The state of being normal. Or a jack ass. Or a genius. Pick a straw.
Posted by Heather in Evidence File for The Betty, Gifted Children, This Mom GigIn the middle of August, I was on an emotional high. It was the best start of a school year ever. Payton started the year like every other kid and, my god, I felt a physical weight off of my shoulders, a weight I’d carried for years without realizing.
See! My child is normal and can start school just like everyone else. Whew!
Somewhere in the dark places of my mind, I must covet this state of being – of being normal. I talk a good talk of disdain, but I wonder if I talk it because on some level I want it. Do I secretly wish, so secretly I can’t even admit to myself, that I had two Parkers? Two little boys who go to school just like your average kid where my biggest worry is that they’ll eat their boogers in front of someone or repeat one of my cuss words where a teacher will hear. Do I really wish for that?
Sometimes his un-normalness shines through. No, it doesn’t shine. It bursts out of him so glaringly bright in the way of love for the ocean and his un-normalness is not scary. It’s the stuff legends are made of. It’s a radiating force of energy and this un-normalness hits me not as fear, but as awe at the utter uniqueness of soul that is Payton. Everything great about him is so clear that I can’t believe I’m so blessed to be raising such an un-normal kid. During those times, I swear my love and pride of him will consume me.
Other times his un-normalness drags me down to the depths of despair. I can’t reach him, can’t understand him and people look to me, expecting me to do those things. Here Heather, what are we suppose to do with him? Like I know. Fear takes hold, but fear of what exactly, I don’t know. That he’ll never be normal? No matter what I try, no matter what psychological trick I pull out of my ass, there’s never going to be a lightbulb moment where it comes together and I can relax. During those times, I swear my fear for him and frustration will consume me. What did I do to deserve the hell of raising this kid? Why can’t he just be normal?
I’ve gotten two phone calls from his teacher this year. The latest one was today. Payton was upset with his tests and wasn’t completing them. He was melting down that there were too many. She put Payton on the phone and I can feel his distress through the phone. Three tests that morning, plus a math test left over from yesterday that he didn’t complete. I don’t know what to say to get through to him or calm him down.
After Payton comes home from school, we talk about what happened with his tests. He gets upset again, telling me his head hurt from tests, tests, tests! So he had a headache? No, it just made his head hurt because he couldn’t get a break from all of the tests.
He didn’t complete his math test because he didn’t know how to spell out twelve and he wouldn’t guess. This is a recurring battle between him and his teacher, this refusal to move forward with work because he doesn’t want to misspell a word and she won’t spell it for him. I don’t know if he’s using it as an excuse for…whatever. Or is this intense perfectionism? Sheer jack assness? He won’t lose points for spelling. Why won’t he do like the other kids and freaking guess how to spell it and move on?
Three tests in one morning, on top of the two tests the day before, well, that does seem like a LOT of tests for 2nd graders. Add in they never have time for art projects, at least not that I’ve seen, and it seems it is work, work, work. My gut tells me it’s too much to expect out of eight-year-olds. Who are we to keep their nose to the grindstone at such a young age and expect it to work?
But am I sure it’s my gut telling me that? Maybe I’m justifying. Other kids adapt to it each year. Maybe I’m one of those mothers who refuse to see things like they really are. It’ll be one reason after another why Payton isn’t fitting in with the system, but the reason is never because there’s something wrong with Payton.
Maybe there is something wrong with him. Maybe he does have ADHD. But I’m not even sure what that means anymore. I see the word ADHD and somewhere in my mind I know what that means, but the idea of ADHD as an entity literally feels like a ruse. A trick of the mind.
Payton brings home a math worksheet he didn’t complete in class. This is also a recurring event, that and not paying attention in class. It’s a worksheet on tens and ones, something they covered in first grade. I have no idea why they are covering it again. I ask him why he didn’t finish it in class, I admit with a tone of frustration. He knows this stuff, why won’t he just do it? He thinks he’s in trouble from the tone of my voice, and maybe he should be. He tells me he didn’t finish it because he was trying to think of a way to make it harder and ran out of time.
I look at him, not knowing what to say or do with that. I get up and go to his room, pull out his leftover math workbook from first grade that I stored in his bookcase. I flip to the back of the book and to the sections they didn’t cover in first grade. I pull out a worksheet of adding double digits, like 52 + 24, something they have yet to cover so far in second grade. I put the worksheet in front of Payton and tell him to show me if he can do this. I walk away. No instructions or explanations. Set it down, walk away. Four minutes later he brings it back to me. Every single problem is correct, front and back.
What am I suppose to do with that? Payton makes up negative equations on his math homework if he can, just to make it harder. And he gets so pissed off at me if I try to interfere by telling him to do it easier. If there’s a way he can write a word problem in an utterly complex and confusing way, he’ll do it. He’ll throw in useless information, negative numbers, etc. He did one so long and complicated, I didn’t think he even knew the answer to it, it was that convoluted. I handed it back to him and told him to write the answer, thinking he’d confused himself and didn’t know it. Lickety-split, he wrote the answer.
But this kid melts down over back-to-back tests? What am I suppose to think? How am I suppose to know what to do, what to tell the school? If he were consistently brilliant, they might would do something about it, have him work above his grade level or something. But he isn’t consistent about it and then throws in crazy shit too.
I don’t know where else to go with this post. I got up an hour ago because I couldn’t sleep with these thoughts running through my head and had to get them out. And now I just want to go sleep.
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Heather,
If i could climb through my laptop and find myself on your doorstep, I would give you a helluva a hug, and we’d sit down on the front porch and have a good cry and then a good trash talk about labels and stupid public school, which i’ve now resorted to calling pubic school.
Peyton could be Thing 1. Those things that you mention, and the feelings you have that coincide with those actions or non-actions – yep, that’s us one state below you.
I don’t have any words of wisdom, hell i’m getting my reading material to study from you – picked up the book. Hang in there – if you want to just lash out to someone going through your hell – you can find my email on my blog.
Hang on tight.
I am right there with you girl. I swear. My son got in trouble last week for reading ahead cuz he finished his work too fast. He then got in trouble because after he finished his work ahead of everyone else he gets bored and starts being naughty. He started sneaking reading then got in trouble for that. He is supposed to sit still and patiently wait for everyone to finish. I know his skin must crawl with energy so I told him to jiggle his foot and twiddle his thumbs seriously. poor kid. what i can’t understand is why is it ok to be hyper and quirky as an adult and even as early as highschool, but not in elementary? our poor kids. Anyway, hang in there and know you are so not alone.
I really wish I had some advice for you. Is there a way for you to spend some time in his classroom so you can get a better feel of how their days go? You are doing a great job. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Parenting is a learning curve and with him throwing kinks into the “norm” it makes your curve more bumpy.
Testing testing testing. It drives me crazy now that my eldest is in 3rd grade. They’ve got state mandated TAKS they have to pass to move on, so this year it feels like all they do is teach test taking. Ugh.
Despite his inconsistency, it sounds like he would be better served in a gifted/talented/advanced program. The one in our school system doesn’t just base their evaluation on test scores/IQ tests. They look for a well rounded child who shows artistic ability, as well as ability to think outside the box. Sounds like Payton to me!
At the same time, he is eventually going to have to learn to go along to get along in certain situations, as much as that sucks. In all aspects of life, we’re forced to do some pretty mundane, stupid shit just to get through the day. But if he had those other outlets for his creativity and dynamic thinking, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to get through the dumb stuff.
Hey, good luck with that.
Hell, I think I would have had a meltdown if I had 5 tests in 2 days. Maybe the teacher needs to spread out her work better so she’s not doing all those tests on the same day(s).
However, you may have some battles when it comes time for him to take the SAT – they don’t give a shit if he wants to make it harder – he HAS to get it done WITHIN their alloted time. Maybe you should work on giving him work and timing it. When the time is up – that’s it. You could give him the same “type” of work each time (for example, adding up double digit numbers), but make the answers different each time. Give him enough time the first time to complete it (something ridiculous like half an hour), then keep shaving time off until he has to speed-finish to get it done. Maybe that would help?
Unfortunately No Child Left Behind has teachers giving standardized tests WAAAAY more than neccessary. Way to go on that one W.
But anyway, is there a way to talk to Payton’s teacher and see if maybe he can be placed in a gifted program or given some accellerated math work?
As far as the testing anxiety goes, perhaps you can talk to Payton’s kung fu instructor and se if he knows and relaxation techniques that Payton could use before a test. Maybe you can work with the analogy of “beating” the test. If it makes him scared or hurt then he can overcome it using the mental relaxation from kung fu.
Just some thoughts.
I do think that is too many tests, and ridiculously too many for 2nd grade. Of course I can’t tell you if there’s something “wrong” with him or not, but clearly he’s under-challenged either way.
I would recommend the book “The Well-Trained Mind”. It’s by a woman who pulled her kids out of school in the 70s? to homeschool them because her daughter wasn’t challenged enough. The book is geared toward homeschoolers, BUT it also has parts on how to adapt these practices for under-challenged kids who do go to school.
Don’t know about where you live, but in the district I taught in, 2nd grade is when they do the Stanford-Binet (IQ) tests to gauge whether kids are talented and gifted or not. Problem with that IMO, is that many children that are gifted also display a distaste for tests, sitting still, etc. Ask your kiddo’s teacher if there are checklists for TAG (talented and gifted) behaviors and if you’re allowed to request them (for her and you both to fill out). He will also, somehow, have to complete the test. (Ask what kind of modifications they might make for him?)As soon as he’s “tagged” they have to provide him with extra challenges and material modifications until he graduates from high school. Your child has RIGHTS in the classroom. Check with the district and/or the state you live in. In the district I taught in, if we weren’t able to teach the material the student needed, our district had to BUS the student to the nearest school (usually a jr. high or high school class for those higher level classes) to get that. Ask for a meeting with the teacher and the counselor or the talented and gifted coordinator in your child’s school and go in with a list of things you’re concerned about. I always appreciated and respected the parents who advocated so passionately for their children. Don’t be intimidated. Be sweet but PERSISTENT!!!!
Heather, I went through this with my oldest daughter when she was still in school.
Needless to say, the endless frustrations (from her and from me!) led me to both pull her out of public school and look for explanations.
bottom line? She’s dyslexic and gifted…twice exceptional is what they call it. She’s a divergent, right brained thinker in a world of left brained teachers. I could write 4230482034 pages on her learning style and still not explain all the quirks and strangeness of it all. Once she took a reading test and scored in the 3rd percentile for word recognition and 99th percentile for comprehension. So, only reading 3% of the words she understood it completely. ??? She hates to be taught something until she already understands it. ??? She doesn’t learn part to whole…sequentially going from easy to hard in steps…she learns whole to part…first understanding the thing completely and then breaking it down backwards. ???
I found the traits that made her diagnosed with ADHD (amoung other things) are positives when she’s in her correct learning ‘zone’. The distractibility turns into hyperfocus, her inattentiveness turns into creative problem solving. She’s a naturalist through and through, and when she’s volunteering at the science museum no one suspects what kind of struggles we had in elementary school–her expertise is astounding.
I know homeschooling isn’t for everyone, but regardless I think you are doing well to side with Payton on this one…these intuitive kids are powerful learners when given responsibility for their own learning.
Don’t even get me started on the epidemic of overtesting….
You have a bright, special kid. You will probably get those phone calls for years to come. Expect them, be ready for them and try to stay calm about them. Of course, encourage your boy to follow the rules, be respectful, etc. Of course, let the teacher know you are working with him on any issues. But remember- he is special, in a good way.
And I was a “normal” kid growing up and all those tests on Friday made me physically sick. I was so relieved to get to high school and college and have tests on other days. My 8 year old son has started having tests on Fridays and he is fine- it’s ME who gets anxious!
I will agree that I think it is ridiculous for schools not to give any down time between lessons, especially for boys. They need to run and get that energy out so they can concentrate. We are basically phasing out P.E. and recess and they are very important, especially for the younger set.
I think you have said that your son goes to a public school. Have you thought of private school? If that is not an option, have you looked into a magnet school or other alternative public school setting that might better suit his needs. This might be a time when labeling him might work to his advantage.
I am just as confused about certain things with my daughter’s school career. Of course, they are not on the same level, but I pray they work out in the end. One example is how she had a F in reading last week and now she has an A. Or how she can do her math homework without much help, but yet she is not reading along with the other first graders. She can read a story or word, that she read fine a day or so ago, and have trouble.
Quite frankly, I don’t think Amber would survive in a public school setting. Right now her school offers so many creative outlets between her classes that she is able to focus when it comes to work. If she was made to sit through lesson after lesson without being able to move around and express herself, we would be in big trouble.
Good Luck
Your 8 year old has tests? I’m sorry, that’s just so odd to me. Learning is supposed to be fun at this age, not testy.
I’m sorry.
My daughter has had struggles too and because she presents like a kid without any issues, there were many times when I’d get that “What are we supposed to do with her?” look when she melted down. It’s hard. But it got easier for us, or maybe I’m more used to it.
Good luck. I know it’s a struggle.
I think he’s genius. Seriously. He needs to be in a program for geniuses. What? We don’t have them? Oh yeah, stupid school system that works like an (ass)embly line.
Honestly, that paragraph where you wrote that they don’t have time for art any more? Pisses.me.off. This is why as a teacher I’m personally thinking of homeschooling my kids.
Colleges are all about creating the well rounded student, making math majors take music and art, and making art students take science, etc. Why do we think our small children will do well when we take away the extras and make them study boring subjects with no interactive field trips and such thrown in?
Ga, getting down off my philosophical soap box now.
I don’t know what to tell you (except kudos on the math worksheet thing!) maybe you should take that in to his teacher and just tell her he’s frustrated because he’s a perfectionist and he’s bored. It really is her responsibility to make sure he’s challenged. Too often the idea of individualized instruction simply means that the average instruction gets brought down to the level of the lowest child. And that is killing Payton. He needs challenges, heck, maybe he really even does need to be in a higher class. Maybe the consistent challenging would help him in a lot of areas.
Just my 2, er, 5 cents!
Oh Heather, I really feel for you. Of course, I only have half of your problem.
My daughter melts down. She doesn’t need a reason.
She never completes any tasks in school – but she can’t blame perfectionism, her spelling is atrocious – she is just a little too busy helping everyone else.
I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you.
I would try to get a bit more on the back of the teacher and on board with the teacher on what they are doing in class and how she (or you at home) can make it more Peyton friendly.
We had this exact issue in January. Had my son tested up and down. They think it’s something called Sensory Processing Disorder, used to be called Sensory Integration Disorder. We’ve gone for sessions with some really cool doctors, and my son is learning how to control stress, frustration, perfectionism, sensory overload. And I’lm learning how to turn down the volume of interactions in my house. BUt all this does try me, but you know, what I HAVE to be his biggest chearleader: if not me, then WHO? It’s an everyday process, everyday I begin with the same small fear in my stomach. Sometimes we’re lucky, and no phone calls come. OTher times, the calls are there by 10 AM. There’s lots out there like us, remember that, you’re not alone…You’re the perfect mom for him. Love covers so many things.
Had this issue occur for us, over testing, also. My son stood up, knocking a chair over in the process, and tore the cover sheet off the testing notebook. The teacher freaked out, like it was hijacking, or something. He had just had it, it was Day 5 of tesing him on anything and everything. I picked him p, all the teachers feathers were flying. I took him home, and we never went back. He is now in a TAG (talented and gifted) program and is happy, excelling and with teachers who don’t push his buttons. Man, there is now allowance for a kid unless he is absolutely typical. Makes me want to push these teachers down, like on a playground when I was a kid. Bad Ladies. Good luck…he is a great kid that would do great in an environment where others could at least TRY to recognize his gifts. Sheesh, come on, people..
What kind of sadist gives second-graders five tests in two days? Or four tests, whatever it was. That’s a LOT of tests in a short amount of time, even up to the collegiate level. No wonder Payton broke down.
As for the making things harder, $10 says he’s bored as hell in his classes and just needs to be challenged. It’s something that brilliant kids do–they give up or simply don’t do the easy stuff because it’s not hard enough to catch their attention. He’s already proven he can do it; he’s probably thinking, “Why do I have to prove this again?” I know there’s the emotional and social developmental aspects, but have you considered skipping him a grade? Or, heaven forbid, homeschooling him? It might be worth exploring . . .
poor kid is simply bored! the teacher needs to find more complicated math work for him to do and CHILL on the tests! also? the bitch needs to just spell twelve for him or let him keep a friggin dictionary at his desk. what kind of teacher ENCOURAGES a student to put a misspelled word on their paper just for the sake of finishing???
all things bd is SO right about the stupid TAKS. it’s ridiculous. as someone that grew up and now works in the texas school systems, i can honestly say the standardized tests and the preparation that goes along with them is complete bullshit.
I wish I had some advice for you, or words of wisdom, or some way to make it easier. But I don’t. So, I’ll just say again that you’re amazing and he’s lucky to have you, and that I would love to give you a huge hug. Hang in there. You’re contributing to the fact that Payton will be AMAZING when he grows up.
OMG. I was just putting away the dishes, and a thought occurred to me. At the height of my son’s “unacceptable behavior” at his old school, I found out later that the teasing had escalated. He hadn’t told me, because he said the kids would bully him more if he did. Well, after I pulled him out, and things calmed down, and we talked, he then states matter of factly, “It’s nice to not have to worry about kids throwing my shoes in the toilet anymore..” WHAAAAAAAAAA???? So, all this had been going on, and he never told ANYONE. So, something to consider: asking Payton if anyone is bothering him or harassing him at school,( more than usual, right?) Good Luck.
I always feel so helpless for you. I have such deep respect and admiration for your strength.
I will tell you that you are the 4th person I have heard mention that 2nd graders seem to have WAY too much homework for their age. I thought the mothers around here were just joshin or not ‘remembering’ what it was like.
Now, I’m not so sure. Are you on to something?
Keep your head up. You are a great Mama. I know what it is like to just feel overwhelmed and just want your child to be NORMAL for god’s sake. But, I have always told my eldest child that NO one is “normal”…. we are all just weird to greater or lesser degrees.
I would press for evaluations for gifted/ advanced. Or push for AT LEAST some more advanced work in Math. And maybe speak with the testing specialist at the school regarding different ways to ease test anxiety.
Big hugs to you. I am NOT looking forward to my middle child starting public school.
I have a feeling the lack of art and creativity has to do with the pressure from the government to make certain standards- The No Child Left Behind bullshit. When I taught there was a lot of pressure to leave that kind of thing out and a drift away from mother’s day/father’s day projects, drawing pictures for the hell of it, etc… I Have you ever thought of hiring a “tutor” who works with Payton not on remediating his school work but on enrichment activities? Kind of a reverse tutor I guess? I also taught gifted education and now stay home with my kids. I have wondered if there was a need or want for someone who does that. There are children who don’t make the right scores on tests and don’t fit the percentages for the formal gifted programs at their schools but would certainly benefit with the style of teaching. If your school has a gifted program, you may want to use the teacher(s) as a resource. Maybe they know someone who, like me, left teaching to stay home and would be interested in that sort of thing. They have found that the style of teaching in gifted education is beneficial for both ends of the spectrum and for kids who don’t do well in traditional classrooms for various reasons. Wish i lived in Bama, I’d help you out!
Also- where I live, there is a Gifted Resource Center for Kids that is a private program offering classes and camps for kids as well as informational seminars for parents. Google your area and gifted resources.
Hey Heather,
Someone in your comments mentioned a right-brained learner, and I’m passionate about that learner.
I don’t know you but was asked to come hear your story because of the houseful of different children I have raised and maybe something in my experience might help you.
You are SO right about not looking to Peyton as who/what is wrong, but the learning environment. He sounds like a couple of my strong right-brained learners. One of mine loved to make up harder things to do with math as well. These learners tend to be serious concept people (which means sometimes they’ll struggle with memorizing the math facts, but can do algebra anyway). These children also believe in the big attributes like loyalty, integrity, honesty or authenticity. They recognize testing as hoop jumping instead of the real, explore-the-inner-workings of things, learning.
Right-brainers tend to also be highly sensitive. They also want to know there is meaning to what they do. They are the first to say, “But why do I have to do this?”
If you want to learn more about this learning style, feel free to check out my blog at http://applestars.homeschooljournal.net as well as my friend’s blog at http://www.throwingmarshmallows.com
Stick with your son! He is the person who will flourish in our adult world of out-of-the-box, conceptual thinking. Help him survive these younger years that don’t appreciate the gifts of these learners because the system didn’t change with the times.
-Cindy
My heart hurts for you bc I can feel your desperation in this post. It sounds like he needs a gifted program. He NEEDS to be challenged. Do they start the gifted program that young? I wish the school was more willing to work with you and be innovative!
I feel your pain because my son is “not normal” as well. But in my case, it is not MY son, it is my stepson, but I have raised him since he was a baby and his mother is a worthless piece of you-know-what so his “unique behavior” is all on my shoulders to deal with. We have been through so much testing for him to figure out what is going on and they have diagnosed him with ADHD and put him on medication. Not that I think that is what your son needs, but it seems like some teacher should be paying attention enough to say “hey, let’s test this kid and see why he has so many problems within the classroom.” It could be that he has sensory issues or something that could be helped with OT or some kind of therapy to help him deal with his frustrations. I would get on their cases to help you out because that is their JOB. It seems to me like he is an extremely intelligent and gifted young man, and you don’t want that stifled because nobody took the time to figure out what he needs to thrive.
That’s just my, oh, 35 cents!
Petra: I don’t know of any therapies that will help with the reality of 2nd graders taking 16 tests in two weeks.