Where there’s smoke, there’s Heather’s brain at work.
Posted by Heather in A Bunch of NothingI’m a hot, jumbly mess of single-cell capacity at the moment. There’s been…stuff going on. I now understand why celebrities have people who twitter and write their blogs for them. Who has time for this stuff when you have a celebrity lifestyle to live? Obviously not I.
Hot mess #1 – I’ve lost my writing mojo, thus the numerical post today. But hey! I’m happy to have enough of my mojo back to be able to blog even this sorry excuse for writing. It’s been over a week of deadness in my brain, which actually has been kinda nice, but I have a deadline I’m behind on and ENOUGH OF THIS BLOCKED SHIT. So I’m offering a $250 reward if you find my mojo, though don’t bother looking in the bottom of a fifth of vodka because I already checked and it’s not there.
Hot mess #2 – My fat pants are getting too tight. I don’t know how my clothes could be so insensitive.
Hot mess #3 – I have something to tell you about my boobs. Please begin preparing your shrine and gathering up over 400 people to comment about my tatas. They really are the best post-pregnancy and breastfeeding boobs without plastic surgery that I’ve ever seen.
Hot mess #4 – I’m also working on a 2nd vlog and it’s going to be different than the first. But I’m forced to wait at least a week to record it because I have pre-menstrual bloating going on this week and, my god, my face is too damn puffy. I have an ego to stroke, you know. And now I just forgot the other witty thing I was going to say about my 2nd vlog because I’ve spent the morning having mimosas and goat cheese salad with a girlfriend. Man, I hate it when my tipsy brain works faster than my numb fingers can type!
Ok, that’s it for now. I’m off to thoroughly enjoy my very boring life as a wife and mother stuck in the suburbs. My GOD, HOW I FUCKING APPRECIATE MY BORING LIFE.
Oh, and I also have to prepare for a trip to New Orleans tomorrow. And wow, did I mention the fun I had with my mimosas and awesome salad girlfriend brunch today? So awesome to shoot the shit about pubic hair removal, what I should plant in my backyard garden, and whether I would be a different person had I spent a year living in France as a young adult.
I guess my life isn’t that boring after all. I may not be going to France, but shit if my family doesn’t have a clean kitchen to come home to. And for that? I am so damn thankful.
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I vouch for the awesomeness of your tatas.
Ok, you just reminded me that I’ve gotta read you more often.
You can add another comment about your boobs to the list, they are fantastc!
ps. i just love reading your blog!
you are so freakin funny.
You can add another comment about your boobs to the list, they are fantastic!
ps. i just love reading your blog!
you are so freakin funny.
I love boobs! I’m pretty sure I’m straight at this point but Hey! Boobs? They are AWESOME!
OK, not to be all gramatically correct, but is that the plural for labia? Labias? Or is it like moose? The plural not your labia, but that would be something.
And I say to heck with the old guy – if you have labia issues then spill.
No. No labia issues. No discussion. Because then I will be forced to obsess over whether mine are “normal” or not, and nothing good comes of me obsessing over things I can’t change. This is why I don’t watch porn anymore, by the way, I spend time analyzing their junk and whether it looks like my junk and if there’s anything I can or should do to make my junk look more like theirs, and…just no. No labia discussion.
Okay, go ahead with the labia discussion. I can take it. Maybe. If I don’t come back and comment, it just means I’m Googling “labia” to make sure mine are okay.
Boobs, as a whole, are awesome. Mine hang out in the boring suburbs, too, where they’re happy and waiting for a warm day to go out and drink some wine on the deck.
I’m pretty sure I saw your mojo in the laundry basket. Sometimes they get folded in with the towels if you’re not careful. It’s win/win because you wrote a great post without, and also now it smells spring-time fresh.
I’m just jealous that your husband comments on your blog.
Except, on second thought, my husband would probably only comment when he’s pissed about the post, so never mind!
OMG, I just posted about your labia too! We’re so in sync!
Just put a labial disclaimer on top of the post. Then your elderly gentleman reader continues at his own horny risk.
I drove through your neck of the woods Sunday around 3:30 pm. Did you hear me blowing my horn? I am in the NO area. But alas I am slaving away at my job. No time for fun until the weekend. “pouting”
If you still have perky boobs after birthing and breastfeeding two babies I will officially hate you forever (but I’ll still read your blog).
I am so glad you’re back! I was going through Queen of shake shake withdrawals and checking your blog every 5 minutes to see if you’ve posted. I know, internet blogger stalker. But 5 days is just too long to go without your awesome postings!
What are you doing in New Orleans?
And only in the South would you find men named Elmo. I bought my freezer from a dude named Elmo and he wasn’t even red. Bummer!
Why not name your labia to give each one a personal touch. Like “Lily” and “Rose” then there won’t be any confusion to which one is left and which one is right. Imagine how much your hubby will enjoy having a 3some all the time!!!
FYI on hair removal in the Honey Box region: My Vietnamese waxer lady loves to remind me during bikini wax time, “Remember Scandy, let’s not do Brazilian, cuz once you turn tirty-fye (35), dat not pretty down dere no more”.
She’s seen LOADS of honey boxes, so I’m thinking she’s an expert.
Oh how I love you. So funny. You may have great post pregnancy/breastfeeding boobs, but mine are better!
And Wally You better appreciate your wifes tatas
I am sure that your boobs and labia (singular or plural) are magnificent. Come run off with me, we’ll live for a year in France.
Yes, write about them. Just having a million photos available on the internets is not enough (especially if they aren’t yours) it would be nice to get some inside information from a real person.
Holy hair removal and all that fanny (funny) stuff! If we were all the same, wouldn’t that make us Stepford wives? or something like that?
Anyway, thanks for the funnies, luv ya!
my tatas are not perky-they didn’t survive the breast feeding years too well.
Can’t wait to see your next vlog!
so, you just mentioned your labia & tatas in this post….as teasers????
you tease.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. “Vulva” is one of my very favorite words and I use it ALL the time. It’s right up there with “moist” and “creamy.”
I’m going to have a t-shirt made that says “MOIST CREAMY VULVA” and wear it the next time I see you. I hope they don’t misprint it, though, to say “MOST CREAMY VULVA” instead, because then people might think it’s some kind of challenge and I’m not sure I could win a Most Creamy Vulva contest.
Or maybe I could.
@ Marinka – Wow! That’s such a coincidence, ’cause I was just *thinking* about her labia!
Is that creepy?
the only comment i ever get from my husband regarding my blog is…”AGAIN?”
did you get your labia pierced?? because that would be kinda gross….no offense to those of you who have done that…
And now I’m cracking up, ’cause I clicked Marinka’s name, and her post has a picture of huge pink ruffles.
It’s all tits and ass here today! LOL! Love it.
That whole wet nurse blog was a freaking mess. I couldn’t breastfeed someone’s baby I just met, no matter how engorged my tits were..but to each his own. Your tits..your perogerotive.
Glad your back!
Uvula is the best non-sexual word that sounds like a sexual word. Vulva reminds me of Volvo, which means I chortle every time I’m on the freeway.
i think your mojo is back.
The plural of labia is labia. Latin declination at work in the modern era.
Labia is already plural. The question you should be asking is “what is the singular of labia?”. The answer is labium – the latin for lip, labia being the latin for lips.
The singular of labia is labium. The plural of vulva is vulvae.