I break my long-standing NO WEEKEND POSTS for this totally depressive post
Posted by Heather in Quirky Kid Dossier, This Mom GigLike I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we have Payton working with a therapist on social skills this summer. So far it’s been a spectacular disaster, thank you very much. Really, almost to the point of maternal pride – that fucking spectacular.
Yes, I think I can take a certain amount of pride in my son’s showmanship, no matter its manifestation. I keep telling myself that and somehow it will pay off, like when he’s on TV where I will watch him from a TV in my Caribbean beach-side cottage he bought me, because shit if I haven’t already earned it along with a consistent state of altered consciousness.
Surely this is how it is, launching a great talented soul into the world. I mean, think of all the great actors, performers, society-changers. Surely their childhood didn’t follow the typical developmental curve, only everyone, parents included, keep it a dark secret swept under the proverbial rug. Surely they drove their parents especially insane with their intense feelings expressed in intense ways.
Surely?
Or is this how you launch a great tormented soul into the world? A child damned to become an adult who is in and out of a mental hospital?
Last night, Wally and I watched Revolutionary Road. If you’re looking to spend an entire weekend depressed, I highly recommend you watch it too. And please, view this blog post of mine as its appetizer.
In the movie is the character John, the neighbor’s adult son (holding a Ph.D. in math) who gets out of the psychiatric hospital with 4 hour passes and visits the Wheelers, the star couple.
These scenes with John, they reach out from the TV with sharp, poisoned claws and grip my heart.
Is that my son’s future?
Honestly, I could see Payton in John’s character. The amazing spoken truths, even if at times it’s the truths we don’t want to hear, the ones no one speaks of. The inability to keep negative, nasty thoughts to himself. The sudden unprovoked anger.
Shit, can I tell you how many times I’ve gotten onto Payton for spewing some ugly, nasty thought? Telling him to keep those thoughts to himself, that we don’t have to voice every single thought that comes to mind, and then how Payton wails, “BUT I CAN’T STOP MYSELF!”
No, I can’t tell you have many times because I’ve lost count.
Sure, he’s only 8, almost 9, and maybe it’s not unusual for a kid that age to spout off vicious shit in anger, unable to stop himself. Maybe it’s a stage. I mean, how the fuck would I know whether it’s unusual or not? He’s my first child and, oh, LUCKY ME! I get an atypical kid to break me in really good and hard, so much so that many times I feel completely broken with nothing left of me for my second son but bits of stomped on glass and twigs.
His intensity is like a surge of flooding water, wearing my foundation away.
As I watched these scenes in the movie, I soothed myself.
It’s just a stupid movie, and god knows Hollywood doesn’t represent reality.
No one can predict the future!
Me and Wally? We’re total kick ass parents. We’ll make sure Payton turns out sane!
But are we? Will we?
In the scenes with Crazy John, I see his parents. I feel their ineffectualness. I feel their desperate groping for ways to help their son; the wretched mental act of grasping for straws that aren’t even there to grasp.
Goddamn, you have no idea how I feel it.
Buckle your seatbelt, dear reader. I welcome you to the roller coaster ride of therapy. Prepare for ups and downs, twists and turns, and loopy loop stories coming soon to a blog near you.
In the meantime, we’re going to spend the day at the pool where I’ll watch my son transform. Where I will see his body sail gracefully through the water, morphed into an angel flying through air. He’ll show me how to swim like a squid and every cloud we see today, he’ll somehow see as a sea animal.
Surely this genius and not insanity.
Is there a difference?
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Ok, Heather, I’m no psycho-anything, thank God! and I was exactly what you don’t want your kid to be,but doesn’t that sort of make me an upside down backwards specialist in fucked up behaviour? (huh?-WTF!) anyway…it’s early and it’s saturday.
but you don’t exactly come off as the type to be directing someone not to say whatever comes to their mind as you, um, say whatever comes to your mind the way most people just breath. Maybe Payton just recognizes this as happy and healthy and wants to emulate it. Am I the first to tell you that you’re not normal and don’t like normal, but, um, maybe want your son to be normal…have I mentioned it’s sat and early? would you please quit worrying and let Payton discover who Payton is? fuck normal! You’re a kick ass mom! ~rick
I read the book Revolutionary Road several years ago. I know what you’re talking about. It was a beautifully crafted book…every word deliberate and perfect. But I could barely dress myself when I finished it…that’s how depressed I was. And worrying about your kids? I wish I could tell you that it ends once they become legal adults…but it doesn’t. It really, really doesn’t.
My husband and I were meeting with one of my children’s teacher and as she was describing our child, my husband said “that’s just like that guy in ‘A Beautiful Mind’”. And I screeched “BUT HE IS INSANE!” and my husband, my hyper-rational husband said, “so what? All the people worth knowing are a little off.”
Now I’m worried that I’ve already told you this anecdote a million times.
No, Hollywood does not portray reality and no one knows what course a child’s life will take. Parents make a difference. Environment makes a difference. I am convinced that you have excellent instincts and that you will seek out what works for your son.
And as for the line between genius and insanity? Fuck if I know. But I’m pretty sure that it’s not a straight line, I think it has permutations.
Sanity is totally overrated. Sometimes I think it’s the new PC term for mediocrity.
It’s genius Heather. It has to be. I believe that it is. And if it’s not I believe that you and Wally will do everything to help your son. There’s genius there,too.
((HUGS))
First I have to tell you that I watched that movie last weekend and yes, that was such a depressing movie.
Second, Mental illness abounds in my ex husband’s family. Actually my ex husband is schizo affective and the movie A Beautiful Mind is a WONDERFUL and very true representation of that illness and for the family that lives with the ill person.
Third, when my oldest son was around 8-9 we had him in therapy, he had major problems in school and I usually left parent teacher conferences in tears. His behavior was horrid and on and on and on.
What I found with my son is that as he grew he changed so much. By the time he hit puberty he had nearly outgrown all the horrid things.
He is now 22 years old and will graduate this coming Friday with a Bachelor’s degree in Animation and Media Art from a wonderful college.
He is also one of the most caring, genuine young men I have ever met.
I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel and that in time, it will get better.
xo from one mother to another.
Hang in there. I just wanted to tell you that your line, “his intensity is like a surge of flooding water…” is so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. You are talented and I know Payton is also. I have my masters degree in counseling and it doesn’t do a bit of good for me. I have to pray to God often for help with my awesome extremely active 8 yr old son. Don’t be offended! It just works for me.
I’ve not seen the movie, so I can’t compare Payton to the John character. I’ve met Payton, though, you and I talk about him on a regular basis. It’s never crossed my mind that he’s mentally ill, never! I can imagine seeing the portrayal of this character reminded you of Payton, but that in no way means that he’s actually affected like the character.
This isn’t the “answer,” I just know it.
I’m no expert, but from all you have shared with us here, I have to think it is genius. Pure and simple.
I have to agree with Marinka that parents and environment DO make the difference! You and Wally are clearly, clearly extremely involved, loving, and intentional parents who are doing the very best you can to advocate for Payton’s best and to nurture the personality and temperament that he has been given.
I’ve been reading this book – Last Child in the Woods – and he speaks to the calming, organizing, peaceful effect nature can have on people, particularly children. Obviously Payton is drawn to aquatic nature. Is there any possibility, I wonder, of further incorporating nature into some of his therapy? If not in a formal way, then maybe in some ways you and Wally can create on your own?
I wish you all the luck in the world. My oldest, a son, was tested and was called “gifted”. He dropped out of school cause it was too “boring” and proceeded to get in as much trouble as any teen I knew. Yea, he is in a Correctional Facility now and taking college courses. He had the highest score ever on his GED and passed the Texas College Entrance Exam with flying colors as well.
Hey, I’m not saying your son will turn out like this. You are taking all the right steps and I made mistakes along the way, like letting him go live with his father, who let him do whatever he wanted (drop out of school in 11th grade) and gave him no descipline.
If I could only do it all over again.
I’M a genius and I also say a lot of fucked up things out loud that I shouldn’t, so I know of what I speak:
The kid’s a genius.
And you and Wally ARE kick-ass parents, I’m sure of it. I don’t even have to meet Wally in person to know that. I’m just THAT genius.
Also, stop calling me Shirley.
I blame your post on that stupid movie!!!!!!!
Don’t watch depressing crap like that. I coulda told you about that movie.
Something a person should watch if they’re feeling suicidal, and just need a little push.
Don’t think you’d be thinking what you’re thinking in that post, if it tweren’t for that dang movie.
Stay away from that stuff!!
Payton is Payton, and not the character portrayed in that movie.
It’s that dang movie, Heather, stay away from that stuff!!!!!!!!!
It’s like packing up your last baby’s outgrown clothes, forever, while Roberta Flack is wailing in the background with “Killing me Softly.” I mean, who can pull themselves out from under that black cloud.
Now, go enjoy Payton…the world needs more Paytons, that’s what I truly think. Enough of the back stabbing and hyprocrisy and talking behind people’s backs.
Let’s have the BEAUTY of a truth spoken. Think of all the misunderstandings and doubt we’d eliminate: All out and in the open, pure truth. Beautiful.
I could have written your post. Well, except I haven’t seen the movie and now I’m not so sure I want to torture myself!
It’s genius. It has to be. But yeah, there are times I have looked at my kid, listened to him talk about how to blow things up and wondered if he’s the next Unibomber (Uni? or Una? oh well). We do the best we can but we can’t control it all.
Has to be genius- no question. Peace.
oh girl. I’m so sorry. You are having a rough time. Hang in there. You are a wonderful mama and a beautiful writer. Your amazing Payton is lucky to have you.
[...] « I break my long-standing NO WEEKEND POSTS for this totally depressive post Jun 15 2009 [...]
My instinct was to not watch that movie and I was clearly A GENIUS.
Bejewell effing kills me.
And Marinka is smart and I agree with everything she says here.
Hang in there. He is not any of the bad things – boring, mediocre, average, flat, uninspiring, dull. He’s made of good stuff and you and Wally know it.
I want to listen good music!
This look interesting,so far.
If it’s not just all bots here, let me know. I’m looking to network
Oh, and yes I’m a real person LOL.
Peace,
[...] of schizophrenia, I made the mistake of watching Revolutionary Road again on HBO this weekend. I know, I shouldn’t have, but I do love Kate Winslet. There’s another fear [...]
I know I’m a little late in finding this post but I suck, I admit it.
I kinda had that same feeling about Aidan when I saw that movie. I also think based on what you’ve written about Payton, he is not going to end up like that. You won’t allow it
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