When Volkswagen’s new Brooke Shield’s ad campaign came out, I thought they had something. And maybe they do. It’s funny. It’s fake-serious. You know I’m all over the fake-serious.

But after this weekend, I think Volkswagen has been outsmarted.

Yes, Brooke is pretty and has great eyebrows, but clearly Epson knows more about female consumers than German engineers.

Where VW says yes, you have babies as an excuse to drive our van, now give us $25,000, Epson says something so completely different it makes me weak in the knees and I’m sure retail therapy in the way of lots of Epson products is the only cure. Epson, dear sweet Epson, said these words to us…

You ladies want to get together? Here, let us pay for it!

…and they treated us to a conference called BlissDom ’08, which is part of the online magazine Blissfully Domestic, headed up by Alli Worthington and Karla Porter.

And because I can’t stop myself from dropping more names, there was a FABulous woman named Barbara Jones, founder of One2One, who also played a big role in BlissDom, and treated us attendees like royalty.

Of course, I am royalty, but that’s neither here nor there because that was some damn fine red carpet. Epson should be proud of the job Barbara did for them. I think the carpet she rolled out was probably finer than the carpet I walked on on my wedding day, and here’s why:

First, they fed us breakfast. In a bar. And no one smeared syrup in their hair or threw Cheerios on the floor and then laughed as we cleaned it up. Come on, breakfast in a bar? How cool and hip is that!

I know you feel the hipness of the event just by reading this, don’t you?

Second, after a couple hours of great communication and un-conferencing, they fed us lunch. No one smeared Spaghetti O’s on their shirt, and while we were busy not spot-treating Chef Boyardee out of shirts, Alli gave away some of her gorgeous jewelry.

Third. Oh, third! They provided us with a private concert with singer/songwriter Jessie Baylin. Did you get that private part? Routan boom that shit, VW, because Jessie was great and I had my picture taken with a future mega-hit star. On top of the private concert, there was much emotional bonding in the way of more talking and sharing, and even more prizes, like a kick ass Epson wi-fi printer.

(I didn’t win it, which kinda sucked because my Precious needs a wi-fi printer. What is a yuppy computer without a yuppy printer to go with it? It’s a yuppy computer with an identity crisis, that’s what. But I quickly forgot my disappointment when I heard the words “drink tickets” and “special martini.” Printer? What printer?)

Fourth, a free cocktail party with our very own martini….a Blisstini, which was totally yummy. We drank, we mingled, we bonded even more and after the cocktail party, we were given a HUGE swag bag full of wonderful goodies.

So let’s stop and tally what we have so far:

Epson: breakfast, awesome conversation, prizes, lunch, more awesome conversation, more prizes, emotional bonding, private concert, cocktail party, and then lots of swag.

VW: get stretch marks and give our company $25,000, bitches.

Tsk tsk, VW. Obviously Epson understands the female consumer much better. Food, communication, emotional bonding, alcohol, and presents.

Pure genius in it’s simplicity.

But Epson, that fine sugar daddy, didn’t stop there. Not even.

At the end of the day, Epson said the hottest, sexiest words you can say to a grown woman.

“I’m taking care of dinner tonight.”

Swoon! Take me now, I’m yours!

Epson and Barbara loaded us into a shuttle (because we’re fun but responsible women with families who love us, and who wants to drink and drive? Not us! And not Epson.) and took us to a delightful restaurant in Nashville called The Sunset Grill.

Not only do they kick German ass, but Epson kicks Dutch ass too because they were all what the hell is this “going Dutch” shit? Have more alcohol, have gourmet food, have chocolate dessert! It’s all on us!

Then they drove our tipsy asses back to the hotel and had their way with us.

Ok, so there was no having their way with us, but they did drive us back to the hotel and if I were in the baby-making business, forget that Routan Boom stuff, I would totally make one with my husband and name him/her Epson.*

And Barbara? She would be the baby’s fairy godmother. Or at least my doula. If you saw how great she is at her job, you would definitely want her there rubbing your back, making sure everything ran smoothly, and you would never run out of ice chips.

You are probably more than a bit jealous now and wishing you had been at BlissDom ’08, right? Yes, I’m like Yoda and feel it I can through the screen. I know the feeling. I’ve walked your shoes.

Don’t worry. Rumor has it there will be a bigger and better BlissDom in February. Though it may be bigger, I’m not sure it’s possible that it could be better. Well, they do say anything is possible, and if it’s better than this past weekend, I will so say BlogHuh? and be back next year.

*Official rules and guidelines: name guarantee based soley on sponsor meeting the following requirements, and maybe others I make up next week. Must pay for husband’s vasectomy reversal in full, a two year supply of cloth diapers for baby, sexy nursing bras and tummy tuck for Queen of Shake-Shake, a larger vehicle so husband can haul third kid places, and a paid-in-full college fund for little “Epson.”

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 19th, 2008 at 3:34 pm and is filed under Royal Holiday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.