I threw out two perfectly good slices of leftover pizza from Picklefish.
I. Threw. Away. Pizza.
That is so un-American that I don’t know if I can call myself an American any longer. And the Italians would pretend I don’t exist too.
Not only did I throw it away, but I took it out of the ziploc bag and mushed it really good into the trash can so I wouldn’t be tempted to take it back out. Because if it’s in a ziploc bag then it isn’t really touching the kitchen trash, which makes it is possible to quickly yank it back out and eat it anyway during an insane (and I do mean insane) carboholic moment of weakness.
(Not that I would ever do that, but I can imagine it and whatever I imagine is possible. And for odd infantile reasons, it felt really good to mush some food. Like I was making a statement or something. This may explain the spaghetti o’s in my sons’ hair during those toddler years.)
On top of the unpatriotic act of throwing away good pizza, the slices were from a spinach alfredo pizza, NOT just a plain pepperoni pizza. What exactly does that mean, you may ask? Spinach alfredo pizza over pepperoni?
It means not only does the whole tossing of perfectly edible pizza into the trash negate my American-ness AND make me public enemy #1 in Africa, but this act also strikes me from The Great Big Book of Yuppie.
I am a lost soul.
Wherever will I go?
I dunno, people, I’m thinking of going French again.
See, many, many moons ago I got all into French Women Don’t Get Fat. I fell in love with Mireille Guiliano. I wanted to be Mireille Guiliano, even if I can’t pronounce her name. In my Southern French dialect, it must sound like a double first name. Mary Ella, maybe?
According to Mary Ella, food is something close to what I interpret a spiritual experience and, by god, I wanted to find me some spiritualness in good wine and expensive cheese.
God is in the gouda. God is in the New York champagne white cheddar. God is in Red Truck wine. Which if that is the case, I’m gettin’ busy with God as I type.
I became entranced by Mireille’s magical leek soup trick. Why, you eat leek soup over the course of a weekend and, whala! (which is Southern French for voilà), lose five pounds.
Considering I only need to lose 10 pounds, that would put me half way there.
So I made the soup.
Do you know why French women don’t get fat? Because they take dirty dishwater, put it in a bowl and call it Magical Leek Soup, that’s why. They don’t get fat because who the hell wants to gorge on dirty dishwater?
Though disappointed and disillusioned with French cooking after my one and only try, I couldn’t let Mireille’s philosophy go entirely. It has worked for an entire country of women…there must be some wisdom in it! I decided I would embrace the French mentality of not eating bad food. If I’m gonna eat it, it better taste good.
I’ve followed the philosophy this year so far and have watched my muffin top grow and grow until I really should be honest with myself and go buy a damn size 10 pair of jeans.
I won’t! I won’t! I won’t! This muffin top will go away, damn it.
To complicate matters, I also discovered this year I am THE best baker of cakes, cookies and brownies within a 100 mile radius. Ok, maybe 50 miles radius. Alright, alright, a 10 miles radius, but still. I’m good.
Obviously my plan to eat only good food is flawed. Somehow, someway, my American-ness is getting in the way. And by American-ness, I mean eating like a fucking asshole. Because that’s what we do; Americans eat like fucking assholes all the time.
This past Saturday, I got out of the house and had a wild time at (are you ready for this?) the library. Is it sad that the regular spout of weekend fun around these parts is going to the library without yelling at kids in hushed tones? To be able to peruse sections outside of the kids library at my leisure sends tingles down my spine. This is what motherhood has done to me. But I digress.
While on my way to check out, my eyes were caught by the spine of a book as I passed row after row of library books. I was a nanosecond away from heading on down to the checkout counter when I decided, what the hell, I’ll go look at that book.
Right beside that book was Mireille Guiliano’s latest book. I didn’t even know she’d written a new book. I grabbed her book and added it to my stack.
Le sigh!
I want to be Mireille again.
I have food on the brain, people. Prepare to be inundated with my deep as a marshmallow insights on food, muffin tops and dishwater soup.
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Israelis don’t get fat either. they just don’t eat much, smoke like chimneys and drink diet coke and coffee all the time. Who wants to live like that? Pass the Borekas, please! (yummy, cheesy pastries you can get straight from the oven EVERY DAY on the cheap. sigh.)
Israelis don’t get fat either. they just don’t eat much, smoke like chimneys and drink diet coke and coffee all the time. Who wants to live like that? Pass the Borekas, please! (yummy, cheesy pastries you can get straight from the oven EVERY DAY on the cheap. sigh.)
damn, i would have eaten the pizza if i knew you were going to throw it away.
Here’s my problem:
I have gestational diabetes, so I can’t eat like a fucking asshole.
And I know once that placenta comes out? I will be eating like a fucking asshole to make up for my deprivation, because I have zero willpower.
So I will be watching you closely. For cues.
On how not to eat like a fucking asshole.
ps – ever been to France? A lot of French people are, indeed, fucking assholes. Hmmm. Something to think about, that.
Mrs. Chicken: But are they skinny fucking assholes? If I’m going to be one, I’d as soon be a skinny one than a dumpy one. heh
The Rabbi’s wife: What is Israelis life expectancy/health? Just curious about the mentality of diet coke and cigarettes.
Yeah, well, French people might not get fat – but if I eat pizza it turns into muffin top. Period.
Yeah, but the trick to “eating only good food” is to only eating tiny amounts of it…. but who has willpower like that? Surely not me!
A lot of Belgians are skinny too, despite all the beer and fries. Could be cause they ride bikes everywhere. The South Beach Diet really works if you can stand 2 weeks of no carbs and reeking of onions and garlic. Seriously, when I followed it I lost 14 pounds in 2 weeks. Then I made the tragic mistake of eating Thanksgiving dinner….sigh…total deterioration.
I have only 2.5 months until my reunion…and I have done NADA…Help me…
I hear you. I’ve been allowing myself 1 bite of something delicious. Just one bite, not the whole thing. It really works. Also, the carb addiction that we have takes about 2 weeks to get out of your system, but once you do it’s not bad at all. My downfall is french fries. If I can go two weeks, then I can go for forever, it’s those first damn two weeks that kill me every time.
i would have eaten your pizza…because i am embracing my chunk.
So the idea is to throw away any good food and I will lose weight? Hum….. I guess I will just add to my muffin top! heh!
I loved that book. And the closest english approximation to Mireille is Mee-Ray…knowledge is power!
I’m a total asshole. I’m eating a whole can of Pringles–loaded baked potato flavor. I can literally hear my ass getting bigger.
Picklefish pizza in the trash?! That is un-Mobilian.
French women don’t get fat because they smoke a pack of Gauloises cigarettes in between every meal.
oh god, I am still laughing at cj’s comment, mostly b/c its really funny and mostly because I have a fresh can on pringles salt and vinegar flavor calling out to me from the pantry
I have tried that leek soup and its gross ..but thank you for putting a way to say her name in my head!!
Yeah I’m with RIma on the smoking- a friend of mine just lost a ton of weight- I thought it was because her husband left her- No it’s because she is smokin like a chimney cause he left her!
So I told my husband about this thread and he wants me to add that Israelis also eat a lot of vegetables and eggs. Israeli Salad has very low calories and is very healthy, and most people eat it fro at least 2 meals, if not 3. Breakfast here usually consists of eggs poached in tomato sauce, salad and coffee. Not my thing, but it works for them.
So I told my husband about this thread and he wants me to add that Israelis also eat a lot of vegetables and eggs. Israeli Salad has very low calories and is very healthy, and most people eat it fro at least 2 meals, if not 3. Breakfast here usually consists of eggs poached in tomato sauce, salad and coffee. Not my thing, but it works for them.
It took me a couple of tries to read this wee blog entry of yours because once I read “I threw away pizza”, a small part of me died. I had to wait until it resurrected itself before I could continue to read. I cannot believe you threw away pizza. That’s not just un-American …it’s inhuman. Oi.
As for the French not getting fat….I want to be French. If it means I won’t be fat anymore, sign me up baby. If only for the wine and cheese.
Ok, so the French smoke? Hmmmm. Shall we die of cancer or shall we die of heart disease or diabetes from obesity?
Shit, at least cigarettes make you feel good. Fat makes you feel like shit.
ohhhh…..I remember her! I remmeber seeing her on some show advocating beer drinking. She won my heart.
Have an asshole issue? Check out sendahole.com.
Mary Elle did not mention pizza, her philosophy: “she recommends bread, Champagne, chocolate and romance as key ingredients to a balanced diet”
Get hubby working.
My daughter has a little friend once who did not like pizza and wouldn’t touch it.
I never trusted that kid.
You have PMS.
I get like that when I have PMS. Everything is aboout the damn food.
Then, when it is over I am tossing food left and right into the compost bin (talk about not wanting to eat…get yourself one of THOSE things!) to make supposed mulch.
I am also contemplating this whole “smoking” thing. It coffee and wine seem to be the key to THINNESS. Who cares if you die at 70? You ARE SKINNY!!!
Now I want Chicken alfredo pizza thank you very much! Crap
I read her first book, too, and wondered how that leek soup was. Better you try it, than me!
I’ve been eating plain yogurt, too, although I don’t have a yogurt maker (yet).
I find whatever progress I make in summer gets negated with winter and dark/wetter days indoors. Sigh.
Dude, the reason I have 20 pounds to lose is because all freaking food tastes good!
WTF?
And consider your ass kicked! Now kick mine and tell me how I can lose 20 pounds in one week?
OMG! I am so with you. I’m in TOTAL denial that I need to move into double digit clothing. It’s just something I’m not willing to do. If I have to unbutton my pants when I’m driving, then so be it.
Ohhh.. Mary Ella…the dirty dishwater
I haven’t laughed so hard since I left for 12 days at the in-laws!