I don’t think vampires are sexy, but stinky feet turn me on
Posted by Heather in UncategorizedSo this whole Twilight mania. Grown women titillated over vampire romance.
Well reader, there comes a time in your life when you have to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything. This is the Queen of Shake-Shake taking a stand against teenage vampire romance novels.
I mean, if I fall for that kind of thing I might as well fall for a historical Scottish man named James Fraser who has a time-traveling wife.
Wait a second, that won’t work because, um, Jamie Fraser is HOT. And he actually has HOT MONKEY SEX with his time-traveling wife, which in turn makes me want to have hot monkey sex with my husband, so really, Outlander is a benefit to my marriage.
I fail to see the benefit of Twilight. From what I understand, the characters don’t have sex even though they totally should. What’s the use in reading romance novels (aka soft porn) if they aren’t going to do it? Plus, the guy who plays Edward is too pretty to be a guy. I hear women of my generation speaking of Edward’s hotness, but all I really hear is the buzzing of insects.
I just don’t understand these things.
I also don’t understand the sexy quality of vampires. What is wrong with you people?
#1 They bite you on the neck. Not a playful nibble, but a REAL bite. With blood. This business of a male vampire restraining himself from biting you because he’s in love with you is NOT romantic. At all.
#2 They drink your blood. Many women freak the fuck out at the idea of touching their own period blood by using a menstrual cup, but having someone drink your blood is hot and sexy? You are strange, strange aliens from another planet and I am confused by you.
#3 Once they bite you and drink your blood, you become undead and go around biting other people and drinking their blood. But will you be any more comfortable touching your period blood? I think not.
So this is me, Heather, taking a solemn vow to not read the Twilight series.
Secretly though, I sorta want to read it to see what all the fuss is about. And perhaps use it to better understand the insanity of the masses, because clearly, y’all are fucking insane.
On the other hand, if you want to read adult romance where there actually is hot monkey sex, then I suggest reading the Outlander series.
Let me tell you, a romance book recommendation coming from me should speak volumes. While I used to be an avid historical romance book reader, something about being in my thirties has ruined it all for me. And by “being in my thirities,” I really mean being married 1000 years.
The books are so dumb now. The girl is always a virgin (btw, Claire, the woman in Outlander is not), an aristocrat (not Claire!), and twenty (no again!). They have big tits and tiny waists, and the men all have huge, throbbing “rods” and never experience the first episode of premature ejaculation. Not even one.
What the hell? That’s as fake as teenage vampire romance.
The woman always climaxes the very first time, even if the guy is a pirate and hasn’t had a women in a year because he’s been out at sea. Somehow he’s able to last long enough, and, I’m sorry, that’s just too much unrealistic bullshit for me to tolerate.
(Jamie Fraser? Now he is the virgin in the story and the first time the characters do the Nasty, he doesn’t last long enough for Claire to get her rocks off. That, at least, has a smudge of reality to it and makes the story believable, time-traveling included.)
What I want to know is why no one writes about romance in long-term relationships? Where are the books that tell what it’s really like once the stage of infatuation and lust has passed.
Like the fact I’m sitting here as I write this and Wally is right across the table from me playing War of Worldcraft. Or World of Warcraft. Which the hell ever.
Anyway, Wally says, “Man, my feet stink really bad.”
That Wally can even smell his own feet when they are on the floor and he is sitting his six foot frame at the table should tell the extent of the stank. But in an hour or so, I’ll bet good money we’ll get it on.
There I am, hearing my husband confess to awful, stinky feet and somehow still have it in me to find him attractive…THAT is real romance.
(or someone who is only desperate for sex)
Let’s reverse the situation.
(so you know I’m not all sexiness and hotness 24/7)
We have a cat who loves to sleep in our bed, usually curled in the crook of my legs right behind my butt.
(you know where this is going, don’t you?)
Wally laughs right along with me when I fart on the cat and she then starts to purr because of the fart (not making that up), and five minutes later, he still wants morning nookie. That is also real romance right there.
(or again, someone who is desperate but would like to avoid divorce)
Honestly, I can’t understand why romance books like that wouldn’t be bestsellers?
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I haven’t succumbed to the Twilight hysteria yet, but as I teacher I find it a bit disturbing that 10-12 yr old girls are infatuated with the same characters as grown women. I thought the book was targetted at teenagers but now I am confused as I have heard so many women gushing over Edward. This doesn’t sit well with me.
Shoulders Shaking (too tired to LOL). Ok, but Monkey sex probably includes throwing feces, right? RIGHT? Married for 1000 years/mid thirties..check. Husband’s horrendous foot stink? check. However it provokes a silent fury in me. Misunderstood passion? I’ll have to think about that one…
Shoulders Shaking (too tired to LOL). Ok, but Monkey sex probably includes throwing feces, right? RIGHT? Married for 1000 years/mid thirties..check. Husband’s horrendous foot stink? check. However it provokes a silent fury in me. Misunderstood passion? I’ll have to think about that one…
Heh, the farting on the cat has me crying I’m laughing so hard.
But yeah, Twilight I’ll probably eventually read cause I’m curious about the hype but it is supposed to be YA fiction and I’m not sure why grown women are all swoony over it.
Currently I’m reading Dead Until Dark, which, while about vampires, is much more relaistic…as far as vampires go.
I’m not opposed to the vampire books (even though I have a huge fear of bleeding when I’m not supposed to) but I LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! The Outlander series! James is smokin’ hot! It’s the greatest series. At some point I might read the Twilight books, but, meh, I’m not in a hurry.
My aunt is a romance novelist and I’ve read a bunch of her books but they all seem exactly the same and the excessive use of words like “rod” and “manhood” and discussion of throbbing nipples and stuff really just make me giggle and leave me unable to take the rest of the story seriously.
I bought a copy of Twilight and then immediately asked myself “Why did I do that?” and it’s been in my car ever since.
I’ll cop to having a crush on Angel of the Buffy series, but that was really more about David Boreanaz being excruciatingly hot than any. Vamoire lust. And I know this because I still find him painfully sexy now that he’s playing a character of the non-vampire variety.
And I have nothing to say about the sexy cat farting except I know exactly what you’re talking about. My crook-of-the-legs sleeper is a weiner dog and we swear he actually sighs with contentment when he gets farted on. Which happens with alarming regularity.
And this concludes the longest comment in blog history.
I recently succumbed to Twilight. I am not “swoony” over Edward but I think the books are good. I probably won’t see the movie either. I admit, I used to get a lady boner over Spike and Angel on Buffy. Why? I don’t know. Probably the same reason Tony Soprano made my lady parts tingle.
My MIL is an avid romance reader, most especially that specific sub-genre of paranormal romance. If it’s about vampires, she’s totally into it. Doing it with aliens that disgust you yet you can’t keep from spreading em? Yup.
And she hates Twilight. Says the author sucks (pun not intended), nothing happens in the books, and it should have been maybe 2 books, not 4.
Her 11 year-old granddaughter, on the other hand, says they’re the best ever. Far as I’m concerned, ’nuff said. I haven’t read them either, and don’t particularly feel the urge.
Well ok, I’m embarrassed to admit that I hard crushed on Edward. He’s just all kinds of sexy.
I’d LOVE for you to read Twilight and do a review. See if you can resist him. See if you get his strange power.
And I totally agree that a book should be written about hot sexy marriages!
Well, it IS fiction for the young readers, so I would expect an 11 year old to like it. But I also liked Bridge to Terabitha and Little House in the Big Woods. I don’t understand why it’s strange for an adult to enjoy a book written for young readers. And that’s all I did, enjoy them. I am not starting up an “I heart Edward” fan club or anything.
I love this post! I am chuckling because your synopsis of the classic romance novels is hilarious. I especially like the part about the pirate.
Ok and about Twilight. You either love it or you just aren’t that impressed. It’s YA so you have to expect it to be slightly “soft porn” as you say.
Having said that I am so guilty. I love them all. You are right about the fact that they didn’t have sex when they should have. I would totally support Stephanie Meyer if she wrote the Twilight series rated R version.
Even though I wanted it to be a little more x rated it was still sexy and it was still really captivating. I am going to be checking out Outlander now because it sounds like a very good idea…and I am sure my husband won’t mind the extra nookie.
Plus he is tired of me pretending he is a teenage vampire
Now that I have a daughter I’m more than creeped out by Twilight. Even if they aren’t doing it. I also vow not to read! Woot! And as a Jackie Collins fan since the age of 13 I would also like to say that I have no idea how I missed reading Outlander…would it be weird to have my MIL buy it for me for Xmas?
So, I have nothing to say about Twilight. I haven’t read it, and I have school aged boys… BUT. You have now placed yourself in my heart forever by being a fan of Outlander. Seriously. I have read the whole series several times over… And I’ll take Jamie over a vampire ANY day of the week.
OMG! Those last few lines? Priceless.
I don’t get the Twilight thing either. Zombies…now that’s another story entirely. Something about the possibility that their just might just fall the hell off…now that’s hott.
Also, I was totally turned on by the fact that my non-husband and I now have entire conversations about poop. It really just illustrates how close we are.
You fart on the cat! LMFAO!!!
Married sex is so much hotter…especially when your hubby doesn’t care that your pits smell.
Gonna check out the Outlanders but no vampire books for me. Creepy.
I’m sorry, but you’re completely wrong about Twilight. It’s a great series. I read the second book in 3 days, I just couldn’t put it down. It’s much more than just a teenage romance novel, it’s a greatly written series. I think even if you just read the first book you’ll like it too.
Amy: Is that a CHALLENGE?
Christy: I don’t think it’s strange for adults to enjoy juvenile fiction either. I’m a big fan of child lit.
But, the grown woman mania over vampires? That’s odd in my book.
Why yes my Queen – that could be construed as a challenge, now that you mention it.
Edward (sigh) is 90 years old and he’s 17 years old. Vampires are frozen at the age they were when they were transformed, so he’s lived a very long life at 17 years of age.
This little trick is in part why I think so many *ahem* more mature women *ahem* can get hot for Edward without feeling pervy or cougar-ish.
You crack me up! I’ll admit it – I read the Twilight series and I love it! Love it! But Outlander series was and is my first true love. Jamie Fraser – YUM!!! Cracks me up when the later series talks about Claire menopausing and Jamie being all self-conscious about her not wanting him anymore. Even a hot man like him can get insecure! SU-WEET! =)
I agree with you 100% regarding the Twilight series. Vampires just don’t float my boat.
I love the Outlander series, too. I’m on the third book and love it!
Hands up to not having any clue what the Twilight series is about and singing loudly “la la la la la” when others start on about…
I still haven’t seen Titanic – I swear I am the sort of chick who if the whole world goes “oh, swo-oon” I am all “no way, not buying in to mass hysteria”.
So I have no contribution to the Twilight part of the post – nor indeed Outlander.
However – I went to boarding school THEREFORE there was a lot of romantic fiction of all calibres exchanged often.
There was a whole lot of the “virgin nurse/experience doctor 100 years older” falling in love and marrying without so much as a kiss – sort of like the cheezels of romance fiction.
Then there was the “independent determined woman/experienced rich man 100 years older” falling in love and marrying with a bit of a fondle – this would be more your salt and vinegars.
And finally, there were those that were real people who were falling in love and getting with nary a thought to age difference and experience levels (and for a bonus often included a storyline) – they are your ferero roche’s.
I think the stinky feet/1000 years marriage romance novel probably has a place too – peppermint cremes?
Dude, I am sooo over Twilight mania!! It is everywhere. I refuse to read the books. Out and out refuse. I even bitched and moaned about the xraze on my own blog a few weeks ago. Good grief. Enough with grown women fawning over a book for pre-teens!
i totally want hot monkey sex with jamie fraser.
totally.
I have to say, I have no desire what so ever to read or watch Twilight.. its not my “thang” it doesnt even remotely appeal to me..im knockin on the door of 30 (2 years, Lord help me) but, I still have no desire to watch this.
Thank you for the laugh. The things we do after we’re married, eh?
I have NO interest whatsoever in the Twilight series although my husband is reading them…. how’s that for ya? He’s a high school teacher and one of his students sucked him in. He says they’re lame (and proves it by reading bits of really bad prose to me) and then continues to read… go figure!
Just making sure you know I am not swooning over Edward or any other vampire in that series – lol. Some women I know said it’s that they wish their husbands could be like Edward. I dunno about that. Now you made me want to read The Outlander series. I never thought I would think it was good.
I am currently reading the Sookie Stackhouse series. It’s what the HBO series True Blood is based upon.
Amy: I’m assuming when you say “transformed” you mean when they are bitten and become UNDEAD and CURSED, right?
I’ll second Outlander. Fabulous book and tons of good grown-up sex.
Ooooh I do love the Outlander series- good post- why don’t you write that book?
I’m totally gonna have to read Outlander now.
I DO NOT read romance novels. However, a few years ago my Mom went totally GAGA over Jamie and the Outlander series, and I finally gave in and Oh. My. God. SO GOOD!
The wife read these, said “hey, you should read these,” I did.
Now, I’m a 40 year old male raised on James Bond and Captain Kirk as role model’s for proper alpha male behavior, I would say that Edward is a good transition. Is he metrosexual, hell yes, no one looks as good as he does without serious and expensive european products in the medicine cabinet. His virtue is in his restraint, he is super human, he could simply take Bella but doesn’t, she is like heroin to him and he resists.
As for the age group of women that seem to like Edward, easy, he is 100 years olde in a perfectly sculpted 17 year old glowing body. He works in a demographic from 11 to 100 with no guilt at all.
The book is well done, albiet a very very easy read, it is enjoyable and contains some twists and turns that make it worth the 8 or 9 hours to read them all.
Cheers!!!
Vanir
I will admit to breaking down and digging into twilight because of the hype from V’s daughter who’s 16 going on 21. I like the restraint he shows – it’s kind of sexy IMO. But i really like her too – i like that the heroin doesn’t think she’s beautiful and considers herself a clutz. i can relate. And who can resist the description of edward when the sun hits him – “sparkles like a million diamonds”.
So what I’m hearing is his restraint makes him sexy? Is that the restraint from biting her or others?
I’m thinking if Wally had to restrain himself from physically harming me, that’s not all that sexy. At all.
Edward doesn’t bite others. He and the “family” he lives with choose to feed on animals and not humans. It is a life they chose, not one that is natural to them. And Bella definitely wants him to bite her. He doesn’t want to doom her to a life like his.
Alright, alright. I’m ordering Outlander. HOWEVER! You need to read Twilight. You just do.
The Twilight books are good, but I’m seriously sick of the fangirls and the hysteria. Bleck. It’s at the point that if you want to read them without being mobbed by squealing girls demanding to know if you think “Eddy” is “hawt”, you need to find a book cover.
(Stupid fangirls)
I also have no idea why vampires are so sexy…*shrug* In my books, they’re just as freaked out by the blood as normal people and look like normal people. No perfect looks for them.
So there.
So then what is Edward restraining himself from?
I enjoyed all 4 Twilight books and the movie. I admit it. AND, I am laughing my behind off at the cat farting incident.
mmmm…..Edward….mmmm….
i swear to god, just read the books. and see the movie. you will want to do really inappropriate things to Edward.
He is restraining himself from biting her. She wants him to. Badly. You would have to read it but her blood has a special smell that is different than any other and he has a hard time fighting the urge.
Wally says my sweaty pits have a special smell that is different than any other.
I’d totally give Bella a run for her money.
Hahaha! The more I answer, the dumber the book sounds ;p
Found you through Braja (and SO glad I didi!) You had me laughing because I can relate totally (not sure if that is good or just kind of weird). Anyway, I read the kiddie vamp books and they are ok, but if you want some vampire books with hot monkey sex, and hot werewolf sex, and come to think of it hot jaguar-man sex try Laurell Hamilton
I caved in last week, and now have the first two in the series done. It is addicting! HOOKED LIKE CRACK. Love it though. My sister just read the first one, positive she wouldn’t like it, and loves it. She can’t wait to read the second.
Oh yeah. Loved Jamie. read Laurel Hamilton’s Anita Blake series. I double dare ya….Anyone else out there a fan?
LOL It never ceases to amaze me the women who admit to farting in public forum. I am not one of them. LOL I still like to pretend they never happen to me or any other woman for that matter. And if I tooted on the cat with hubby laying right there, I think I might die right there, RIGHT THERE. And if hubby still wanted morning nookie 5 minutes later, well that wouldn’t be true romance for me but rather a disgusting case of necrophilia. Eww.
I have not read Twilight, though I might be convinced to read the Outlander series. Hot monkey sex totally works for me. 30′something, married 1000 years and stinky hubby feet, yeah I could use a bit of encouragement some days
Queen,
I had this article forwarded to me from one of your fellow Twilight haters. I knew nothing about Twilight until my cubicle neighbor showed me the trailer and said we had to go see it. So, a bunch of us did, we made a Girls’ Night Out of it. The next weekend, I took a friend to see it who had barely even heard of it. The following weekend that friend took another friend. And then over Christmas break, I took my two cousins who are my age (27). Following Monday, I get a text from my cousin (who knew hardly anything about Twilight until I took her to see it). The text read, “I can’t stop thinking about Edward and I can’t stop reading the Twilight books I just bought”. So, ya see, it’s all some kind of phenomenon. Of course, my husband is convinced there are subliminal messages in the movie and then his BFFF says he heard Twilight is a government conspiracy to control minds and Twilight is the test for such mind control.. I (and surely he) do not believe this. But there’s something about the series that’s unexplainable. I HATE SCI-FI. It’s true. Science Fiction for me consists of Back to the Future and E.T.
All I’m saying is that you should at least read the first book. See what you think. Maybe you’ll go on to books 2 through4, and maybe you won’t. But before you can take a stand against Twilight, you must experience it for yourself. If you read the book or watch the movie [preferably read the book--although if you watch the movie first and THEN read the book--like I did--then you have the advantage of picturing Robert Pattinson whilest reading the book:) ]. Just do it, and THEN you can dog the Twilight Saga. Deal?
(sorry for babbling on so long)
Stephanie T.
PS: Edward is hot. Just sayin’.