How a Farting Gapmom Clears the Room in 6.5 Seconds
Posted by Heather in All About Me, I'm Deep Like a MarshmallowOk, so I’m going to admit that I don’t really believe I’m a dull wallflower.
I tell myself that but then I read about my friend, Ali and the famous people she’s photographing or meeting, and how her butt looks good in a g-string, and pictures of her drinking with friends on her birthday. Sigh
It’s not that I’m a dull wallflower, it’s just that I lead a dull life. Let’s blame Ali for my sudden obsession with moving away to Scotland, which is really nothing more than me overcompensating for my insecurities.
But no, once you get to know me, I’m not dull. I’m a very complex and intriguing person who can go from fart jokes to deep metaphysical theory in 6.5 seconds.
For example…
I made a bold move yesterday and called the mom of one of Payton’s friends from class. She and I chatted about room stuff, homework, and other general things, including how long we had until our kids found out about Santa Claus.
It was all moving right along and I thought, oh look at me! Making a new friend. See! This isn’t hard after all! Go me!
So we were talking about Santa Claus and how we hoped we had another 2 years to pretend and blah, blah, blah, that’s when I decided to go from the Gapmom who tells fart jokes to my deep metaphysical theorist self.
“Well, I’m not entirely convinced Santa Claus isn’t real. I mean, he could be. For all I know, I am a figment of Santa’s imagination and he’s the real one. Maybe he has made me and everyone else up just so he has something to do on December 24th.”
Silence from the other end of the phone. For some insane reason, I take this as my cue to continue with the psychobabble.
“It’s entirely possible, you know. I can’t prove that I exist, so how can I prove Santa doesn’t exist?”
Dead silence followed by nervous laughter from the other end of the line.
I suppose the fact that I have few real-life female friendships has nothing to do with being dull. With a mind like this, how could I be dull?
It really has to do with the mental flatulence that comes out of my mouth in 6.5 seconds.
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You know she was thinking the same thing, she just didn’t have the balls to admit it. HA!! Don’t worry, I have the same problem. I am either putting my foot in my mouth up to the knee or keeping quiet for fear of putting my foot in my mouth up to the knee. Either way I am screwed and I have accepted it. So, I keep myself entertained with my own thoughts and am now, probably, believed to be the weird mom that laughs for no reason. *shrug* Can’t win in this world.
It’s so hard ti find friends IRL that get you and the way you think and your sense of humor. I hate it. I am always looking and they are so few and far between it makes me sad. One of these days you will stumble across some new friends that will laugh at your jokes and agree with yoru theories. Orat least laugh in your face and tell you why theyare wrong. LOL
Be glad I don’t know you because I’d be following you around, stalker like, for you to be my FRIEND!!!! I love you. I know why, too. It’s the stuff that I do like you do, like think that total silence is a cue to continue the inane babble. Yup. Do you get the frozen stares, too, as you speak? Me, too. I can see the faces now. That’s OK…people like us are very rare, treasures, undiscovered jewels,,,!!! I could go on, but I don’t want to scare you. SO, I am now standing up to pump my fist in the air because you rock in my world..Go, Heather….Please don’t ever stop blogging, for my lonely misunderstood souls sake, you keep me sane every day..xoxoxo
okay. yes, i do get to do awesome things sometimes. and yes, i’m not afraid of celebrities. and can walk up to them and chat them into the ground.
but put me in a parking lot full of elementary school moms??? and i turn into a shy mess. i cannot talk to other moms. cannot. so, i don’t have the balls to randomly call another mom.
you win!
Yes, I can just hear the silence on the other end of that line, and the next ‘oh – one of the kids is calling, have to go’ response.
Feel free to call me any time – I would love to talk about the concept of us being part of Santa’s imagination. But then, who is thinking of him?
Joe: Who is thinking of you?
All I can say is AWESOME. If someone asked me that question, I think I would fall dead silent just because I would know that the person I am talking to is bloody brilliant and anything I would say would show my true ignorant self.
So take the silence as a compliment. I’m sure it was meant as one!!
*I* would not have been silent – I often think the same kind of thoughts! LOL. I would have joined in – we could have gone off on a whole santa tangent!! She was merely overwhelmed with your obvious intelligence and was made speechless!
oh i WISH you would call me and have conversations like that!!!
it’s so much better than the usual blah blah yak yak i get….
I’ve had stuff like that happen far too often. I ended up leaving a moms’ group I joined because not one person got my sense of humor. Every conversation, I’d say something and the response would be *crickets*.
I don’t think your kid’s gonna be able to hang at that lady’s kid’s house anymore.
Sometimes I have “word vomit”. It just keeps coming out. I want it to stop, but I can’t stand the awkward silence.
I stumbled across you and I think you’re hilarious!
Darn – I so know the answer to that one!!!
Heather, you do know that all other mothers you have to deal with on a school basis are merely figments of your imagination placed their to challenge your concepts of self, don’t you?
You make me grateful I have found my tribe… I think you’ve found yours, too, it’s just virtual and not on the elementary playground. But I bet there’s another mom there who can get you! You just haven’t connected yet. Next time you’re in a crowd, say something dark but funny, and listen to see who laughs.
I used to be in a support group, and when most people spoke there, people will be yelling and oh-yeahing! and laughing. When I spoke, there were just perplexed looks and silence. A friend came up afterwards and said he loved the speech, and I pointed out that not everyone had. He said, “Oh – I think it’s just that you’re different. Everyone else who speaks here pretty much says the same stuff over and over. People had to actually think when they listened to you.”
I’m going with that!
Deep like a marshmellow, huh?! I love it. Your mental farting is just fabulous. I’d love you in real life. Some people just can’t handle such fabulous deep thinking.