As you probably know, I volunteer in Parker’s kindergarten class every week.  I know it may seem as if I’m a good person out doing good deeds in the world, but in reality, I have a lot of evil shit to make up for from my twenties.

I miss the days when you could do evil shit and get away with it. Like how my grandparents could smoke all the time without people and packaging screaming at them how terrible it is for them.  Coincidentally (or probably not), since no one screamed at them how sick it would make them, it never did and they got to have their nicotine cake and eat it too.

But nowadays, you have to atone for evil shit.

Like the time I co-conspired with some co-workers to hide the controller’s glasses while he was gone on his honeymoon. Apparently he didn’t need them on his honeymoon, but they were a do-or-die necessity for him to count beans. I don’t why he needed them at work and not at home. I don’t speak Asshole, so I never understood how his mind worked.

But we laughed and laughed as he shit a gold monkey when he couldn’t find them.

OR I could need to atone for hiding the toilet paper from one of my co-workers and disconnecting her phone handset so that it would ring, but when she picked it up, it wouldn’t work.  I was a technological genius ahead of my time.

But I actually liked her and those pranks are what we did to keep ourselves mentally challenged. So I don’t think that should be counted against me. Besides, she got me back.

Now that I’m a fake Catholic, I’m sure it’s a mortal sin that I’m sitting here laughing my ass off again over the pranks I pulled on that gigantic asshole of a bean counter instead of being contrite and sorrowful.  Hold on while I go say a few Hell Marys and slaughter a sacrificial stuffed animal from Mardi Gras.

Ok, I’m back.

I think it’s safe to say this: Don’t screw me out of a raise or you’ll face my wrath of immaturity. And I have dues to pay. Obviously.

So every week, I go in to the kindergarten class and do things like boss other people’s kids around.  I have to tell you, I kinda like the power trip. And how they cry when they can’t find the toilet paper.

I put together a lot of books for the teacher to use in class.  I’m such a prodigy at folding and stapling those that the teacher is always impressed with how quickly I do it and gives me a smiley face stamp on my hand.  And to think I worried my college degree went to waste!

Even though I have a set day I go in every week, a few weeks ago, Wally planned to surprise me by taking the afternoon off, completely forgetting that was the one day I’m on work release and actually get out of the house.  When he found out that morning I wouldn’t be here, he had to ruin the surprise and tell me.

Marriage is about give and take, so, of course, I walked in with Parker that morning and explained it to the teacher…

“Mrs. Teacher, Wally, bless his sweet heart, had planned to surprise me by taking the afternoon off and completely forgot today is the day I help you in the classroom.”

“Oh gosh, how sweet!  You just forget all about coming in and have a good time with Wally.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! Go have fun!”

“OK!”

Wow, I thought, that was easy

Then, as I climbed into my Mom Mobile, I realized I just indirectly admitted to a grandmother-aged kindergarten teacher that I’m blowing off my volunteer work so I can have a nooner.

I’m going straight to hell.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 3rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm and is filed under I Couldn't Make This Shit Up, School is for dummies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.