Whoa. What the hell happened? The Queen of Shake Shake just up and stops posting for days and days?

(Or did anyone notice? For my ego’s sake, I’ll pretend you did and that you care what happened.)

So I’ll tell you what the hell happened.

Megan took over my blog!

She damn sure did. She called me and said, “I’m gonna NaMoBloYou, girl, so you just sit back and enjoy some time off!” And then she didn’t blow me. Instead, she invoked the Megan effect of not posting, which is really what NaMoBloYou means. It’s a December spin off of GoBloMeMoFo where Megan infiltrates your blog with her velveteenness of silence and then when you finally DO start posting again, people come in droves because they are so in awe of your ability to just up and leave your blog and then come back on the fly and bang out awesome shit.

Ok, so I just totally lied through my ass and made all that up.

Was it rusty, what I made up about Megan? Because I haven’t written the first word in an entire WEEK (the horror! my fingers thought they would die) and I’m afraid I may be rusty. Please tell me I’m not rusty or I might have to amputate my fingers to keep me from ever writing again. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?

(check back later this week for more insecure, attention-seeking posts!)

So what really did happen last week?

Oh, I was so very busy, you know, resigning myself to suburban life again.

It’s very time consuming, staring out your window at all the barrenness. And the effort it takes to sigh all of the time? Oh my god, you have no idea.

However, after a few days of being a window-staring zombie who sighs a lot, the next stage of resignation kicked in and I like to call that the stage of overcompensation.

So I throw myself into the role of the perfect suburban wife and mother.

My house? Is so clean. Would you care to eat a meal off of my kitchen floor? Because you could, you know.

Dear reader, I overcompensated so much that I even vacuumed the curtains. Vacuumed the damn curtains!

(dear god, where is the straight jacket?)

Also, the halls are all decked. The Christmas trees (yes, plural because I’m all about overcompensating) are all up and decorated, the hand-carved Santas are on display and the tree skirt is freshly laundered. (because my cat peed on it, the tabby fucker)

On top of the cleaning and decorating, Parker’s birthday was also last week. My baby is now six. Six!

I strained my brain so hard to come up with something sweet and sentimental to write in honor of his birthday that I came close to causing an hernia. Or maybe hemorrhoids. I stressed and stressed over my inability to write something for my baby because clearly it means I am an inferior mommy blogger that I couldn’t.

But then I had a light bulb moment.

I told myself to hell with blogging, this is about BEING IN THE MOMENT! I love my son so much that I would stop the constant hum in my head that composes blog posts ALL THE DAMN TIME. Never mind that the hum had been dead for several days already, I WAS IN THE MOMENT!

And when that didn’t resolve my bad feelings, I guilted myself into even more overcompensation by baking him a homemade birthday cake with my awesome buttercream icing.

Only the buttercream icing slid off of the cake! This happened several hours after I finished and the icing had set. Seriously, does humidity affect buttercream icing or something? I was so pissed because I made that cake out of mother guilt and it needed to be perfect in order to assuage myself.

Besides, I’m not a dumb ass and that cake was completely cooled and the icing was not too thin. I’ve made birthday cakes for 10 years now, I know the right consistency for icing. What the hell caused the sliding icing?

And then Parker didn’t even eat a slice of his own birthday cake. I would call him a name right now, but I still feel bad for not waxing poetic over his birthday, so I’ll refrain. Days later, I still feel bad for not composing something for his birthday, but not to worry because I have more mental games to play and keep myself distracted from my feelings.

Around this time of year, I always swear I’m not going to make scarves for anyone, but then I find out someone needs a scarf (like my boss/surrogate mother/conscience who let her *real* daughter have one of her scarves I made while they were on that awesome Amsterdam trip in which I was not a part of) and the bug bites me. I whip up a kick ass scarf in about two hours and am so impressed with myself, that I have to do it again, and again, and again.

My guys see the kick ass scarves I’m making for girls (because the fun fur and cello yarns? So cute!) and want me to make guy scarves for them. Have you seen the handsomeness of my fellas? How can a girl say no to such good-looking guys?

(plus, the biggest guy rubs my feet at night. It’s all about the balance of give and take in a marriage.)

So my fingers have been clinking needles instead of tapping keyboards. I’m on the fifth scarf this week. Yay for overcompensation!

By Thursday, the week really turned around and my resignation to the suburbs was made easier because we got our gas bill in. Not our heating bill because we’re all electric here, but our automobile gas bill.

Reader, the Shell bill was only $175. We haven’t seen a bill that low in three years. Three years!

Hello discretionary money, where have you been these long, long months??

Nothing helps you forget the stale suburban life like retail therapy.

Ok, so screw retail therapy. I’m really going to use that discretionary money to restock my liquor cabinet because, due to the recent economy, my Special Cupboard of Happiness has been bare. My family is coming to my house for Christmas this year and I MUST have a well stocked liquor cabinet. It’s the only way I survive.

On Friday came the real icing on the cake, and this time it didn’t slide off.

Jamie from Blonde Mom Blog awarded me the November ROFL award for my post How to eat your asshole children.

Now that is sweeter than my homemade butter cream iced birthday cake and I want to thank Jamie for the honor.

Tell me what has gone on with you over the past week. Did I miss any news or awesome blog posts? Because after so long, I’m afraid if I open my Google reader and see the HUGE number I know will be there, it will throw me into a fit of overcompensation again.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 8th, 2008 at 3:42 am and is filed under A Bunch of Nothing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.