from the Shake Shake dictionary
vitriol: noun. not a form of alternative fuel, but flammable nonetheless.
Ok, apparently I should drink before writing posts so that they actually read sane, huh? I’m sure yesterday’s post only affirmed what I know many of you are thinking….there’s something not quite right about me.
In an insane society….
But that’s cool. I’m not one to say no to an excuse to indulge, so hang on just a sec while I mix a drink.
I’m back! So let’s get down to more stable thoughts from Heather.
Two days until Thanksgiving and dare I admit I’m not feeling very grateful? Just the opposite, in fact. I wonder if it would create a feeling a gratitude if my family and I planned to have Thanksgiving dinner out because that would eliminate the bajeeeeellliiiiooon things that must be done today.
But that’s not the plan, so I’ll be cooking for four straight days.
I feel like I should unload a gallon or two of vitriol, though don’t be confused by the sound of that word. It’s actually not a form of alternative fuel. Sometimes a good venting can get you back in the right frame of mind (and if yesterday’s post is any indication, it’s long overdue) so I’m going to give it a try.
Lazy fuckers in Wal-Mart parking lot – When the buggy return corral is directly across the aisle from your big honkin’ truck, is there some reason you can’t walk your buggy over there instead of pushing it into my van’s parking place? If you look through your window and see what appears to be an attractive woman jive-talking as she pushes your buggy to the corral, it’s me cussing you out.
More lazy fuckers in Wal-Mart parking lot – You sat and sat there in your car, waiting for the parking space to open up. Meanwhile, I drove around your sorry lazy self and parked at the end of the row and still made it into the store five minutes before you did. And we blame the fast food industry for the obesity epidemic in our country. It’s really people jockeying for close parking spaces that’s the culprit.
Carpool moms at elementary school – When you see the dozens of neon orange signs along the carpool drop off stating to NOT talk on your cell phone during drop off and pick up, do you think you are an exception to that rule? Or perhaps you are illiterate instead?
Speed demons in elementary school zone – What is with you people? Don’t you know school is ALL about following rules and when you enter its atmospheric pressure, you must follow the rules? It’s all of 100 yards where you need to slow down. Don’t get mad when I purposely pull out in front of your 45 mph ass and then drive slower than an old lady on her way to church because there are kids out there. Though sometimes I’m a passive-aggressive bitch and pull out in front of you speed demons just for shits and giggles, especially around days 25 and 26 of any given 28 day cycle.
Mother Nature – Dealing with relatives during the holidays is tricky enough. Do you think it’s some kind of sick fucking joke for me to have PMS right here at Thanksgiving? Instead of having neutral feelings about certain relatives I gained upon marriage, I now envision it’s their roasted carcass on the table that’s being carved up instead of a turkey. And then when I wake up from this fantasy, I take my disappointment out on Wally.
To the asshat who coined “kill them with kindness” – Go to hell. Sometimes it’s fun to kill them with all sorts of mean, vindictive shit, like a Thanksgiving dessert that’s a cake in the shape of a pile of turds. Oh, the things I can do with chocolate icing.
Ok, I think I feel better. I’m off now to read a kindergarten level book on gratitude. Clearly that’s the only level of maturity I can handle at this time.
What’s your pre-Thanksgiving cathartic shit list?
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I can’t even get close to Walmart without wanting a Xanax. And that’s something, because I’ve never actually taken a Xanax. But it’s my own lack of ability to locate anything in the place, locate any employee who knows where anything is in the place, and my uncanny ability to pick things that won’t scan properly and require 10 extra minutes in line to buy, when I feel like I’m in way too deep to just bail.
Uhhh…. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am one of those neuortic moms in the school lane. I never get up on time ’cause my toddler has NEVER slept therefore I am always LATE for work and cussing all those slow moms. Please forgive.
I don’t go to Walmart from November til Febuary ’cause I can’t stand those lazy, nutty people fighting over $2 sheet sets. Nutty ass rednecks.
Another one for Ms. Mother Nature: Why-oh-why must I always “drop my boys at the pool” when I have a grocery cart half full. And now that I birthed two real boys, there is VERY LITTLE grace time. Thanks a lot biyatch au natural.
Another one for Ms. Mother Nature: Why-oh-why must I always “drop my boys at the pool” when I have a grocery cart half full. And now that I birthed two real boys, there is VERY LITTLE grace time. Thanks a lot biyatch au natural.
Wal-mart and the DMV. Two places where every slack-jaw has to visit as least once in their life. You’re guaranteed to run into several on any given day.
Kindness is for pussies.
I was giggling until Miss Britt’s comment. Now I’m cackling, and, um, I may have even snorted!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much shit this week, but seriously? It brings out the funny in you.
I’m posting the BEST pumpkin-tini recipe tomorrow. You might need to indulge in a few to get through the rest of this week;)
The best pre-thanksgiving day post ever. Seriously, what is it with people at Walmart? I have learned to shop there alone to save my children from my potty mouth.
(1) Lazy-ass women in Wal-mart with 6 kids clinging onto their cart, blocking the whole aisle and they won’t MOVE until you literally barge into them and knock their cart and children out of the way. (2) Car sales showrooms that continue to send emails/phone calls and letters 2 years after I bought a new car. I just bought a new car dickwad, no I do not want to buy another.(3) Not being able to drink over Thankgiving while my husband says things like “shall we treat ourselves to a bottle of Baileys?”
YOu could make the inlaws a very special chocolate pie only for them (ex-lax goes a long way, just say). Give it to them as they leave, so nobody else gets a piece. Just saying. Well.
Wally World? No, don’t do it, don’t like the place, just too many people like that.
I don’t have a Pre-Thanksgiving Cathartic Shit List but come Friday afternoon I will have the top 25 reasons why shopping on Black Friday warrants spiked Starbucks.
Do you really call shopping carts “buggys?”No catharsis for me, I’m still drunk from my birthday. Though I must say, the day of Thanksgiving should be a lot of fun, what with the mix of Christian Fundamentalists, Bohemian Beat Writers, Lesbians, and Pre-op Transgendered Tweens, and Kids around. I plan on filming the event.
Safeway managers for not putting pecans on sale when I making pecan pies and need like $45 worth of them.
Mother Nature, too, because it’s SO friggin’ dark already and now it raining.
Any store that is putting out Christmas stuff.
And I’m sure there’s more, but I haven’t started drinking here yet.
I want pictures of the turd cake
I swear to you, the words ‘carpool’ and ‘moms’ in any combination just gives me the shakes. I totally have post traumatic stress disorder as a result of my years doing drop off and pick up. To quote Samantha Baker in Sixteen Candles, I loathe the bus, but my kids seem to dig it, so they wanted to ride it. Actually, they probably wanted to get away from me bitching about drop off and pick up!
I have post-Thanksgiving complaints! No pre-Thanksgiving ones. I can’t go shopping on Black Friday (as it is cleverly known as for whatever reason) because 1. I don’t possess enough patience, and 2. I will be alone with a toddler who doesn’t understand the word “calm down.”
Online shopping for me, I guess.
I snorted at “kindness”…and I was in a meeting that I should have been paying attention to. Har.
May I add to the school list? I hate those assholes in minivans who park too close to me to open my door wide enough to get my child back into my vehicle. Your door slides open, so you don’t care? Really? So how much do you care about the massive door ding my pregnant, hormonal self is about to leave in your f*cking Windstar? Don’t get me started on the moron who parked so close to my driver’s side that I had to wait for her to come out of the school. It’s 19-degrees here, JACKASS!
Go Monty Python make a Salmon Mousse!
My husband is going to drag my sleepy butt out of bed early Thanksgiving Day Morning so he can run a 5 mile race while I wait in the cold and rain, I mean, be a supportive spouse. At least he’ll win a pumpkin pie if he does well in the race, which he usuallly does.
But I really really really want to spend Thanksgiving with thinkfeelbe! A day with “Christian Fundamentalists, Bohemian Beat Writers, Lesbians, and Pre-op Transgendered Tweens, and Kids” bets my non drinking inlaws anyday!