What do I even call this post? An angry, overwhelmed mother’s cry for help? Open invitation for assvice? I don’t know.
Posted by Heather in Quirky Kid Dossier, This Mom GigWith the prevalence of childhood development disorders (be it fashionable or legit), I simply can’t believe that in a city the size of mine (500,000+ population in tri-city area), I’m the only person to have contacted not one but three different psychologist offices & and a neurologist looking for a social skills group therapy.
None of the doctors have had them nor have heard of any in the area, and I’m told I’m the only person to have called looking for one.
Really? I mean, really? What the fuck?
So these kids are getting these evaluations and diagnoses of ADHD, PDD-NOS, Aspergers, ODD, Sensory Processing etc., etc., all of which have an impact on social behavior, and no one thinks a social skills group might be beneficial in helping these kids?
This is a joke, right? Because surely by statistics alone there’s enough children probably in my school district who need help with their social skills due to a development disorder?
I don’t care what label you attach to the kid, whether you attach one or not, what do you do about these common behaviors that have a negative social impact on these children? Shouldn’t we be giving them the cognitive tools to help themselves?
Or is this why we’re such a happy pill-popping society instead? Why work with the mind when you can take a pill for that, right?
Fuck, I don’t know. I’m nothing but an angry, hurt, frustrated mama out to protect her young from that awful species called children. Why are kids so fucking mean?!
This problem with Payton being teased it school – god, what a nightmare. I understand why Payton is being teased. Great spirits are often attacked by the mediocre. I know his eccentric behavior and idiosyncrasies, along with his intelligence, (and not to mention his awesome good-looks he gets from his mother) make him stand out.
I also know Payton doesn’t get a lot of the social rules. He’s at the end of 2nd grade and has one friend, who, bless her heart, I want to buy her a diamond necklace or stocks and bonds, is the one person on the playground standing up for Payton and trying to help him when he’s getting picked on.
But when you’re raising an exceptional soul, and we know what the world likes to do to exceptional people, will the problems follow us if we move?
I think Wally and I can read up and understand how to help Payton handle the teasing. We can teach him tactics and defense for that.
But are we ignoring a deeper problem? NOT that I’m trying to say maybe Payton does have some diagnosable disorder and we’ve been stubborn and blind as parents, blah, blah, blah. No, my faith still stands on that one.
However, he does have some social problems and we can see that. It seems like such a fine balance – embracing his individuality while making sure that individualness doesn’t get him rejected by society. The whole challenge of preserving his tremendous creativity and spirit, yet making sure he doesn’t grow up to be another Bobby Fischer. Fuck. If Wally and I can accomplish that, we better be canonized after we die.
Is this where we turn to outside help to work on his social skills? God help me if I can find a psychologist who isn’t a quack in this city.
P.S. please excuse all my typos. I have no time to proof. It’s time to go up to the school to get Payton so he can teach the kindergarten class about jellyfish today. My sweet, smart boy.
P. S. S. Apparently I’m omnipotent and should carefully watch what words I use and comparisons I draw. Last night? Payton showed a sudden and intense interest in playing chess. I shit you not. I would go edit the whole “Bobby Fischer” references, but it looks like it’s too late since he wants me to sign him up for a chess club.
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I had to search high and low to find help for my oldest. Finally found a good therapist and a special liberian who was intersted in tutoring after school…not only school subjects but social skills and her quirky interests.
Hang in there! It will get better. Until then there is vodka.
You are right on target. I had to pull my guy out of his school last year b/c he was harrased on a daily basis. You know what the principal said,???? “It’s his fault for bringing it upon himself, if he didn’t make himself so different….” EXACT WORDS. WTF? He deserves this for “making” himself different??? I try to forget about it b/c I get so irate.
I love my precious, sweet boy. He is all innocence and without malice, no maliciousness. Unlike the others. And for being who he is, he gets hammered. Don’t get it.
Next year, he starts middle school, and the tension in my gut over that wakes me up at night. Maybe the kids there will be more mature, I hope. I will try to be optimistic.
You are Payton’s biggest cheerleader, and I know he likes himself so much b/c he sees how much you like him. Please, never stop sharing with us, b/c it can get lonely out here when you are the few, the proud, the mothers of these kids.
You have probably thought of this but why does he have to go to P.E.? Could he go to the library to research sea creatures during that time? I know you’re not big on labels but the school could probably arrange this without a diagnosis or official plan. If the principal is attending PE, getting Payton out of it would help him AND the school. At least in the short term.
We finally had a 504 plan written up for Thing 2 JUST to get him excused from PE without the school getting any flack from the state and it has changed his entire school experience. I would think that at the elementary level you wouldn’t have to have an official plan like that to have him do something alternative to PE and if they’re worried about activity you could just log his physical activities at home. 20 min bike riding for example.
Good luck, I feel your pain!
Wow. That is so fucking sad. What is going on in our schools? It was certainly screwed up when I was young, but I was never a stander-outer or any sort of an achiever of any kind… Just your run-of-the-mill smartass.
Poor little man. I am so pissed for you right now…
you are a damn good mother… and that counts for a lot in a kid’s life. hang in there.
The extent of the incompetence of some schools in dealing with any child that does not neatly fit into their “ass-signed” roles is overwhelming.
Yes, I know there are good and caring teachers, administrations, etc. Unfortunately, I really have only dealt with one true angel walking on earth teacher (and yes, I let her and every possible person up and down the line know my opinion, and I hope and pray every day that she moves to another grade and one or both of my daughters could have this teacher again).
So, again, as one who has, and still does fight-the-good-fight, my thoughts are with you without label or judgment.
Don’t give up. You will find the help you need, sometimes you have to be a BITCH to get what you need.
I can hardly believe a school would let teasing and bullying get to that level, especially in the 2nd grade! It’s unbelievable how mean kids are to each other.
I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you to deal with this problem. The public schools offer a version of that kind of therapy in my county in NC and call it “Progressive Education”. You’re being such a good Mom by trying to find him the private therapy that will help him.
I’ve always said that schools want their pupils to be little robots, and they will NOT change the plan for just one or two kids. It is so very sad.
Maybe, just maybe, you could find a way to start a class of social skills? I mean, do you have to go to school to learn to do that? Not “officially” teach it (like certified) but make it sorta like a play group.
I could be talking out my ass here, but I’m just curious if there is no group like that where you live, SOMEONE should start one, rigth?
Poor Payton. I feel so freaking bad for him. I just want to give him a hug.
The old Catch 22 of the system…same in NY. Without a diagnosis there’s no help (even if you’re willing to pay for it), but clearly there are areas where you feel he needs a boost.
Someone mentioned a librarian…maybe starting a group on your own? MeetUp.com or local parents board might be a good place to find other parents in a similar situation. What about a grad student?
When life doesn’t give you viable options for a solution, its time to put on your thinking cap and make up your own solutions.
Let me know if you want to flesh this out a bit or even to see if it’s feasible.
My son is diagnosed with ADHD, has sensory sensitivity issues, and is also identified as gifted. I include that last because gifted kids can have a whole host of social problems too (not news to you). He’s an awesome kid. He also has very few friends, and I worry about it constantly. We live in the LA area, and I haven’t been able to find any social skills groups either, so I hear your frustration loud and clear.
I wish I had an answer for you – I love when you write about Payton, and I’m so glad he has a mom who’s fiercely on his side.
Hang in there.
I found a list of resources at http://www.autismspeaks.org/community/fsdb/category.php?sid=1&cid=34. There is a listing in Mobile, Daphne, and Dothan. Unfortunately most of them are in the Birmingham and Huntsville areas. You may have already checked into all these, but if not, I hope any of them offer some help for Payton (and you too). I would also look into the idea Katy put forward about getting him out of PE. How many games of dodgeball and kickball does he need to play when he could get some certified time supervised by mom or the Y after school? Best of luck!
I guess it’s almost pointless to ask, but does his school not have any social counseling groups? In my district, we offer “friendship” groups that work on social skills. From your description, it sounds like some of those other kids could use the work as well.
My daughter is physically disabled and we had some similar problems with PE but not until the later elementary years. In our school distict they have a mentoring program that pairs a high school senior with an elementary child that is having problems. It can be social or academic or both. They meet with the child twice a week and work on different things.
It is a great program and actually it seems to help on both sides. My daughter was mentored and then mentored when she was in high school. If you want information the program let me know and I’ll see what I can find on our districts website.
I went to elementary school in Mobile a million years ago. My Mom claims she was upset with the system then.
Yeah, not being in the area, I can’t help a ton, but I can suggest you try calling centers for other issues that cause social problems (aspeberger, autism, ADHA etc.). If nthing else they may have resources or pamphlets listing places who specialize in social skills for children.
Or you can try calling an adult therapist…maybe there is a child counselor in your area (NOT psychiatrist….just go with a social worker or psychologist) who is qualified to teach coping and social skills to kids.
Heather, I still read your blog even though it is hard for me to post. Our children are very similar although I do not have issues with an Aspergers dx. I am originally from Mississippi so I know how some areas of the South are still behind on certain services. I am now in California and got to pick from at least 10 social skills groups when I realized my daughter needed it. It makes me sad that I have this and you don’t ! Not fair! We love the group we chose. There are kids with diagnoses and others without (but are quirky or gifted) and it has been wonderful for our girl who now has tons of friends. She is still herself and she has not changed (still obsessed with certain subjects, a perfectionist, etc) but has gained certain social skills and coping skills to fit in just a bit better. We did find him through a therapist. I guess this is not very helpful. I am wondering if there are some books outlining how to set one up that you could at least follow at home and start your own with your boys and make it fun? I know my daughter considers it great fun – set up like games and play.
I know it is heart breaking. My grandson is so smart and he is extremely sweet. Since he was new at his school this year he was the outsider. He tries so hard to make friends and because he tries so hard they ignore him. Kids are turds sometimes.
I watch him at his ball game and how he treats other kids. Those that don’t do well get a “good job buddy” from him. He is always trying to be nice and encouraging. I am thankful and very proud of his sweetness. It totally blows that other kids see it as a weakness and pounce on it.
Where I live social skill groups are usually offered by the school or special agencies, I have never heard of private practice psychologist/doctors having them. There has to be some kind of agency that provides services for children with autism and that usually involves social skills group. And I’m sure even if your son does not have a diagnosis they will be able to help.
Having said that… why doesn’t your school district offer them???? that’s puzzling! There has to be other kids in his school with the diagnosis labels that would require that kind of help from the school district. Isn’t there some type of law for this? Can you get him a 504 even if he doesn’t have a diagnose?
This is crazy!
Heather, you are my hero! I will probably be calling you for advice on how to deal with situations with Connor in a year or so. You are a wonderful mother!
One other suggustion. Call the churches in your area and see if any of them have counseling groups. You may actually find something.
I know this sounds strange but it worked for us several times. One of the churches here has a group for mothers with gifted children. They have been able to get a lot done for the children with the help of the therapist running the group.
Also call te social worker at the local children’s hospital and asked if they know of any groups or programs that can help.
you are seriously one kick arse mom. Can you start your own social skills group?
I can do assvice. That’s easy. Generally, it’s not the “professionals” that know wtf they’re talking about. It’s the parents. Because a few years or months ago, there was another mother in your area, dealing with the exact same thing you’re dealing with. So go to the real experts.
When we moved from NY to PA, finding state/local services for our disabled son was a challenge – and Parent 2 Parent had more info than the county offices did.
Here’s the info for the Alabama Chapter. The main website is http://www.p2pusa.org/
Alabama
Susan Colburn or Vonda Reeves
Parent Connection Network of Alabama
c/o Children’s Rehabilitation Service
602 South Lawrence Avenue
Montgomery, AL 36104
Phone: 1-800-846-3697
Phone: 334-293-7140
Phone: 334-699-6600
Email: scolburn@rehab.state.al.us
Website: http://www.rehab.state.al.us
It so sucks to be in an area that has no resources. I am a clinician who works with kids like yours and I am also a mom of kids like yours. I work at the Hallowell Center in MA. Here we have some on line support groups for boys and girls from time to time that offer help for socialization. For other mothers we have here the answer was moving into an area with resources. For my son it was a charter school. I don’t know if you have those near you but they are public schools that work like private ones with small classes and individual attention and respect for each child whether they are advanced or behind. For one of my clients a grad student at a local university was the answer because she was working towards being a specialist in that area and the fit was a good one. For others it is homeschooling and joining a network of homeschoolers that is understanding and stimulating. As long as there is indulgence, intollerance, neglect and abuse in homes there will always be bullies in the general school populations. It seems they are on the rise but we can be creative and make a way for our kids. If you choose to take him out of PE PLease do not let him stop physical activity. No doubt your son is an amazing child but the part of him that is not fun for him to live with is a developmentally challenged part. Development can happen. Research is showing more and more of this. I work with an exercise based program and an auditory stimulation program and I can tell you that development continues and accelerates with the proper treatment. Keep him moving especially if it is hard for him. Make it fun. And don’t hesitate to contact me if you want more info about anything we do here at Hallowell Center and My Sensory Solutions. You are in my prayers. O
I hear ya sista! My son, Mr. T, is having many of the same issues as Payton. There are social skills groups in my area (Chicagoland), but 99.9% of them SUCK. His psychologist and psychiatrist honestly have no recommendations as to what groups are out there. I happen to have good resources in my back pocket, as my career before becoming CEO of our family was working with children with Austim/Aspergers etc…., but even so, being able to get into any good social skills group is a nightmare. But, right….WTF……no recommendations? No other calls from other parents? They are clearly clueless. Good luck!
Here is your opportunity – start up an after school thing on your own. I like the idea about high school mentors, maybe find a group of similar kids, some mentors, and open your house on Saturday afternoons or something. It sounds like you have to do a lot on your own, maybe you can build in some help like that.
And the PE: yes, try to find a way to get him excused from that, there are always ways someplace.
I want to beat the shit out of those punks for you. I hate asshole kids.
Girl, I feel your pain.
I went down this road, looking for something ANYTHING to help Boo understand social cues and the like, cause dammit he is BRILLIANT with me, how the fuck can I teach him when he has it down pat with family members it is his PEERS he has a problem with.
I eventually gave up when I got told too many times that I would need to set it up for myself FUND IT WITH PSYCHS SPEECHIES AND OT’S with my own damn money and PAY other nuerotypical kids to join in.
What the fuck I ask you?
I will have my martini now.
(why do you have to be so far away? Our boys could play together)
I didn’t have time to read all the comments so maybe I’m ditto-ing here. Is there a county program that can help? Here in Ohio it’s called MRDD, and they had lists of different providers…I had to call about all of them, but eventually happened upon one with social skills therapy groups.
I have no advice or even assvice to give. My oldest is 20 and I’m just now starting to think that the borderline ADD is really some mild form of autism. I hate myself for being so naive for so long. I can’t even write about it on my blog. But we’re looking into it this summer.
Is there a Children’s Hospital in your area? If so, call and ask them if they have any groups, and if they don’t, ask why they aren’t starting them up. Same goes for your county MRDD board – they often know of all of the obscure support and therapy groups that somehow don’t believe in advertising.
I’ve never understood why it has to be so hard to find therapy groups. Surely they charge a ton for their services – wouldn’t you think advertising to get more people in would be a good thing?
Good luck with your search. I had a hard time finding help in my city until I spoke with the MRDD services. Having a motivated and dedicated mom is the real key, though – he’s already far better off because he has you.
Our church has a counseling center affiliated that hosts social skills seminars several times a year. You may look into something along those lines (a counseling center or community center if you aren’t into a religious spin).
For Sale sign? Yes. Will the problems follow? Yes and no. Find somewhere that caters to your needs. Find somewhere with the groups you seek, then find a way to go there. I was just thinking of you, in fact navigated to your blog today for a specific reason, and it’s so pertinent to see this post. In the May 25 issue of Newsweek, there’s an article about a man (with Asperger’s) who is working to develop societal acceptance of neurodiversity. He seems right in line with your thinking, that to take away that which makes a child “weird” in the eyes of so many would also take what makes them unique and special, and he doesn’t believe autism can or should be “cured.” He heads up the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. Anyway, the article might be a breath of fresh air for you, and whatever you label or don’t label your son, maybe that group would have advice on a place to start looking for what you seek.
i’m raising my step son who has aspergers, ocd, adhd, panic anxiety disorder…now has a tic disorder of some sort…and we may be looking at some sort of psychosis. and due to all of this, he has no social skills. NONE. and there is nothing within the school system. and you are right about the pill popping. oh, a new symptom, let’s treat him with 20 mg. of anti-new symptom. it’s amazing how little there is in the way of social skills support.
btw…
just curious…
have you heard of indigo children?
for my own son, the school social worker told me to research about it…
and from the way you write of your child, perhaps it’s something you may want to read about.
some may not believe in this sort of thing. personally, i’m on the fence. but…it still is interesting, regardless.
I don’t know how anybody worth knowing survives childhood, I really don’t.
And your son has one friend. One good friend is more than most people have.
“I think it says perhaps a For Sale sign is needed in our yard and we need to move to another district”
Bingo. Fresh starts are underated. You can’t fight the culture.
My son is in 1st grade now and has been dealing with some of the same issues. It is so hard to see or imagine that anyone could be mean to my sweet, generous little boy, but kids are animals and they will always attack the weaker players. I am sorry that your school is not being as supportive as they should be. My recommendation is keep “squeaking” and they WILL accommodate your son’s needs. I know that it feels unnatural for some people to be overbearing (I can’t stand seeming that way), but when it comes to our kids: Mama Bear WILL come out and make everything better if she can.
Good luck.
I also wanted to comment on your new post. I have looked for a therapy group exactly like the one that you are looking for and there is ONE in the Madison, WI area. And it is so full that you have to get on a wait list to try and get a spot on it. My husband and I finally relented and started an IEP (individualized education plan) at our son’s school (after a lot of heartache and fear and resistance to our son being labeled as “special ed”) and the special education teacher has built in a component of “social stories” into his plan to help him learn how to identify the social cues that are currently alluding him. So far, it has been helpful. I know that there are books of the social-stories that can be purchased. Maybe they are something you could look into while trying to find a supportive, safe place for your son to be himself, while learning how to interact more easily with the kids around him.
It hurts so much. I know. I had the (dis)pleasure of getting to sit in on a meeting with my son’s school’s principal, my son, and the two bullies that were caught calling him names and harassing him on the bus. Somehow, glaring at the little rats responsible for making my baby come home saying he “wished he could change his name b/c he didn’t like his anymore” was not nearly as satisfying as I had hoped it would be.
You’re all scaring the bejeezus outta me! My son has HFA (high functioning autism) but he’s only in pre-school getting ready to move on to Kindergarten. Right now everyone in his little class loves him, and backs him, and wants him to succeed…but I fear for those days past 1st grade when everything starts to change and kids can no longer accept others who aren’t exactly like them. My son sounds a lot like yours, gorgeous, brilliant, gentle, funny. But mine is very lacking in social skills. Here in rural NC we can barely find sevrices for him. In fact I had to take classes to conduct ABA therapy at home myself. But, I do find a lot of resources thru the Autism Society of NC. They have a “library” on-line where you can purchase books and videos to help with social skills. Thank goodness my son loves to read. (Yes, he’s been reading since he was 3!) You don’t have to be a member and you don’t have to have a diagnosis. They have things for all age groups.
I know its discouraging, and its maddening, but never give up and never give in. We are our kids best advocates and loudest cheerleaders and IMHO you are doing a fabulous job!
I haven’t read the other responses but I wanted to throw out my 2 cents of assvice. (I was a therapist in my pre-momma days.)
Social skills groups aren’t run by mental health professionals because you can’t bill insurance or medicaid for it. However, I ran 3 different groups called partial hospitalization groups through my local community mental health agency and to a large degree (despite the scary name) it was a social skills group. We worked on behavioral problems but we also worked to help the child make his/her behavior better conform to social norms so that they could be better accepted in school. Each child had a case manager who could visit them at school or home to also talk about those kinds of social behaviors. Yes it is absolutely ridiculous that you would have to seek help from a mental health professional and have your child diagnosed to get this kind of service but that is my best suggestion. (And I know you’ve worked hard to avoid labels. I don’t have a suggestion that involves avoiding labels. But I would say stand tough on the medication issue – I hate how they throw pills at kids who are unique.)