The Laundry Rules for Those Lacking Two X Chromosomes
Posted by Heather in Marital Bon MotMy philosophy in life is the less rules the better, that way the rules that are in place are really important and easier to follow. I’ve tried to implement the attitude as much as possible in my parenting, but I especially want that philosophy in my marriage.
My marriage has basic rules like we don’t screw around on each other, don’t beat the crap out of each other, or trash talk one another and that’s about it. So far I think this has worked to our advantage. We certainly play less of the insane marriage games I’ve witnessed other couples play with one another.
However, after this past weekend’s laundry and the ensuing arguments over the laundry, I fear I must make laundry rules to keep the peace. Otherwise we will continue to violate the basic rule of No Trash Talking One Another.
So here they are.
I have certain clothes I want washed on gentle cycle and, even after 11 years of marriage, you have not learned the knack of figuring out what qualifies as a gentle cycle piece and what does not. So, please, only pick up your dirty underwear and socks, and leave mine the hell alone. I will pick mine up, thank you very much.
Rule #2 Check for stains on the boys’ clothes.
If stains don’t come out in the wash, but are stilled tossed into the dryer, they become permanently set in and this forces me to buy new clothes.
Rules #3 Do NOT cram the goddamn towels into the washer.
Just because you can shove 4 more supersize towels in there doesn’t mean you should. Overloading will tear up the washer and force me to buy one of those $1200 front loaders.
Rule #4 Do NOT set the fluff cycle for 20 fucking minutes
This over-dries the clothes, causing the color to fade and forces me to buy new clothes that look decent. And did I mention the electricity costs of this excessive drying? 10 minutes is more than ample fluff time.
Rules #5 Do NOT fluff for 20 goddamn minutes and then leave the clothes in the dryer again.
Don’t fluff to fold until you are ready to fold. Duh. For further explanation, see rule #4.
Rule #6 In fact, don’t dry the clothes at all.
I have favorite 100% cotton shirts I do not want dried. (see rule #1) These favorite shirts will shrink too short for my tall frame and will then expose my muffin top in these mid-rise style jeans I must wear to avoid the dreaded mom jeans. Or do you prefer my ass to be 2.5 feet long in high-waisted jeans? My favorite shirts get dried, my favorite shirts shrink, I’m forced to go buy new favorite shirts.
Rule #7 Stay away from the washer and dryer all together.
With the overloading, over-drying and over-shrinking, your touching the washer and dryer is costing us hundreds of dollars a year.
Rule #8 You can “help” with laundry by folding and putting away.
That is a perfect 50/50 split every modern marriage wants. I wash and dry, you fold and put away. And we can go back to being a happy couple again. Except for my clothes. Don’t hang my clothes up. You can’t figure out which shirts fold, which shirts hang. How it is I know which of your shirts hang and fold must be some genetic code on that second X chromosome.
Disclaimer: Violation of these rules will cause me to install in the laundry room one of those fenceless boundary thingies they make for dogs. Should you come within three feet of the laundry room, I will shock your fucking ass.
Once the kids are grown and out of the house in 13 years, and assuming we have not divorced over repeated violations of The Laundry Rules, we’ll toss these rules out the window. Then we’ll simplify the rules to this...
Rule #2 Stay the hell away from my wardrobe.
These rules are brought to you by the Queen of Shake Shake, who has yet another reason to be happy Swearyn Shakeabitch is no more.
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You sound like my husband…I always fuck up his clothes…You’d hate living with me.
This list should be printed on all marriage licenses and initialed by both parties!!!
*snort* my husband does the laundry better than i do.
Hmm, Jason actually does do the laundry better than me. On the other hand, he does have an annoying habit of using the dryer as an iron. Like, every day he has to put his clothes in the dryer for 20 minutes before work. It drives me crazy!
Oh, I think I actually chortled! That was funny funny funny!
Why is it that they can take a towel out of the linen closet for 8 years and unfold it to use it…but they don’t know how to re-fold them so they will fit!!??
(I may have snorted, too…)
Oh goodness!
No kidding!!!
I guess my husband doesn’t even ATTEMP to help, so though that in itself annoys me, I should be glad that he doesn’t. The times he HAS tried to help, I’ve made it clear (with some eerily similar rules) that he shouldn’t help. I think I scared him off.
I have to show my husband your rules. He will love it, he thinks I’m obsessive about the laundry.
We have made progress in our laundry dealings. I wash, dry, fold and he puts his clothes away. I get to put mine and the kids away.
He did dare speak to me about some foul technique called ironing. After I stunned him with a taser gun, I told him never to speak such words again to me. Thus the dry cleaning pile was born.
Other husbands actually pick up laundry? Well I’ll be darned! Although the boys (teenagers) do all of their own laundry. Usually with a bit of prompting from me (“Hey, that shirt you’re wearing kind of smells. Maybe you should wash it — and the rest of your clothes, too.”)
Um, I think those rules were written for me. My hubby does all the laundry bc I don’t do it “right”. He also folds and puts it all away (except my clothes, I do do something.)
If only that were the problem in my house. I can hardly get my husband to touch the laundry, or anything else around here.
Just to balance the scales (a little.. .not a lot I will admit)
Jeans, Towels and some other heavier items take longer to dry than your gentle item dainties… you can’t set the dryer for the same amount of time and expect them to actually be dry.
OK, husbands can do laundry when their wife is NOT injured? And teenagers wash THEIR OWN clothes? Did I miss a memo?
My husband has been washing a little lately, I won’t allow him to fold clothes. If they are not wrinkled from overloading the washer and dryer, then they will be after he wads them up.
And my 18 yo would wear his clothes until they stood in the corner by themselves and perhaps longer!
You would hate me. I do not sort, I dry the shit out of everything, I toss it all in to a laundry basket for later (read: never) and I LIKE buying the kids new clothes so stain treating? Pshaw.
This is HIGH-larious! And true. Must copy this and paste it to my husband’s skull!
I just tramped up the basement stairs in a huff after finding crumpled laundry in the dryer. This made my day.
Haha. Love it! Mom has similar rules for her house if I bring it home. Mostly “Put it in the basement, I’ll wash it, you mess it up.”
Great job.
Um, yeah we’re already following the Old Fart rules in our house.
I would NEVER suggest my husband fold. He can fold in more wrinkles than I could if I were trying to.
I love your laundry rules! I may have to print these IN LARGE PRINT and put them on the door to our laundry room.
I love your blog!!!
It is no surpise that the first blogs on my bloglines I read are yours and playgroups are no place for children! You are so hilarious and completely right..WTF?
Yeah – why do men even bother helping? Seriously. They just mess it all up. And then we have to fix it.
You got it exactly right! I can’t wait until my hubby gets home so I can let him read this post.
I actually have one of the front loaders and I don’t think anyone should ever have to do laundry without one, ever again. As far as husbands and laundry, I repeatedly have to reintroduce the concept of the hamper, every DAY.
LOL! Oh my god – these are rules right out of MY laundry rule book – right down to the GDs and MFs!
I love you girl!
LMAO!
Oh, yes. We get into a good fight at least once a month about laundry…I love the 50/50 split idea with him folding and putting away. SO hate that part.
I’ve gone on laundry boycotts before…I’ll wash mine and the kids and he is on his own.
My husband wants to dry everything. He says “I don’t get it , why do you buy it if you can’t put it in the dryer”.
Which makes me want to go all psychotic bitch on him…but usually I refrain.
Heh – woman – I am posting this on the laundry room door.
What’s a fluff cycle?
OMG, I can hardly type I’m laughing so hard.
and, I have front-loaders too – if you get’em just ban the man from the room all-together!!!
HA!
I just read portions of this aloud to my spouse, who shrunk two of my new shirts during my second postpartum period.
I threw a box of eggs across the yard.
He’s still fearful.
I will be framing this in my laundry room!
oh man- I was told that it irritates(said in whiny annoying voice) him that I stop at putting his clothes away in drawers and that he understands why I don’t do it but it is the principle of it. After folding clothes and linens for the 6 people in our family and putting it away for 5 of them, it’s just one more thing that should NOT be a big deal. It is folded and separated into underwear, socks, shirts, pants, etc… HOW HARD CAN IT BE??? Fuck the fucking principle!
My husband doesn’t even know where the laundry room is are you kidding? I’m just lucky to get him to put away his own clothes.
My husband doesn’t even know where the laundry room is are you kidding? I’m just lucky to get him to put away his own clothes.
I avoid all these problems..I just tell them ..if your clothes make it into the hamper I will take care of them..it’s that simple! lol
No fuss no muss I get to do all the work! lol
Oh well, such is life..and my clothes get to live another day!
darling, you are missing a bet, instigate old married fart laundry rules NOW. He’ll either go around looking like a slob in overwashed, overdried clothes he can’t be arsed to replace, or he’ll learn to do it right. I’ve adjusted to my husband’s clothes being wrinkled, faded and a bit shrunken. You can too.
And by middle school, the boys can be doing their own laundary as well.
You can sit back and laugh at them all negotiating on Sunday evenings when none of them have clothes for Monday. (at least, that’s what I did.)
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