does your arrival rob me of sleep because of the cramps, but I also miss that magic six hour window when you are your weakest.
And so I spend three days bloated and praying to all the Gods to let me fart….please!!
Finally you let the Gods hear my plea.
Right when I’m at work in an office where two other people hear Every! Single! Noise! in the bathroom.
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personally I never thought I would look forward to menopause…
heh, I lol’d
That is hilarious!!!
Oh, so she does these things to you too? Damn her, we hate her! Oh, and I have personally introduced the Diva to Knoxville… my very first Hoohaa post! I know, you’re so proud, aren’t you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
aunt flo is such a bitch…
and the gas…OH the gas! who would have ever thought gas could make it so damn painful to sit down?! it’s by far worse than when i broke my tailbone…
oh, and totally random question: does your refrigerator have a drawer marked “fresh meat”? mine does and i think of you everytime i open the door
Now you know why I am perpetually pregnant.
You need to do the loud cough/toilet flush combo.
Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.
lol. No one else could make Auntie Flo so funny. I look forward to menopause so much once or twice a month. Thanks for making me laugh about it. It makes it so much better to know I am not alone.
i’ve prayed not to fart…i can’t say i’ve every prayed TO fart!
Can you create some sort of diversion for the eavesdroppers before going in? You know, like starting a fire outside or telling them to go look at the naked man running down the road or tell them their boss told them to leave early.
Sheesh!
Doesn’t Aunt Flo have some nieces and nephews to go spoil or something? Why must she take her bored bitchiness out on us?
WHY, I ask?!?
Aunt Flo is a horrid b*tch. I want to know just what someone did to her to make her so evil. I would even apologize FOR whoever did it to her just to make her happy again!
I personally like when she takes to arriving super late (What’s 50 days between family members?)…
Why can’t she be considerate? Maybe a call to say everything’s fine and shes just running late?
Damn hussy!
Re the farts. One word: Yoga.
I love, love , love that someone else writes hate laters to that evil whore Aunt Flo.
She and I have had it out many a time.
oops I meant “letters”
Aunt Flo has been kicking my a$$ lately, too. She’s a b1tch.
I spend a lot of my day praying to fart. Oh wait. NOT to fart. Damn pregnancy gas that will not be contained.
…and Aunt Flo sings,
“TOOT TOOT, HEEEEEEY, BEEP BEEP!”
While I wouldn’t wish a total hysterectomy on anyone aged 39-years-old, that’s when my Aunt Flo left me and let me tell you her replacement , Sister HotFlash moved in along with heart palpitations, saggy skin, and dry crotch.
While Auntie Flo MAY indeed be a bitch, her cousins are horrid, too.
hilarious.
i’m so sorry.
but that’s hilarious
Sorry for your pain but that is one funny post!
If you find a way to beat the bitch down, let me know.
Normally I would breeze in, make a smart arsed comment and then leave. Quickly.
But I had these symptoms. Got so bad that my doc thought I had ovarian cancer. Turned out it was PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) all of the symptoms are the same as you are describing!
Go get checked for PCOS not life threatening or anything just mucho pain in the arse.
Or try gluten free. That helps too.
And I will leave you with a question that someone asked me today, before I scurry back into the internet darkness…
Do you roll to the left or right when you fart sitting down?
TOO funny! lol
BTW? Tag your it!
I’m tagging you for a Meme
(7 random things sbout me)
no rules! lol
Wow. Your Auntie Flo is just as pissy as mine. Evil bitches.
So with ya there. Oh, totally bought a DivaCup based on your review…not sure yet, but I’m thinking its a good thing.
Jill
OMG! I was just talking about this last night. I too have been dealing with Aunt Flo for 23 freakin’ years and I too am sick of her.
For the last two months her visits have lasted ten (count ‘em TEN!) days. Twice the normal length. After 23 years, she’s changing it up? WTF?!
I hate Aunt Flo.
OH. MY. GOD.
You are hiding in the corner, aren’t you?
I had ‘female part problems’ originally thought to be caused by a shot of DepoProvera that turned out to be a recently discovered pituitary adenoma. At any rate, it resulted in NO AUNT FLO for 7 years.
My ‘new years resolution’ was to fix the female problem. I went to the gyne doc, got diagnosed with the adenoma, took part of the 3 weeks of Bromocriptine he prescribed for me, and two days ago was blessed with a family visit.
I’m DYING. Cramps, gas… OMG I look like I’m 8 months pregnant. Constipated as all hell… *cringes*
I almost want my female part problems back… I didn’t miss this.
OMG, I am so glad I stumbled upon this one ’cause you are singing my song. Aunt Flo makes a pre-visit to my body 7 -10 days before her official visit. This pre-visit, if you will, consists of flu-like symptoms (sore, throat, chills, aches, headaches, coughing) and then goes away. When she arrives with a vengeance, she brings (sorry if its TMI for a first comment) diarrhea, gas, heating pad aches, Pamprin and Advil cramps and migraines.
I HATE this time of the month. *Sigh*
I feel for ya, sister. But have to agree w/trulytrish up there…had a hyste-wreck-to-me (not laughing)..well, okay, lol,
at 26 after my 2nd daughter. Had cancer and after every flesh burning procedure, cone, biopsy, etc., dr. deemed that was the best solution, (ya think?) and oh, lets do it the week before Christmas. (oh goodie). It had only been 3 months since you found the big C. what a Christmas present!!
That was 11 years ago. My first daughter (13) is now experiencing the lovely visits from Aunt Flo, poor thing. I would ALMOST take her visits for her, ummmm but outta room at the inn…. LOL
Can’t wait until 2nd daughter gets her’s. Won’t life be wonderful with 2 teenage daughters on Auntie Flo, bitching even MORE than now and Mom flashin’, moanin’ and bitchin’ louder. And hey, did I mention, the Big C decided to return…….. Loved your description, needed that laugh!!
Sorry, meant “trishatruly”. Brain cells tend to go as well..LOL
Wow, I can’t believe you can so precisely describe down to the last detail the exact same feelings I have every month! I don’t want to say, yay, it’s not just me, because that would be mean, really. Nobody should have to suffer this!
Last time, my cramps were so stabbing that I thought it was appendicitis! How and why could a stupid menstrual cramp turn into something so vicious over the years?