Thirteen days from today, I’m scheduled to start finding myself.
My baby starts kindergarten in less than two weeks. (My baby…gone from me almost all day. How did this happen?) It’s time to start getting on with myself!
On one hand, I’m marking off the days with glee. Freedom! Sweet, lip-smacking freedom! I can do whatever I want from 8-3! I can be me again! Wheee!
But on the other hand, I’m marking off the days with fear. Freedom? Holy shit, freedom?!? Whatever will I do with myself from 8-3??!! Be me again? Who the hell am I anyway?
Back when I was pregnant, The Plan was for me to return to work as soon as the last child started kindergarten, possibly preschool. That was The Plan.
Then the boys came, and it changed so much of who I am.
I’m not one of those bloggers who gave up a great career to be a mother. I hated my job in corporate America, mostly because it and the company sucked. I worked at the corporate headquarters of a medium-size construction supply company. I handled credit for a while, and then moved into inventory control for their 14 different branches. Nothing about the job was fulfilling (including getting paid half the salary of the male who did the job before me), and the people who ran the company were assholes too.
Needless to say, I had no reservations about leaving my job to stay home with my baby. Besides, we had The Plan. Being a full-time mom was a temporary arrangement.
(As if becoming a mom is ever temporary?)
Here I sit, now at the end of The Plan, and, holy shit, another Plan has not presented itself!
(Shouldn’t one just fall into my lap?)
I never imagined I’d be this type of mom – the one who stays home with her kids, but doesn’t know what to do with herself once they start school. I’m smart. I have a degree. Surely I have something of myself to go back to?
It isn’t like I didn’t have goals pre-children. I did.
While in college, I fully intended to get my Ph.D. in psychology. I was going to be Dr. Heather So-and-So and I would be super fucking awesome at fixing other people. Because at 22, I had it all figured out. Also, people would be really impressed with my Ph.D-ness!
(What can I say? I was 22 and very full of myself, as 22-year-olds are apt to be.)
But I became unbelievably burned out with college after 3 years straight through (no summers off for me) and working at the same time. I couldn’t imagine 7 more years of school. Could. Not. Imagine. I decided to take some time off before starting grad school.
So I took a couple of years off and then I started on my Masters in counseling, again while working, this time 40+ hours a week. At 25, I still thought I would be super fucking awesome at fixing other people because (hello?) I had it all figured out.
To shorten the story (and not divulge private information on other people), within the first year of grad school, I realized I didn’t want to listen to grown people’s shit, so I quit.
Then I got pregnant and deciding what to do with my life was something that could be done, you know, one day. In the future. At some point. But not today.
This entire year I’ve known the end of The Plan was coming. Yet each time I’ve tried to contemplate the end of The Plan, my brain said not today! Here lately though, I’ve tried to force myself to ignore the “not today!” sentiment and think about myself.
(*gasp* Such a novelty thing for a mom!)
I’m not going to lie. I feel like I’m 19 again, trying to choose a college major. And I feel no wiser or more capable to make this decision than I did at 19. If anything, I’m less sure of things than that 22-year-old full-of-myself Heather. Thanks to motherhood (and Payton especially), I now know that I really don’t know shit.
There are so many doors to my future I could open, but I feel paralyzed by the sheer number of choices. Oh, I’ve had ideas – loads of ideas in the past 8 years with a huge spurt of ideas in the past two months. But I still don’t know.
How did I get here? To a place where I don’t even know what I want for myself.
How did I lose my ambition and become someone who hops from job idea to job idea, unable to say yes, that is what I want to be.
I’ve become a person with no direction.
I do have *some* direction, though. I have things lined up for when the boys start school. I still have my part-time job, and I’ll be busy heading up a new volunteer program at the school that I hope will be successful.
I can simply extend The Plan, right? My boys are still young. There’s nothing wrong with being that mom who kinda works but doesn’t really because it appears she’s actually a stay-at-home mom. Keep being that mom who bakes delicious homemade cupcakes for class parties, knits cool scarves for teacher gifts, and volunteers her ass off at the school and Sea Lab!
This stage in my life shall pass too, and I will have the rest of my life to be all about me, right? Right?
I tell myself yes, of course it will pass and I have the rest of my life to do whatever I want! You know, one day. In the future. At some point. But not today.
Somehow a small part of me thinks I’m copping out.
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Heh, and here I am, pretty much in the exact same situation as you were (down to having the bachelors in psych, taking a few years off and then quitting grad school- only I did it twice, the quitting…although once was due to immigrating) and my major goal/dream is to start having kids. Strange how people react to similar situations.
God that scares the crap outta me.
I know you will find many new wonderful and exciting aspects of yourself.
I can’t wait to hear all about them all.
meh, 8-3 isn’t that much time, really. I mean, once you sit on the couch eating bonbons, do some laundry and surf the web, the day is pretty much over, right?
My oldest is going into Kindergarten in September, but my 3 year old will still be home (no potty=no preschool), so now I have to figure out what to do with a 3 yr old, not ever having one of those alone before.
So what I am getting from this is we are getting drunk the first day of school right?
It’s not a copout. A few years ago, I had a vision of something I wanted to pursue for MY life, something that would be soul-fulfilling. I KNEW when I realized what it was, that I was meant to do this thing. But my kids have always, always been my priority since I had them, so I didn’t push them away so I could pursue it, I’ve found ways to keep my connection to it while still honoring my job as Mom. Now that they’re older, I’m more able to go after it – but they’re still #1. I have two friends who lost their children, one at 9, one at 6. That deeply colored my relationship with the boys. We only have today – why not live there? I’m unwilling to add anything to my life that infringes on our time together – that time will dissipate naturally, as they get even older. I can wait.
I never thought I’d be fulfilled by “just” being a mom, but the way we live is so exciting and challenging, I am. AND I do things to stay connected to “me”, I’m not June Cleaver over here. I love our life.
yep…and before you know it you will be 50, contemplating the same thing…only then school will be much harder and working while going to school will be much, much harder as the brain doesn’t remember at 50 as it did at 19. So, I say this with the greatest amount of respect and empathy that I can muster…get off your ass and decide…before you get old and decrepid, like I did
Make a chart, a new plan, mark off the yea’s and nay’s of each idea you come up with, pick the one with the most yay’s and go for it. I personally think you would make a great social worker and the subject matter is fairly easy for an older student especially with your background. social work is not just listening to people’s shit it is about finding reasonable working solutions for that shit. Just a thought for your ‘plan board’
I imagine you’ll be busier than you think, volunteering at school can take as much of your life as you let it!
I also had all these preconceptions of SAHM’s…. until I became one. Cop-out? Nah, brave. Trust me.
I am feeling this same pressure of “what do I want to be when I grow up?” I still have time fortunately as B is only 2 turing 3 in December, but I still don’t know what I want to do for ME.
There’s nothing wrong with being that mom who kinda works but doesn’t really because it appears she’s actually a stay-at-home mom.
I hope there is nothing wrong with that…because that is ME! No one really understands what I do for work because I am home and able to drop it whenever I need to do something for the kids.
For what it’s worth, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I will have 8-3 sans kids this fall too. If we lived closer, I would so play hooky with you!
Oh my dear sweet all that is Holy….I could have written this word. for. freaking. word.
Only I have 14 days. heh.
Can one just say YIKES!!!!! How DID we get here? Why DIDN’T a plan just fall into our laps? (Like I so thought it would.)
Add not knowing where the hee haw heck we’ll even BE in a month, hell even a week. Do we take our house off the market? Do I look for a job here or there? Do I register the kids for school here or there? Oh, I need a drink. Becuase this not knowing shit? Is driving me batty. I wish I could be as confident now as I was in my early 20′s. For real. You hit the nail on the head with that one.
Oh my this worries me. I haven’t even had kids yet, but your plan sounds similar to my own. How do you reenter the workforce after 8 years? Or however long it’s been? Scary. Can’t wait to see what you end up doing!
It’s tough. I’ve never really known what I want to do with my life. For now, it’s just being a mom. Later? Who knows. I’ll probably teach, but that was never my life’s goal; it’s just something I’m good at.
Being a mom is just sometimes enough. It is a goal, and a direction, in and of itself.
It’s a hell of a lot harder when you don’t have the illusion of knowing it all.
But you’ll figure it out. You will. What’s the alternative?
I am very afraid of kindergarten. Best wishes!
I have a few years before my youngest goes off to kindergarten and I am also wondering what I am going to do with all that free time. I am thinking I might just do all the things that I don’t have time to do now, like exercise, eat right and sleep. Now doesn’t that sound lovely…I guess it’s kind of selfish, but downright lovely!
Hmm, just what do you want to be when you grow up? I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe married to somebody rich, that’s a good start.
I agree with Prin. Don’t put off the decision any longer. But don’t look down on the decision to be “the mom”. Not only is there nothing wrong with it, there is everything right. being able to work on top of it all is just a bonus. Maybe switch part-time jobs to something more fulfilling in a field you want to pursue, but DON’T minimize your role as mom. Your boys still need you, and often still in the 8-3 time range.
I agree with Prin. Don’t put off the decision any longer. But don’t look down on the decision to be “the mom”. Not only is there nothing wrong with it, there is everything right. being able to work on top of it all is just a bonus. Maybe switch part-time jobs to something more fulfilling in a field you want to pursue, but DON’T minimize your role as mom. Your boys still need you, and often still in the 8-3 time range.
Boy do I hear you, it’s never easy and I didn’t figure it out until the kids were in middle school, not kindergarten. You’ll get there!
And don’t forget to put the volunteer work on your resume!
good grief! school starts in 13 days???
i’m sorry…you lost me at baking…please continue to stay and home and send baked goods to me in toronto. okay? thanks.
wow…i work fulltime – but yet i so know where you are coming from…but i have been reading your blogs for a long while and think you will be A-Ok and figure it all out in no time..and if not..i have a feeling your blog-material will still be endless! ((wink))
HUGZ
a-licious
How exciting for you – and you know, you don’t jave to decide right away what you’ll “do” – take your time and enjoy this phase!!
You are you RIGHT NOW.
I think it may take some time for you to figure out what to do for yourself. After being a (stay at home, no “real” job, focus on my kids) Mom, you will need the alone time while your kids are at school to figure out who you are again and what your goals and ambitions are. You can do it, and like you said, you have time on your side, right? Right??
My youngest is nine and I am still at home. Maybe this is lame, I don’t know, but I get my stuff around the house done in the mornings and frankly, the kids need a LOT of stuff when they’re home.
Do you really enjoy what you’re doing now? The volunteering and Sea Lab and all? Then maybe this is what you want to do.
Do you have a hobby or project that you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the time? Then now is the time to start.
You’re a great SAHM and just because your kids are in school doesn’t mean you obsolete at that job now.
Just don’t forget to take some time for yourself and do what you want as well!
Good luck. I wish I knew the answers – tell me when you find them.
I’ve been very fortunate to be a SAHM throughout school. My youngest will be a junior this year, and I have no plans to go back to work full time until he’s graduated. Why? Because despite the fact that he’s old enough to take care of himself, knowing I’m home when he gets there is something he says is important. It’s comforting to know that no matter how crap the day has been, when he gets home, Mom is there.
But… I couldn’t just stay home all the time, so I got a job with the school district. It was so nice, having the same days off as the Minions, as well as summers off (which would have killed us with daycare costs if I hadn’t been home).
I graduated college almost 20 years ago and I still haven’t figured out what I want to do. And that’s with theoretically having all the time in the world to figure it out, because I don’t even HAVE kids.
I envy those who love what they do because whether they know it or not, THAT is probably what they are supposed to be doing.
So, did someone mention drinking on the first day of school…?
I have a different plan. When my kids go to school I want to go back and work on my writing. And I want to volunteer. I hope, hope, hope we’ll be in a situation where financially I don’t have to work. Sometimes I think about going back to school to teach English (community college level). But we’ll see.
Don’t worry about figuring everything out right now – you have to get used to both kids in school first!
If it were me, I would make any plans right away.
I’d try to get a bunch of home projects done first, sit around in my underwear swearing out loud just because I could, dry hump the MacBook a little, write a couple of books, then maybe take some figure skating lessons, and basically just see which way the wind blows me.
Just be attuned to your inner voice (listen to me! GAWD!) and I think things will fall into place.
You’re not copping out. You don’t even have to make any decisions right away. That’s the cool part of being all growed up. At 18, you have to pick a major because, well, you have to.
Now you’re grown. Experiment and learn and grow and THEN figure out what you want to be.
I am in the same situation and it has sent me in to a panic. I would like to work as my girls will now both be at school between 8:30 and 3:30 but I do not know how working parents juggle it all. My husband has no flexibility in his job so all of the sick days, snow days, holidays, school breaks and summer would be on my shoulders. Where do I find an employer who will offer me that amount of flexibility? Not to mention the current state of the economy does not make for an abundance of good jobs. Good luck to you I am sure you will find a solution that works for you.
Not being in your situation, I’m not sure what to say. I hope you figure out what it is you’re passionate about (whether that’s volunteering, going back to school, finding a kick-ass job, OR baking amazing cookies). I’ll be right here supporting you and excited to hear about your new adventures.
I’m right there with you. Youngest is starting Kinder this year, and EVERYONE and their aunt Ethel is asking what I’m going to DO.
I’m toying with getting serious about photography, but I shy away every time I think about signing up for classes. I would actually have to TRY, and risk failure, and get outside the comfy box I’ve created for myself.
Just wanted to say that I love this post. My boys are 6 and 3, and here I am waiting for the next Plan to drop into my lap once the youngest starts school…you mean in doesn’t happen that way?!?
You know, I had this feeling once, too, about “copping out” and not being all I can really be…blah blah blah. Then, my therapist (shhhh….) told me “It’s YOU who’s not validating staying at home. You won’t find validation anywhere else, you’re the once that has to say “worthy and honorable choice.” I rest my case. xoxoxo