The most popular fashion apparel at BlissDom better be Spanx
Posted by Heather in Materialistic MeSince I’ve never attended the BlogHer conference, I’ve been able to read these “What To Wear” blog posts from a place of detachment and superiority.
Look at those women, getting all lathered up over what to wear, and new shoes and shit. Pfft. I’m not one bit jealous of THAT.
I couldn’t give any more thought to the whole “What to wear to BlogHer” drama than above because turning into a green monster and grabbing my boobs takes up A LOT of my time during the month of July. Honestly, you have no idea.
So now that I’m going to BlissDom, I find myself getting caught up in the whole “What To Wear” drama.
I keep hearing about these dresses from some apple orchard. Crabby Apple or Granny Smith Apple. Something like that, I don’t know. I’m not an online boutique shopper because that just isn’t exclusive enough for me.
For Blissdom, I will be shopping at a very exclusive boutique here in my own town. It’s called Heather’s Closet.
Heather’s Closet is a pretty cool boutique where you can find a range of fine designer labels such as, When You Were 10 Pounds Lighter and What the Fuck were You Thinking?
Those two lines are the most popular items in this boutique.
I’m trying desperately to drop 7.2 pounds in less than two weeks so that I can select an outfit from the awesome line of When You Were 10 Pounds Lighter. In order to accomplish this Mission Impossible (because I love to set myself up for failure), I’m eating Starkist Sweet and Spicy tuna exclusively. At only 70 calories and 0.5 grams of fat, that should do the trick, don’t you think?
The only problem is that I’m eating so much tuna that I think it has permeated my skin and I suspect I’m beginning to smell like fish. Instead of impressing people at BlissDom with my slimmer figure, they’re going to think I have a serious vagina problem. I’m pretty sure BlissDom execs will bring in a complimentary gynecologist to the conference just to check my Hoo-Haa.
I also heard a rumor there was going to be a pajama party at Blissdom. I haven’t confirmed it yet, so who really knows. But obviously these people have not heard what kind of pajamas I wear to bed. I don’t know what to do about that if the rumor is true. Do I show up in a lace-cup nightgown? No, I probably should just wear a bedsheet and feign confusion.
Oh, I thought this was a Toga party, not Pajama Party. They sound so much alike!
Then I read that dressy jeans are the way to go for this conference. I admire dressy jeans, I really do. I actually lowered my standards and shopped at less exclusive stores than Heather’s Closet for a pair. But everywhere I looked, these jeans have flat-ass inducing back pockets.
How do you people wear jeans with just a slit in the back for pockets? Let me put it to you like this – I don’t weigh 147.2 lbs because I have a lot of junk in my trunk. I weigh that much because I’m tall and I have a big head, but no butt. Slit back pockets = flat ass. Unless you’re J-Lo, which I’m not. In fact, I’m J-Lo’s ugly cousin with the flat ass.
So what will I be wearing?
Ugh, I don’t know. Daytime, I’m dressing like I do every day. My Levis (with flap back pockets because those make your butt look rounder, yay!) and shirt with ballet flats.
But the cocktail party dress? I am a lost, lost soul when it comes to dressing up for a party. Is it still fashionable to wear knee boots with a skirt? I don’t know these thngs.
The fact that there are TWO parties, meaning I need TWO cocktail outfits, well, that’s enough to make me sign a pact with the Devil just to find a dress I look good in. I’m so confused and misguided that I ask that you pray with and for me…
Our Father, that art in Target.
Missimo be thy name.
Thy sale paper come, shopping will be done
On plastic, as it is in bad economies.
Give us this day our skinny dress
And forgive us our 10 pounds
As we forgive those who lost 10 pounds against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from Choxie evil
For Target is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and forever.
Amen.
This post is probably why I don’t get any sponsors for conferences, isn’t it?
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I have things by the same designers. I’m wearing a burkha to BlogHer. It’ll be all the rage.
You crack me up! I will be wearing PLENTY of under-armor at BlissDom under my Granny Smith Apple dresses. I can’t help you on the jeans. You looked great at the last BlissDom; just wear that outfit again! I loved those red shoes and I’ll NEVER TELL!!
Oh my holy hell. I have seriously wet myself and must now go and change my grannie panties.
Seriously. The ode/prayer to Target did me in. I was giggling and snorting, and, well, I think I just guffawed. Scared the kids. Thanks for the belly laugh. See you at Blissdom…if I can ever figure out what to wear…hmmm…
This fucking killed me! I had to clamp a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud while Shark is downstairs doing homework.
“Heather’s Closet is a pretty cool boutique where you can find a range of fine designer labels such as, When You Were 10 Pounds Lighter, and What the Fuck were You Thinking?” is my favorite thing I’ve read in months.
On another note – there are two cocktail parties? Srsly? Shit girl, I need to actually look at the schedule and dive into Amy’s Closet right quick I think.
I will be wearing the same things to all of my soirees this year and I’ll just have to hope no one notices given that they are all in different states.*fingers crossed*
AND HOW GLAD AM I THAT I’LL FINALLY GET TO MEET YOU I R L ?
Shabby apple! It’s the best from what I understand though I’ve never purchased anything. My advice for any sort of event like this is where what makes YOU comfortable. I mean yeah, you might have to dress some things up a bit but it’s more important that you’re comfortable which leaves you free to enjoy yourself and those around you. Seriously.
Heather B: See, I thought the most important thing was to pick an outfit that best hides your drinking belly. Because after several blisstinis…..
thinking about it stresses me out. i do have a stretched out pair of spanx though….be ready for those!
LMAO. That was fabulous!
I’m here to tell you that as long as I am attending, you are guaranteed to be dressed better than at least one person there. I’ve given no thought to what shabby item will be pulled out of my closet but I promise there is no chic after my shabby. And cocktail parties? Please tell me people aren’t dressing for those! I will be wearing whatever I wore the rest of the day. I’ll be lucky to find 2 outfits for Blissdom let alone pulling a Houdini and finding a cocktail dress in my closet.
This post cracked me up! Thanks to Amy for pointing me this way.
3 months prego and gaining pounds by the minute. I’ll be the one in a mumu – proudly.
Very clever using the Lord’s Prayer. Wish I would have thought of that idea. Of course it won’t prevent me from stealing the concept. When we meet in Hell, we can duke it out!
dude. sponsors are for AA.
I’m actually in search of Spanx!! Gonna need it even with a (so far) 8lb loss.
AMEN. The Target prayer is too much. It’s award winning really. Submit it to Target and maybe they’ll sponsor you. You’re going to hell of course but at least you have a shot at that sponsorship.
I am lucky I am not going to Blissdom, it seems.
I hate that I can’t come to Blissdom…seems my husband thinks it’s more important to move into his new office rather than let me have a “work weekend” my bloggie friends.Troll…men are trolls.I’d wear the toga…you can never go wrong with the toga.Have fun!
That prayer? KILLED me… I am seriously on the floor. Thanks for the laugh this morning…. that was super awesome.
I want to see your picture at the pajama party.
I think I just peed my pants, lol. (PS I am wearing Mossimo jeans one day, and Old Navy denim trousers the next.)
I am totally tweeting this post.
I always say that if I ever went to one of these things I would start a movement to bring together all the moms and we would all forgo the spanx and the dieting and the shopping for new stuff and we would all act like we were 21 years old and eat whatever and drink whatever and celebrate our freedom from spandex and children and just have a grand time.
But I would totally be first in line to buy something new, and I would probably wear Spanx AND control top pantyhose under my new jeans that I starved myself to get into so everyone would be jealous that I was such a hot skinny mom.
Forget sponsors, Heather, you should worry about the DEVIL after that take on the LORD’S Prayer.
I’m praying for your soul. And for you to lose your 7.2 pounds (not because you need to, but because you want to.)
Lastly, I DO NOT DO pants without pockets on the rear.
Good stuff, Helga! Funny funny funny. I love exasperation and your truly the Queen of it!! ~Rick
that was a great one. i love your designers. my closet is filled with the designer You Just Don’t Have a Clue.
i loved your spin on the prayer. guess w/ all of us reading it today, does that count as church for the week?
and another great- was wally’s comment.
thanks for the great laughs!
how funny, my boutique carries those same designer labels! Best of luck finding TWO dresses. And I think the website you were referring to is Shabby Apples, no? Loved your Target prayer! God speed my friend!
Fraking fantastic.
Dude, I hate the jeans. until now. I have found bliss and cute backside (yay!) in Target’s premium bootcut jeans. dark wash. 27.99 HOT.
They’re going to make you want to hump my leg even more
And I have to go pajama shopping because what I sleep in, yah, ummm no.
just sayin’
Now, I have to catch my breath because this, slayed me.
Oh holy hell that prayer made me laugh out loud. I’m goin’ straight to hell…
And I hope like hell knee-high boots and skirts are in cuz that’s what I’d planned on wearin’ to one of the cocktail parties. To the other? No FREAKING idea. And now I’m freaking out about it, thank you very much.
Wishes there was a Target god to pray to in Canada and a Mastercard god so she could afford to come get bent with all of you lovely gals have a Blisstini for me!
True Religion jeans are the way to go to emphasize a flat butt….and I know this because I’m 5’1 and ALL my junk is in my trunk, so I cannot get said jeans up over my thighs.
They’re pricy if you order them direct, but you can find them at TJ Maxx for like $40…and that’s a convenient locale because, if like me you have a hard time getting them on and you wonder how the hell anybody could be so little, you’ll probably be right next to a grocery store where you can buy yourself a case of Diet Coke, some gum, and a bottle of vodka to subsist solely from until you can fit into those damn jeans after all. Not that I’ve ever done that.
Just what my ass DOES NOT need. Pockets that make me look round. Word.
I’ve been shopping a lot lately at You Know All Your Shirts Have Tiny Holes In Them, Don’t You?! VERY hoity-toity!
Dude, is my vagina NOT supposed to smell like tuna? Should I look into that?
I wonder if canned chicken will have the same effect?
Love the Target prayer! Hilarious!
Oh Heather. I will lick you when I see you at Blissdom. You have been warned. That Target prayer made my day and made me choke on my drink. And you’d be gorgeous in a paper bag.
I meant to comment after you posted, but that was the BEST take on the Lord’s Prayer EVER. and I go to church every Sunday (way better than the hubby trying to do a televangelist version in the pew). Total laugh out loud and scare the coworkers when I read that!
Don’t worry about a thing. I’m going to Blissdom and I’m so fat, old, and dowdy, all you have to do to look good is come stand by me.