Since I’ve never attended the BlogHer conference, I’ve been able to read these “What To Wear” blog posts from a place of detachment and superiority.

Look at those women, getting all lathered up over what to wear, and new shoes and shit. Pfft. I’m not one bit jealous of THAT.

I couldn’t give any more thought to the whole “What to wear to BlogHer” drama than above because turning into a green monster and grabbing my boobs takes up A LOT of my time during the month of July. Honestly, you have no idea.

So now that I’m going to BlissDom, I find myself getting caught up in the whole “What To Wear” drama.

I keep hearing about these dresses from some apple orchard.  Crabby Apple or Granny Smith Apple. Something like that, I don’t know. I’m not an online boutique shopper because that just isn’t exclusive enough for me.

For Blissdom, I will be shopping at a very exclusive boutique here in my own town.  It’s called Heather’s Closet.

Heather’s Closet is a pretty cool boutique where you can find a range of fine designer labels such as, When You Were 10 Pounds Lighter and What the Fuck were You Thinking?

Those two lines are the most popular items in this boutique.

I’m trying desperately to drop 7.2 pounds in less than two weeks so that I can select an outfit from the awesome line of When You Were 10 Pounds Lighter. In order to accomplish this Mission Impossible (because I love to set myself up for failure), I’m eating Starkist Sweet and Spicy tuna exclusively.  At only 70 calories and 0.5 grams of fat, that should do the trick, don’t you think?

The only problem is that I’m eating so much tuna that I think it has permeated my skin and I suspect I’m beginning to smell like fish.  Instead of impressing people at BlissDom with my slimmer figure, they’re going to think I have a serious vagina problem.  I’m pretty sure BlissDom execs will bring in a complimentary gynecologist to the conference just to check my Hoo-Haa.

I also heard a rumor there was going to be a pajama party at Blissdom. I haven’t confirmed it yet, so who really knows.  But obviously these people have not heard what kind of pajamas I wear to bed.   I don’t know what to do about that if the rumor is true. Do I show up in a lace-cup nightgown?  No, I probably should just wear a bedsheet and feign confusion.

Oh, I thought this was a Toga party, not Pajama Party.  They sound so much alike!

Then I read that dressy jeans are the way to go for this conference.  I admire dressy jeans, I really do.  I actually lowered my standards and shopped at less exclusive stores than Heather’s Closet for a pair.  But everywhere I looked, these jeans have flat-ass inducing back pockets.

How do you people wear jeans with just a slit in the back for pockets? Let me put it to you like this – I don’t weigh 147.2 lbs because I have a lot of junk in my trunk.  I weigh that much because I’m tall and I have a big head, but no butt.  Slit back pockets = flat ass.  Unless you’re J-Lo, which I’m not.  In fact, I’m J-Lo’s ugly cousin with the flat ass.

So what will I be wearing?

Ugh, I don’t know.  Daytime, I’m dressing like I do every day.  My Levis (with flap back pockets because those make your butt look rounder, yay!) and shirt with ballet flats.

But the cocktail party dress?  I am a lost, lost soul when it comes to dressing up for a party.  Is it still fashionable to wear knee boots with a skirt? I don’t know these thngs.

The fact that there are TWO parties, meaning I need TWO cocktail outfits, well, that’s enough to make me sign a pact with the Devil just to find a dress I look good in.  I’m so confused and misguided that I ask that you pray with and for me…

Our Father, that art in Target.
Missimo be thy name.
Thy sale paper come, shopping will be done
On plastic, as it is in bad economies.

Give us this day our skinny dress
And forgive us our 10 pounds
As we forgive those who lost 10 pounds against us.

Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from Choxie evil
For Target is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and forever.

Amen.

This post is probably why I don’t get any sponsors for conferences, isn’t it?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 at 6:30 am and is filed under Materialistic Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.