Now that we have romance out of the way, can we talk dirty? I’m afraid I wasn’t crass enough in yesterday’s post, and since the term “refinement” has never applied to me, that shouldn’t be too hard to correct.
I learned that Wally and I aren’t unromantic. We do do the romantic things for each other that keep us emotionally connected. And we do them without really thinking about it, so that’s wonderful and great, yay! we’re so in tune with one another.
But in my previous post, I meant to allude to the type of romantic gestures that lead to hanky panky. Apparently indirect hinting is not my organic voice, which by the way, “organic” was THE word at Blissdom. It’s fitting because the first four letters in organic apply to this discussion.
To put it bluntly, I’m no longer sure what romantic gestures can lead to s e x. What gets my engine running? What makes me want to rip off my husband’s clothes?
I turned 35 four days ago, and apparently that’s some magic s e x number for women, so I’m sitting here, waiting for that to kick in.
Don’t get me wrong and view this as a complaint of boring s e x. It’s more of a confusion than complaint. On the one hand, things (and by things, you know what I’m talking about, but I’d prefer google pervs to not know what I’m talking about.) are better than ever. We don’t have to keep up those silly pretenses that couples keep early in their s e x u a l relationship. We have that security and comfort with each other that lets you do whatever.
On the other hand, what the hell is four play anymore?
(yes, I know how to correctly spell 4 play, but I’m using Jedi mind tricks on the google pervs, so bear with me.)
THAT is what I really wanted to talk about yesterday. Four play.
My girlfriends and I have talked about the ridiculous attempts our husbands make in the name of four play, such as grabbing our boobs while the kids are three feet away. I guess this is supposed to add a naughty, let’s not get caught! aspect, but it’s just fucking sick.
And maybe the grabbing our boobs out of no where while we’re cooking is supposed to….shit, I don’t know what that’s supposed to do. It’s irritating as hell because I’m busy with something I can’t exactly stop doing. It’s hot to distract me so that I either burn dinner or myself? Um, no.
Our kids aren’t that little anymore, so I can’t say it’s that, though I do think kids put a damper on these things in general.
As with the old adage of birds of a feather, my girlfriends and I have good (or great, depending on the day) husbands who want to know how to get our engines running since their terrible attempts at jump starting no longer work. They aren’t selfish bastards, after all.
I don’t know what to tell Wally, and I know I’m not alone in this since my two other girlfriends feel the same way.
It’s like I’m in this limbo land where the things that did it for me in my twenties and before kids are now comical, ridiculous, and mostly a turn OFF. And those stupid movies that rhyme with corn? Please. They aren’t made with women in mind.
What is four play after you’ve been together so long and are approaching middle age?
Or does four play fall by the wayside the older you get?
If so, it may not necessarily be a bad thing because time is money and I have a blog to write. Though since I make no money off of my blog, I’m not sure how that applies, except to say I’m a blog slut who gives it out for free and uses it as procrastination tool to not write my book.
So internet girlfriends, can we discuss this four play thing?
(And my male readers are welcome to chime in too, though feel free to read only and use this as a learning experience for yourself.)
I should also add people can feel free to comment anonymously since this is a sensitive topic for some.
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I am so NOT a boob girl. If he wants to get me in the buff, then he better leave the girls alone. Rub my shoulders, massage my feet, tickle my back, but LAY OFF my boobs. ESPECIALLY when I’m preggo. If he comes within inches of my bosom during those nine months, then he better expect a swift smack across his face. And if the positioning is right, I’ll knee him right where it counts.
Oh, I guess this was supposed to be a romantic post about foreplay and all that crap. Whatever, I’m lame. Just tell me you want to ‘do it’ and make sure it’s not after I’m already half asleep. That’s not so hard, is it?
I think the non sexual touching is a huge turn on. I mean, when your dry humping my ass and trying to tweak my nipples all day, it just gets annoying. I just want him to be sweet and want something more from me than sex and then I get turned on. I need to be the aggressor sometimes instead of just the prey. Sometimes I feel like I just run around the house avoiding his hands.
4 play. hmm…
actually, i’m about to turn 40 in march. when i turned 36 is when s e x appetite became intense…by the way.
my hubby does the same boob thing and butt thing to me. all it does, when i’m doing the pots and pans…is make soapy water go down my sleeves. i hate that. it’s NOT 4 play.
but i let him. because that’s the kind of girl i am.
things are starting to spice up a bit at my house though. i started a new website for adult toys. and i’ve NEVER used them before…gasp. but…things are changing here. and my husband is ALWAYS turned on because of that.
so…that’s good. i think.
For me its intimacy, not gymnastics. I need to be relaxed, so a back rub, kisses, touching. I agree that what used to be impressive, now just seems silly, and I don’t really need any fancy tricks either. I am less about the romance of it all, and more about the bang. Lets just get each other off, and be reasonably quick about it, we are not teenagers, I can’t go for hours or I will just start thinking of the long list of things to do. ; )
Yeah, the boob thing….CB started doing that a few times while I was cooking or washing dishes and I found it anti-sexy. All I could think was “Is this what turns you on? Watching me do housework?” Plus my boobs have been sort of sore lately so I don’t want them pinched.
I think the whole backrub or kissing parts of my body (not the obvious ones aka boob netherbits) like my shoulders or back are a turn on. Basically paying attnetion to all of me, not just the parts that every guy feels compelled to pinch or lick.
Well I don’t know about you ladies but I am all about the kissing. Not the rushed kiss to get to the prize, but the nice gentle kissing.
My husband forgets that part.
If I know my husband it just kissing me with no expectations, then I am will to do whatever he wants!
Well, frankly, the only thing that really gets me started any more is either knowing that the hubster is aroused (preferably via tactile indication of this although visual through clothes works fairly well too).
Ironic that now all our 4p is for him now, because once he’s up, my parts respond appropriately.
I also need to be emotionally distraction-free. So, no huge tasks hanging over my head, no recent spats that remain unresolved/unapologized, no recent chats about how we are going to have a tough time paying our bills this month, etc.
Not very romantic, I know, but frankly the longer we’ve been married, the act has been more about release and about doing something together besides watching tv. So sue me. I still get off.
I guarantee that if Gray paid for every bill, and kept them all out of my sight, so I had no concept of my debt or obligations? I’d be a fucking sex maniac.
I married my husband when we were 35. I don’t think he had gotten much sex from his first drunken wife so he is always ready now. Even at 50 yrs old, it’s like all I have to do is look at him and it’s like Viva Viagra! Frankly it takes more for me to reach the starting gate. Menopause for me took more away than just my period. I ain’t dead but he has his work cut out if I’m going to be participating. It really surprises me when I get excited as I think I have dead batteries and then whoosh, they recharge!
What makes me want to do it? I like to be asked. If he says to me something like “I love you so much or I want you so much” and gives me the look that says he thinks I’m the most sexy beautiful woman on earth and it melts me and makes me all gooey inside, then he can touch me. Sometimes we just cuddle and kiss and that’s all that was expected, more often than not, I get turned on and we do more. It really does shock me when I get excited as I think I could just not have sex again and be ok. (BTW he knows how I feel, thats its hormonal and not that I don’t love and desire him. He understands and takes his job of pleasuring me seriously)
My first husband didn’t understand what turned a woman on, he figured if we kissed, it was time for sex, so kissing was only for the bedroom. I’m not trying to make a sterotype or be unPC here, just a joke. He was jewish and you know what jewish 4play is? 4 hours of begging.
Hi. I’m just reading comments because I’m curious. We don’t have this issue and I really really hope we never do. (Is that asking too much?) It just doesn’t take much for me cause I want him BAD, you know? Most of the time too. I feel like a freak so I’m signing off now.
I turn 35 this year. My boobs are grabbed while cooking, while getting dressed, while checking my email, while peeing, while brushing my teeth and when sleeping. It does not work in getting me riled up. Soo…I am going to read all of the comments to try and get some ideas, because, frankly, we are in need of some good foreplay tactics.
Wine.
I think parenting makes women feel less like who they used to be than it does men. It requires more from us. Attention-wise, body-wise, sacrifice-wise. I think everything we used to want for ourselves gets lost and it’s hard to know WHAT THIS BODY/PERSON WANTS…mainly because we’re not really sure who we are anymore. How can we know what turns us on? We don’t even know what we feel like eating. Or doing if we ever got a few freaking hours to ourselves where someone isn’t asking or whining or humping us. For the love of God…make it stop! That person I used to be when most of my life was still in front of me? She knew what turned her on. And somewhere along the way I forgot how to think like her. Guys don’t change because they really don’t have to. We do. And it costs us.
I am 36. Totally at the prime thingy.
But I have two teen girls, 17 and 15, in bedrooms across the hall.
I really REALLY didn’t plan that well. DAMMIT.
I’m about to turn 36 and I’m still waiting for the whole prime thing to kick in!
It’s the non- s e x things that turn me on. Grabbing my boobs, nope. Dry humping, nope. Whining about not getting enough, BIG NOPE.
Now, bring home yummy take out for dinner, get the kids ready for bed and pour me a glass of wine. Oh, yeah. Better chance I’ll be waiting in bed wearing non-mommy pjs with candles lit.
I couldn’t possibly tell my secrets to keeping me happy in the you-know-where-room, I charge for that info.
However, I will say-sex wasn’t challenged by kids until VERY recently. When they became VERY aware of ‘what that sound was’. I would say, lean into it all that you can while silly veils of lies can cover up for whatever you may get caught doing. The time is around the bend, where your sex drive is full throttle and must be contained to a secret service kind of act when NOBODY can know where you are and WHAT you are doing. And that? Is the biggest damper I have yet to experience.
More fun when the kids are grown and you have the house to yourself.
4 play…what’s that? For me it more like “hurry up, my show is coming on in 5 minutes” We actually have to make appointments on the calendar. How romantic is that?
4 play? Huh? I’m not familiar with the term. HA!
I agree w/ Sarah (In the Trenches), WINE or really any alcohol. It’s the ONLY thing that works.
Boob grabbing in front of the kids IS sick. I should forward Tate this post.
Hate the boob grabbing, Hate the slapping on the ass (really really hate that one), Hate the unexpected tongue in my mouth – don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place for tongue, I’m not anti-tongue, but at my mother-in-law’s house? Nope, there will be no tongue.
Oh that’s right, I’m supposed to list things that DO work…
I’ll get back to you.
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The fourplay thing is kinda like almond joy & mounds… Sometimes I feel like it, sometimes I don’t.
It’s possible this post won’t count, because I’m single and haven’t had s e x in…. a very, very, very long time. But I KNOW what would turn me on, and it’s less 4 play than attitude adjustment: some absolute nurturing. Things done FOR me, because I’m doing stuff for everyone else all of the time. I know, ideally, I would be carving out the time for self-nurturing and not relying on anyone else. But if there *were* someone else? You can bet I’d be relying on them! Things I’d like: a call in the middle of the day, “Don’t worry about dinner, I’ve got it”, “I’ll take the boys to the park for a while, you can do whatever you want – but there’s bubble bath in the bathroom”. Etc., etc. Things that could help me have some energy left at the end of the day. {sigh}
BTW, it was 38 for me, 38 and 39 were the years that I was eyeing the muscular new grocery store clerk, thinking things like, “Half my age isn’t that bad! He’s legal!”
This whole past year I’ve been trying to figure this out. I read the 5 love languages book, which talks a lot about relationships once they get out of that ‘in love’, codependant stage (lol) and head into ‘omg, we’ve got bills, kids, responsibilities, and you f’ing suck…’ stage. it’s a pretty brillz book, and once I told hubby that I needed verbal affirmations it was game ON over here.
He used to pick apart everything that needed to be done, but wasn’t. Now, he looks around, takes a deep breath, and says, “You have to many other important things to do than waste your time cleaning up the kitchen 5 times a day.” Those are magic words, right there. “You’re doing too good a job being an awesome mom to waste your time organizing the pantry…” and I totally want in his pants. lol.
(I’m going anon because the hubs really hates when I discuss sex online! BTDT)
I’m 42 and don’t recall any major sex thing at 35, although that is when I got married so maybe…. With a kindergartener in the house, I am just tense about being interrupted (and aware that I always get up first, get less sleep, etc), so the faster I can finish, the better, and get to sleep. Fore what? If there is time, and I’m not tired, and he’s not too obnoxious that night, then a neck rub would be nice, but mostly to relieve that tension I mostly feel. There’s just not real relaxing going on in me, I am finding. Maybe a hot tub?? Too bad we don’t have one!
What makes me feel close, and therefore more drawn to him, is having a real conversation about my feelings at the moment, whatever they are, no interruptions, no secrets, with or without tears. I may not want sex at that very moment but the intimacy it brings makes me feel closer. So I’m more interested later. I think the longer you are together, the more you can build walls without realizing it, having separate lives for the most of the days, and not being connected. I guess that is the work part of marriage! Coming together in little ways, emotionally. Hopefully that would lead to sexually, too.
for starters, my husband is looking forward to when i stop nursing so i can have a margarita.
other than that, not only is there no 4play, there’s really no bang, either.
and that hasn’t been a big change since our daughter was born 7 months ago. chalk it up to us being together for 15 years (married 6).
he was a virgin; and i’ve only been with virgins. so i guess the bedroom is not very exciting over here.
doesn’t help that i have wretched self-esteem. the c-section belly flap isn’t working for me much. and i don’t get a lot of help from him. he says he’s just letting me work out my issues.
he should know that they’d be worked out faster if i had any real compliment or sweet touch. though now that i think about it, any of this inappropriate touching as described would work, too.
Oh there should be a public service announcement in a few men’s magazines about the whole boob grab while cooking thing.
V doesn’t do that (that much) any more – mainly because I gave him a few “you are in with a chance most nights, don’t stuff up tonight while I am on Mummy watch” looks (and possibly verbalised the same).
Doing the folding while I am cooking tea? Gorgeous. Washing up and getting the kitchen spic. Thrilling. Whispering how sexy I am. Hot.
LOL, when I showed dh this post and comments, cause he’s CONSTANTLY (tormenting) grabbing, humping and/or leaning on me (…which he reminds me I should be happy that he’s still so attracted to me…tee hee…which deep down I am…) so when I showed him the post he says, “and you women wonder why at 40 we want to trade you in for two twenties….” it’s the *lean* into the kitchen counter while grabbing that bugs me most…