No gynecologist will be needed, thank you
Posted by Heather in All About Me, Materialistic MeBlissDom attendees will be overjoyed to know I’ve given up my Sweet & Spicy Tuna diet.
Quite frankly, even my readers not going to BlissDom should be glad I’ve given up the tuna because, I swear to god, if I ate anymore of it, you’d start to smell fish through my blog.
Why did I give up this 70 calorie/.0.5 grams of fat delicious diet food?
It dawned on me that I read somewhere you should only eat tuna once or twice a week. Something about mercury. Or maybe lead? Hell, I’m not entirely sure anymore. Useless information such as what will or will not kill me has to leave my brain because I have to think up funny shit to say.
Who has room for that kind information and witty humor?
I just know I read something about too much tuna killing you and, let me tell you, between looking skinny at BlissDom for people who aren’t even sexually interested in me (or are you?) or carrying around a few pounds and living another day, I’ll pick the latter.
But I have a Plan B. Zone bars! I love me some Zone bars, especially the chocolate peanut butter ones. It’s like eating a candy bar while losing weight!
Only I can’t find that flavor anywhere. I searched and searched, like, TWO different stores. No one has it. Damn it! Then I realized my favorite flavor has probably been pulled from shelves because of the peanut butter salmonella fiasco.
I thought about going with Plan C, which would be The Special K Diet. But I’m sure there’s e.coli or a flesh-eating virus in those dehydrated strawberries because, surprisingly, those fuckers taste good in milk. And in American, anything that tastes or feels good HAS to be bad for you. It’s in The Constitution.
So it looks as if this whole dieting thing is going to kill me. Fuck high cholesterol or diabetes. Striving for a size 8 is going to do it because of mercury, lead, and salmonella laced dieting products.
To hell with it. I’m just going to be a happy size 10, and accept and love my body for how it is. Besides, a size 10 is NOT fat, especially on a 5′8″ frame.
Even my Wii Fit, evil spawn of Satan that it is with its “eww” sound every god damn time I step on it, had this to say about my weight.
My BMI is 22.32, so I’m right where I’m supposed to be in terms of healthy weight. And yay! I’m rarely ever sick, so it’s right about that too! I should listen to the Wii Fit, for it knows of what it speaks.
So why is it so hard to be happy with my body? I’m not fat. I’m really not. I don’t know why I have such a fucked up body image. I should do some positive affirmations until I’ve transformed my view of my body. Positive affirmations can change everything!
My body is perfect. I love my body. My body is perfect. I love my body. My body is…..wait, what’s this on Fox News?
If Jessica Simpson is fat, maybe I should risk mercury poisoning and death by salmonella, because, duh-am, Fox News ain’t seen nothing if they think she has a muffin top.
Doesn’t that make you want to do something crazy? Like cut the nuts off of every Fox reporter you come across and slow-roast them in a red-wine based sirloin stew with onions, paprika, and parsley, and a side of mashed potatoes?
Gesh, I’m off to find more tuna now.
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Yes, those Zone Perfect Chocolate Peanut Butter bars were pulled due to the Salmonella fiasco. Good to know I have been eating them religiously for the past 6 months!!
God, don’t you wish you really COULD just eat all your problems away? I’d have no problem getting rid of the housing crisis OR the recreational use of steroids. I’d be all, “CHOMP CHOMP MOTHERF’RS!” and then I’d burp and all would be right with the world.
You’re gorgeous. Jessica Simpson just chose some seriously bad pants, and it depresses me that her body’s being debated anywhere. I’d like to start a campaign to yank the word ‘fat’ out of use completely.
OH girl, it was everywhere…Fox, CNN, ABC…*sigh* Just be glad you aren’t trying to raise a girl in this completely screwed up society. She is so not fat. Wearing pants with a belt that looks like absolute crap? Yes. Fat? No. And neither are you so just go and have fun…and leave the tuna fish alone for awhile.
What’s up with that Wii Fit thing? It groans every time someone steps on it. Is it designed to give everyone a complex?
We just got the Wii fit last week…. I was so disheartened when I got on and it totally said ” …. OH.”
But then my 6-year old got on, and it said the same thing, and I was all “What, you tryin to give my girl a complex or something?”
So ya, that balance board needs to be smacked upside the circuitry.
Oy vey, if you’re 5′8″ then that’s my ideal body weight too… Crap! I haven’t weighed that little since shortly after high school when I spent a semester in Costa Rica walking everywhere and eating nothing but rice and beans. Seriously. I was so skinny I looked ill. And even while running cross country in high school I didn’t weigh that little.
I say, enjoy your size 10! (I’m a 12 on a good day!)
Oh, and just get some super sexy high heels. I hear they’re supposed to make you look skinnier…
Yea, too much tuna will poison you. But I’ve come to the conclusion that, these days, too much of anything will poison you. The only hope is to mix it up. Eat a little bit of everything (and lots and lots of fiber… that’s my approach anyway). And stop worrying about your skinny size 10 ass. How can you be the queen of shake shake if you’ve got nothing to shake?
No gynecologists needed at #Blissdom, thank you. http://tinyurl.com/d34ub7
Oh, you are back at it,girl. Your posts since the new year have been hilarious. You got it goin’ on again. I think I love you with stress and strife and dilemmas and what-nots, b/c it brings out the best in you. I love “Jessica Simpson FAT? They think that’s a muffin top????” Fantastic. Seems like when it’s smooth sailing, your best just isn’t tapped.
Hmmm…if JS wasn’t wearing those dumb high waisted pants in the photo, she WOULD have a muffin top. Instead of focusing on her muffin top, those pants are accentuating her belly pouch! We all have them unless we’re thirteen year old girls whose bodies haven’t developed yet!!! Argh. It’s totally no wonder we’re all body conscious when how are bodies naturally are is ridiculed and mocked all the time.
Krista is a smart chick. Listen to her up there.
You don’t have an ounce of fat that I could see. Your best bet it to toss the scale. If you look good, which you totally do, then who cares what the number is? Same with clothing sizes. It’s annoying, I know!, but ignore it. I never ever would have said you were a 10. You look smaller than that to me.
Wii Fot sounds like a real smart-ass. I was thinking of getting one but maybe I don’t need that in my life.
I’ve wanted all fox reporters de-nutted long before this, but I’ll add your reason to my list. Good stuff, H ~Rick
I’m still wearing a mumu.
I pretty sure I didn’t eat anything BUT tuna during my high school years – I’m surprised I didn’t grow scales. (please join me in saying “Bite me, Wii lady, with your judgemental eww!”
You look great.
DArn, just when I wanted to apply for a job. But keep it up, as long as you are the one wanting to change.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/01/five-star-friday-edition-39.html
Jessica Simpson is NOT fat and the only reason that anyone is paying any attention to her is because of how SKINNY she’s been. if you look back at pictures of her when she was going through her divorce, she was painfully skinny. and then got a little healthier and then recently put on about 20 pounds. i think she looks great! she’s totally not fat at all…but i think it’s because there was such a DIFFERENCE…also, you have to remember who much in the public eye she is.
also…stop eating raw fish…do you want to go the way of Jeremy Piven?!?!? hahah!
AMEN AMEN AMEN. Why is it, in this day and age, all of us intelligent, enlightened women let any form of media tell us we are not good enough? I am 5′2″ and probably 150lbs. But I don’t weigh myself anymore so I don’t know for sure. My theory is, if you don’t like the way I look, don’t look at me. My husband loves me the way I am, and I am healthy. That’s what counts!!!
There is a reason all those rich beautiful model are so wretched and miserable… They want a fucking piece of chocolate cake!
I am glad you stopped eating the tuna too. I remember something about limiting tuna intake for our kids because of mercury, but couldn’t quote it so…
Missy
i heard that about Jessica Simpson, and a lot of media outlets are ‘defending’ her, for once.
not that she needs it. hey they may be crazy but they can’t make us crazy too!
Dammit. This post has made me hungry.
But no tuna for me, I am allergic to it. But apparently you lose 28grams as soon as you die… so there is always that.
*sniff sniff* What’s that smell?
New reader here! Saw your smart ass comment on another blog and had to come see more. And this is what I get? Smelly tuna?
I’m going to have to look for those Plan B bars, they sound yummy. And I’m with ya on the size 10. Size 10 on a tall body is awesome (I’m 5′9″). I’m squeezing into a size 12 right now and starving myself. WTH is going on? Evidently, I need to eat more tuna.
We watched an awesome French movie last night – “Love is in the Air” – get it out, read the subtitles and laugh hilariously at his special diet recommendations.
I murdered my Wii when it started laughing at me everytime I weighed myself.
Last night I had left over carnival cotton candy for dinner (yes, I’m gagging at the thought of it now…you know how that goes). Screw the Wii fit! Buy the American Idol game.
I’m curious, how did you come up with your blog name?
Take the advice of your Wii-fit. It will never lie to you. Fox news reporters will and yes your recipe for them sounds wonderful. Nobody likes Jessica Simpson anyway.
I think you’re right about the tuna thing. If you eat that much, your blog will smell like it. Sniff, sniff….I think it already does! LOL Just kidding, the mercury thing is true. Be careful.
Best advise I can give, even though you didn’t ask for it, enjoy food, enjoy drink and enjoy life. Happiness is the best diet out there!
She does have a muffin top. She’s just trying to conceal it under that big belt, which just makes it more noticeable. You seem to have gotten the ‘bad’ pictures. I don’t really care how much she weighs. I just think that she’s lying when she says that she’s not worried about her weight anymore. I’ll give her a few more weeks, then she’ll be trying to lose the pounds.
Love this post and I love Jessica Simpson but she did pick a horrible outfit! Sucks that they diss her like that though! Cause your right if she is fat man I do not want to know what they would say about me!!! Your blog is fun to read!
[...] wait. I was the asshole last [...]