Wally & Heather plus Complicated New Math = General Hospital’s Psych Ward
Posted by Heather in Evidence File for The Betty, I Couldn't Make This Shit UpWally & Heather
Plus 3 cats
Plus 2 kids
Minus 1 cat
Plus 1 cat
5 years go by…
Plus 3 stray cats
Minus 2 cats placed
Plus 4 foster kittens
Plus 4 SURPRISE foster kittens and mama cat
Minus 3 original cats who are pissed and stay outside, only coming in to shit in inappropriate places.
Plus 4 out of 4 surprise foster kittens get HORRIBLE illness, some on the brink of DYING.
Equals Heather playing a veterinarian but in actuality is an escapee from General Hospital’s Psych Ward.
Equals Heather paying for repeated vet visits for kittens she won’t end up keeping, unless they start shitting gold nuggets instead of the liquid mustard that is constantly coming out of their tiny 5 week old asses now.
Minus first 4 foster kitties due to HORRIBLE CONTAGIOUS illness.
Minus hard core drugs for Heather
Plus bottle of cheap fruity wine.
Minus one kitten from the brink of death, possibly. It’s iffy.
Plus one kitten taking a bad turn overnight and possibly on brink of death now.
Equals an alternative ending to the Harry Potter books where both Hermione and Ginny die with Luna as a possible 3rd. But don’t worry because Harry of course is totally fine now.
Plus Heather administering tiny drops of water to dehydrated kittens every 15 minutes.
Plus Heather giving medicine to kittens four times a day.
Plus a megaton of hand soap used.
Minus healthy meals for family.
Minus my nose’s ability to smell anything but cat diarrhea and vomit.
Plus one email from President Obama encouraging citizens to participate in United We Serve, a campaign to get involved in volunteer work.
Equals Heather one step ahead of the President.
Equals Heather not understanding how Jon & Kate had time to fight with each other AND have affairs because, OH MY GOD, I’m only caring for kittens, not 8 children, and who the hell has time for a lover and fighting?
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I believe you are now qualified for some award. Hell if I know what it would be called but some award indeed.
)
This post is teh awesome! I hope your kitty gets better soon and that you can smell something more pleasant even sooner!
Aww… I feel so bad for your kittens (and sanity). Here’s hoping all the hard work leads to a quick recovery for all.
Ah man. If I lived near you I would help. I’ve had to bottle feed kittens and wipe their butts to make them go potty before. You poor thing!!!!!
Hmm, sounds like it’s time for a new kitten family to stop by, since you are getting so good at it.
I think you should admit yourself now…at least you’ll get some rest!
I can’t believe whoever you’re fostering for won’t help foot some of the bills. Have you mailed them any kitty diarhea yet as a token of your appreciation for their lack of help?
Is there any way to diaper a kitten? You could even turn it into an ‘experiment’ for the boys. You’re a saint for dealing with all of that and should help yourself to at least another bottle of wine.
Oh yes! Kitten diapers! Please try it for the general amusement of all of us.
Bless your heart is all I can think to say.
This whole giant math problem was worth it for the last sentence alone. heh.
(Hope the kittys are ok)
Shouldn’t everything be multiplied by Grey Goose to the Absolut power?
Exactlly!! When I heard about the affairs with “the grey fox” and “the schoolteacher, ” I thought, “huh? where? how? when?” WTF?
I’m going to go drink that last half of my bottle of wine and see if I can get the math straight then.
Be right back.
Maybe.
When it comes to new math, I haz teh dumb so I’m here on behalf of the amatuer medical community to tell you that you are officially insane.
On the upside, now that you haz teh krazy, you can now wear your bunny slippers, a Bass Pro Shop cap, and Wally’s BVDs (and nothing else) out in public without shame. All the crazies do it. Just show them this post, and if they give you grief, hand them an undiapered kitten. [I also recommend that wardrobe based on the heat around here (again, WTF already?). Just don't forget your SPF.] I’ll be looking for the story on the news…
Have you convinced Wally that a real human baby would actually be easier?
Dude!
You sound busier than a one armed drummer with the crabs!
JT
x
Good Gravy woman, I am on the brink of the looney bin just reading all of that. Gah! Good luck-will send booze.
holy crap. i’m never getting a pet again.
Can you just squeeze the kittens in hopes all the poop comes out at once?
u r hilarious!
Jon & Kate MIGHT still be together if someone had given them some sickly foster kitties to care for before she started to pop out human babies. He could have figured out what a psycho she was!!!