So here’s the thing. I’ve been practicing the new religion of Wii Fit for over 90 days now and haven’t lost a single pound. Not a one.
Here’s why:
#1 I refuse to follow any diet that excludes alcohol. Into each of our lives a little perversion must fall, but this kind of extreme sadistic perversion is where I draw the line.
#2 I use weekend food such as nachos and pizza as my reward for making it through another week. Look! Another week and I didn’t list the kids on Craigslist! I resisted the temptation to run away! And I didn’t hurt anyone at the post office! Let’s celebrate!
#3 I like mayo on my sandwiches. Oh, I also like bread. Obviously.
#4 Damn, I have a life. I don’t have time to exercise every single day, and quite frankly, I’m beginning to wonder about women who do. Who has time for workouts when there are cookies to bake?!
I swear God gave me the ability to make terrific cookies just to make me depressed. It’s the one thing I really excel at and IT MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT.
And if that isn’t proof enough that God’s divine plan is for me is to carry around this inner tube of belly/hip fat, there’s the strange coincidence that my Wal-Mart is frequently out of Ex-lax chocolates.
Hello, God, it’s me, Heather. I know Margaret wrote an entire book of pre-teen shit to you about her period, but has anyone written to you about the early middle-age woman’s problem with post-ovulatory constipation?
There’s also the fact that my children love popcorn as an after-school snack. Popcorn is a weakness of mine. I can’t resist it. Just like my cookies. And Friday night pizza/nachos. And alcohol, chocolate covered cherries, fudge, cake, pasta, mayo, chicken salad…
Maybe this new Divine Plan of flab has a higher purpose for me. I’m not about a punishing God, so there must be something positive and enlightening and FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
For all I know it’s God’s way of keeping me faithful to my husband. Look at it this way, when I’m in a size 8, I attract all kinds of cat-calls, whistles, and attention from skanky construction workers. Could you imagine what would happen if I ever got back down to a size six?
Clearly God wants me to keep these ten pounds (possibly 15, depending on the availability, or lack thereof, of chocolate Ex-lax) to keep Daniel Craig from falling in love with me after a torrid love affair we have while he’s shooting a movie here in my town.
Because that’s all that’s standing between me and Daniel Craig – ten pounds of weight and inner thighs that rub together.
Oh, let’s get real. To hell with that Divine Plan shit. I tried on my capri pants the other week and only ONE pair fit. What would Daniel Craig say to that?
So I started the 30 Day Shred routine today. In fact, I *just* finished my first routine and, holy crap, I can barely type. It’s feels kind of the same as when I drunk blog, only I’m not drunk. Instead, I believe my arms are about to fall off. And I didn’t even use weights!
Before I started the Shred, I thought I would be SO above all the other bloggers who started it and then moaned and whined about how sore they were. After all, I’ve been doing Wii Fit since New Years. Clearly I would sail through level one without a single modification.
Ha ha! God has a sense of humor after all! Because I had to modify the modifications.
During the cardio segments, I began to wonder if I had asthma.
Dear reader, if you don’t hear from me for the rest of the week, know it’s because my body has turned into a puddle of soft, warm pudding on my den floor.
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I just bought the Jillian Michael game for the Wii but now I’m afraid to try it…
I’m afraid to get back on the wii because it will be SNARKY with me and tell me how fat and clumsy I am… And Also? I haven’t been on it since before Thanksgiving… so you can imagine the terrible things it will say to me!
But I’m getting married in 3 months… and my dress is in… and I REALLY want nice arms…
AHHH!
Kudos to you. I got Wii fit for Christmas and I have been on it once. ONCE. I am too exhausted/drunk/lazy to even turn the GD thing on. The one time I tried to do it, both my kids hotlapped me, making me a nervous wreck and threw me into the most outrageous curse fest since George Carlin.
I’ve resigned myself to a life of flabby saggy thighs to keep me faithful too.
I ordered the Shred video too. It’s been in the shrink wrap in my closet for 2 months. It’s not working! I haven’t even been sore.
I may have to open it after all. But I’m scared.
Maybe you should leave the laptop on the floor nearby, so when you fall over you can keep blogging.
Katy- I heard that the Jillian Michaels thing for the Wii is really bad. So don’t get it
Heather – I’ve been doing the Shred for about 3 weeks now. Holy shit, I feel your pain. Literally. I’ve done mostly level 1, thrown in level 2 a couple of times, and tried level 3 once. I want to die every time I do them. The only consolation is that they’re only 20 minutes (25 actually I think). And I don’t do it every single day. I try, but sometimes my body just says hell no.
But the problem for me is that exercise makes me HUNGRY!!! Especially the “I-want-to-die” kind of exercise Jillian does. My pants are actually fitting TIGHTER. But I’m attributing that to gaining more muscle and not losing fat just yet. Hopefully.
Jillian Michaels scares me. And, I’m attracted to her. Following the Freudian spirals on that is enough exercise for me.
I just wanted to point out, you said, “I swear God gave me the ability to make terrific cookies just to make me depressed. It’s the one fucking thing I really excel at and IT MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT.”
Um – making cookies does not make you gain weight. It’s eating them that does that. If you were to make them, then not have them around… say, by sending them overnight to a blog reader…. there’d be no problem!
I don’t remember a time when my thighs did not touch each other. I imagine it might freak me out and lose my balance in some way.
I just bought a balance ball exercise ball thingamagig, and I’ve been using it for sitting crosslegged on while I watch TV. I’m pretty sure it would help if I stopped eating chocolate and drinking bloody mary’s while doing it.
I recently learned NOT to do sit on the balance ball post-bloody mary. Mistake!
mmmmmmm pudding
I have the 30 day shred AND the wii game. BOTH are killers. How the hell did she do that? And why is she trying to kill me?
(Also, I feel you on the NO ALCOHOL, that’s where I draw the line too)
If we don’t hear from you it will more likely be because you won’t be able to lift your arms up to the keyboard….try a little vodka for that. Usually works.
This makes me glad that we’ve avoided getting a Wii so far. I find it fairly funny that the same device that brought us “Rabbid Rabbits” agrees with my Southern Baptist parents about the alcohol issue.
I totally understand! I am doing the Shred and my gosh, it is a killer. After about 4 days though it seems like your legs just go numb and can make it through. It does work though. I lost 2.75 inches in a week by doing it. Now, if I could just get off my butt and do it everyday. Ha! Good luck!
Mmmmmmmm…you said pudding!
Damn it! I typed that…went back to read the comments and some HILARIOUS chick had already beat me to the punch! Fuck!
ps…Jillian Michaels is the devil.
Shredding sounds like pure hell. I really ought to try it though, since none of my summer clothes fit. And last year I had an infant as an excuse. No I just have the fact that I am a pig. Not nearly as good.
I just finished day 5 of the Shred and I swear I’m getting a little more toned and I’m less dead. So that’s good, right?
I got through day 5 and quit.
Yesterday I went and bought bigger pants.
I refuse to believe there is a connection.
Well, thanks. Because my insane idea of maybe possibly taking part in this whole 30 day Shred thing… has now been replaced with NO WAY. So your pain and efforts have saved me God only knows how much pain and discouragement on this end!!! What the hell was I thinking????
you can do it!!!!!!!! yaya!!!!! don’t stop and keep it up…. i haven’t even gotten to level 3 yet, cause i’m taking my sweet ass time with level 2… and i like it- i don’t want to finish it and be like, “well now what???”
i started to feel THICKER at one point, but that went away.
Mmmm….pudding….
Anything that is defined as ‘shredding’ terrifies me. Papper shredders? Scary as hell. Shredding carrots? First, explain to me what a carrot is. Shredding parts of my body? Crazy scary!
Not scary? Pudding. And cookies. Cookies, by definition, are not scary. Sadly, pudding and cookies feel the same way about me and my thighs.
I made it to day 5 and then took 2 weeks off as a reward and now I’m scared to start again. Damn Jillian and her evil videos.
So, is this the time to admit that I ordered the 30 Day Shred from Netflix to check it out and never even put it in the DVD player before sending it back? No? Well nevermind.
Oh, and good luck!
Did the 30 day shred DVD twice. Passed it on to a friend. Told her YOU enjoy cursing the TV for now. I’ll stick to the gym!
The Shred will kill you.
and I love it.
I will be resumign it once I return from LA.
there is something inherently wrong and backwards with that sentence.
*sigh*
This shred sounds scary. Really scary.
i never did as much praying in my entire life as i did when i had a REAL trainer. it`s like the 30-day-shred times a thousand. ouch.
I love this post. Almost as much as I fear Jillian. Yeah.
Isn’t that first cardio circuit Jacks/Jump rope/Jacks a total bitch? I flail around like a drowning victim during that. CRAZY!
i have the jillian michaels wii workout. it’s still in its wrapper. in the best buy bag. because…she’s scary. i’m scared.
seriously though…
is it good? should i unwrap it?
This is the second day in a row I have heard of ‘The Shred’ and I think I’ll pass on this one. Good thing I just joined a gym; yoga and pilates are so much more my style!
Jillian Michaels is the scariest woman alive…but God look at her abs. I have some of her 20-minute dvds (don’t think it’s 30-day shred though ’cause I bought them 87 years ago), and I can’t finish a single one. Ever. I always end up writhing around on my living room floor.
I run 10-20 miles a week. You’d think I could push through it, but noooooooo.
You deserve a medal and a few stiff martinis for sticking with the plan.
I think I love you and we just met here – right now. I won’t do the alcohol free diets either. I can’t imagine how anyone in my path would survive without the calming effect of a little vod and a little ka.
I have been tempted to do the Shred or P90X, but to be honest the vod and the ka would probably have to be one of the modifications I would have to make and to be honest the last time I tried to do this the ice kept falling out of the glass. I worked my abs by bending over to pick the ice up off of the floor.
I just noticed that I say “to be honest” a lot. Repeating it that much might lead people to believe that I’m not honest, but I honestly meant the part about the ice and the glass and the ab workout from picking it up. Sorta….kinda….well actually the chair usually trips me on the way to the basement and I end up falling in to it and not being able to get out. To be honest…
I’ve done both P90x and 30 day Shred and P90x is 100x worse. The workouts are whole HOUR mthrfckr! The Yoga on is an HOUR AND A HALF. It totally works though. There is no denying that it is a very unpleasant hour but my beers taste much better after I do it : ) I still can’t do man pushups though.
I did The Shred for about 2 weeks before my wedding and it made me actually made me want to stay at work. I dreaded going home because I had to work out. I really should start doing it again, but just the thought makes me kind of nauseous.