A while back I said I would post about my labia. That’s the plural form of labia, not the singular and I’m still pissed off about that show of inequality. I don’t know what it’s going to take to get equal rights around here. Notice the plural form of testicle. Uh huh. Fucking discrimination!
I’ll be honest with you, I hesitate to even write about my labia because, believe it or not, I do have a line I draw over what I will and won’t share on my blog.
While I’ve hemmed and hawed over whether to tell the story of my labia, it became apparent a lot of people (read: 3) wanted to hear the story. Once I realized that, I decided enough of this free blog shit. If you want to know about my labia, you’re going to have to fork out some Presidents for it. Preferably some Ben Franklins.
When I get all of that settled, I’ll let you know how to throw your money at me.
But I am a giver, so while I continue to set up labia Paypal, I’m going to talk about my boobs instead. I hope you will prepare a shrine to my breasts because in the past a big blogger got over 520 comments on her boobs. My god, you’d think she had ripped Dolly Parton’s boobs off her chest and claimed them for her very own with all the freaking opinions on her boobs.
And after this I may post pictures of my bathroom since another big blogger got over 467 comments on her half-ass bathroom remodel with mismatched tile. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand what makes people comment. We’re all fucking nuts.
But knowing someone got over 500 comments on her boobs caused my mammary glands such stress and performance anxiety that last night I had a dreamed I babysat some stranger’s kid and SHAZAM! I started lactating out of the clear blue Playtex sky.
So I breastfed the baby because, duh, I’m such a giver. Wally was kind of freaked out about it, but I yelled at him, “WELL YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT GODDAMN VASECTOMY!”
Not that I still resent his decision or anything or get jealous when women in his office get pregnant.
When it comes to this post about my boobs, I want you to know right up front that I totally expect everyone to take my side. If you try to take Wally’s side, I’ll just spam your comment. That would sound more omnipotent if Wally wasn’t the backend master on my blog.
Wally and I had a recent debate over my boobs. Wally is under the impression that I slyly & maliciously use them to turn him on. As if my evil plans for world domination aren’t full enough. I’m busy sharpening my diabolical mind by memorizing people’s phone number instead of using speed dial, clearly giving me an intellectual edge over the rest of the population who are communication-less if they lose their cell phone. I don’t have time to think about my boobs, I have 11 digits to dial.
We were in the kitchen together and it’s important that you know it is a one-butt kitchen. While I know you have the impression that I lead a glamorous and easy life as a housewife, I actually have a humble kitchen. You get two people together in there and there will be the culinary tango going on simply over the lack of space for two asses.
So we were in the kitchen, and I brushed up against Wally, apparently with my boobs. At least that’s what he said and when I said I wasn’t aware my boobs touched him, he accused me of lying.
He believes women, like men, are constantly aware of our breasts and what we do with them, where they touch.
I said to him, “I’m not lying. Surely men aren’t in constant awareness of your testicles. Boobs are the same way for women.”
“Um, we always aware of our testicles.”
Well that fucking explains why they constantly touch them. But you don’t see women constantly touching their boobs.
Please, reader, tell Wally, and really, all the men in the world, that women are not constantly aware of our breasts nor do we spend our time scheming how to accidentally on purpose rub them on men while claiming ignorance.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a phone calls to make, which you’ll understand takes a lot of my time since I actually dial out numbers instead of holding down 4.
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Well…now that you know he thinks they are a weapon….use them. Me, I’m hardly aware of mine. I sometimes forget they are there. That is until my husband grabs them.
Seriously Wally, we have no idea what we’re doing with our boobs. My husband accuses me of all kinds of boob-related misdemeanors, like squishing them together when I’m sitting at a table or desk, or leaning over to show my cleavage. I’ve got better things to do than worry about my boobs and what they’re up to.
Now, if your wife come up to you naked and rubs them in your face, THAT might be a sign that she’s trying to tell you something. Short of that, I’d just ignore it.
No, I am not fully aware of my breasts and their power, but it’s probably because they came after pregnancies, so I wasn’t trained to manipulate men with them- since I was already hitched. I am kind of like a boob convert- not an orthodox. I am however constantly aware of my labia- or my labium- I favor just the one!
um…as a guy…I’m not aware of where my testicles are at all times. Most of the time I’m just aware they’re ‘there” but, not more than that.
I’m only aware of my boobs if they’re sore or making an otherwise well-fitting shirt hard to button. Oh, and when I’m in a crowded room and someone elbows one of the girls. Beyond that, no. I think they just want to believe that we are constantly aware of our tatas cuz it fits with their similarly silly fantasies, like that when we get together, we all have pillow fights in our panties. Newsflash boys – notsomuch.
I’ve got some whoppers and I barely notice them unless they are in the way or I have to spend $150 on a new bra.
I have to say that my boobs have a life of their own. They have been known to grab the attention of someone across the room while I am being busy blogging or other such activities.
Also, now that you are aware of the power of the boobs, I think that world domination is surely yours.
I don’t notice mine, but they don’t really get in the way often. I think men that are hung up (pun intended) on the testicles are that way because of the hanging/crawling up in their gut/constant fear of getting kick/hit with a wiffle-ball bat/one’s hanging lower than the other thing. See, it’s a fear issue. Besides, they are trained from about age 9 to see their nuts as a symbol of their manhood: “Would you look at the balls on him! Looking at my wife’s boobs in front of me!” ‘Cause you know, it takes much a man to ogle a strange woman…
As an aside, if you used your boobs for world domination, would Wally stand to benefit? He might be rooting for you. I’m just saying that if Hillary had a better rack, she totally would have gotten the Democratic nomination. Talk about world domination!
You are absolutely correct – boobs have power but sometimes they are more a nuisance. I agree with “thatwebchick” I can’t buy button up shirts since the buttons mine as well pop off of flap open and show it all off anyway. Buying bras are as bad as shopping for jeans!
If men think they are a weapon then I am using them wrong (note to self plan world domination with my chest)
Here’s the thing, Wally: I noticed my own boobs a whole lot when I was about 15, they were relatively new to me, and I found them mortifying. Then I had bigger things to worry about and I didn’t really give them a second thought until suddenly (20 years later) I was a nursing mother and !*()#&@*$^@&*^#@*& did those things go through a lot. Now, the only time I really think about them is when someone else touches them on purpose — like when my preschooler grabs them to try to get my attention in a store, for example. Because he’s short, and they’re sort of handle-like from his perspective. So, basically, Heather is totally right on this one.
I will say, though, that I’m slightly disappointed because I thought this was going to be a post about fore-play, and I was all ready to jump on the “don’t rub them at all” wagon, since I can’t even begin to think of my own boobs as sexy after the horrors that nursing wrought upon them. Honestly, I just want to keep them to myself and have no one else touch them ever again.
Which, now that I think about it, ALSO bolsters Heather’s point. Sorry, Wally.
I’m with Heather on this one. I only notice mine if my husband says somthing about them. Otherwise I have plenty of other things to think about.
I agree with corrin – I hate having to spend a ton of money on UGLY bras just because my boobs are huge. Hello??? I have huge boobs – make PRETTY BRAS FOR THEM.
I’m only aware of my boobs when they decide to spring leaks – especially when at church – I just *love* talking to the priest while trying to use the baby to cover my lactating boob. God help me if both of them ever decide to leak at the same time.
The only time I’m actually aware of them is when I’m getting dressed to teach and do the lean-over test to make sure there’s no inappropriateness going on. Other than that, you could light them on fire and I probably wouldn’t notice.
Yup. I have to agree with you and the previous comments. My boobs are a nuisance and I only notice them when they hurt or when there’s a baby suckling on them. Sorry guys.
I never notice my boob-eze until my wife tweeks my nips. But hers, I know where those girls are at all times.
I’ve got a DDD or an E and I’m just used to banging into things with them. Shit, the cat was head butting them early this morning cause she wanted to play and I barely woke up.
I agree — I’d totally use this new knowledge to your advantage!
I’m constantly amazed at the boob obsession. It’s like a special show for my husband each night.
Well, guys are aware of your boobs all the time. You could have faced the other way and rubbed him with something else.
Where is the labia paypal button?
OK, I am a solid D cup, so I can’t help rubbing the damn things everywhere I go. It’s not my fault, and it’s not done purposefully. I’m past the breast feeding stage with my kids, so the only time I’m aware of them is when my back hurts from carrying them around…or my bra straps are digging into my shoulders due to their weight.
On special occasions, I have used them for quasi-evil purposes. But that’s rare. Definitely not on a day to day basis.
Sorry, Wally.
I don’t think woman have the same relationship with their boobs that men have with their testicles.
Sorry to break it to Wally but the only time a woman (or at least in my case) is aware of her breasts is when there is a potential wardrobe malfunction.
Since Wally thinks yours are a weapon I would try to come up with new and exciting ways to torture him with them.
side note to my large breasted friends and our shared bra shopping woes: after trying what must be every type of big-boob bra out there, these are worth every damn penny – and bonus, they don’t look old ladyish, no readjusting all day, comfy and no-show under shirts. Here’s the link:
http://www.freshpair.com/Le-Mystere-Dream-Tisha-Underwire-Bra-9955.html
I shelled out for one in black and one in nude, and I’m never looking back! Victoria’s Secret is such a joke for anything over a C cup. My breasts laugh at their “full coverage” selection. Did anyone test these things out? Did any of them ever have to bend over to pick something up and experience the need to retuck?? lol!
If I am using my breasts to try and turn my husband on it is pretty obvious because they are probably exposed and I’m probably sitting on his lap. Other than that terribly obvious maneuver, no I don’t use them in this way. One more vote for Heather!
well, thanks all of you for rubbing your big boobs in my face (metaphorically speaking, so help me GOD!!!). I am aware that I am not in the D league…I ‘barely’ make it to B! For once, I am relieved I am not a ’straight A’!!
My husband’s awareness of my boobs should therefore be ‘mimimal’, but men being men, he still harps on them. He tells me he’s checking to make sure they’re still there!!!
Hmmph!!!
Close-fitting bras remove a LOT of tactile sensation on the inside of the bra. Especially the truly supportive bras: aka the kevlar vest my husband accuses me of wearing. The bigger the boobs, the less we pay attention to what brushes up against them. Really.
Wally? Seriously? You are constantly aware of your balls? Is like that, the first thing you think of in the moring and the last at night? Wondering what they are up to? LOL
Uh, no. I have never used my boobs as a means for anything. I did, however, get drunk onw night at a club and take my bra off to see it made a difference in how men approached me. But I don’t remember the results. I was too drunk.
First, how in the hell did I get through 25 commenters without ANYONE mentioning Wally being Heather’s “backend master”… You people disappoint me.
And, this comment is going to be the one that Wally (unfortunately) uses to prove his point. I’m sorry, ladies, but I am aware of my boobs more often than not. I paid good money for those bad boys and am more than thankful I finally have something to put in a bra.
I completely torture my husband with them, but he rarely notices…
HOWEVER, there was a time (pre kids) that I never noticed them. But they were too small to notice anyway, so meh.
i’m only afraid that one day my boobs will brush against the floor bc they now hang so low.
Dear Backend Master a.k.a Wally,
Most of us ladies will agree that we are only aware of our breasteses when we use them for our own selfish reasons. If we make them known to the male species…and by known, I mean by taking you by the ears and pulling you in for a motorboat, we want something. It could be something as simple as an orgasm but more often than not, it’s for you to help out with the kids, a new pair of shoes, or a damn fine piece of jewelry. The titties are never free. Surely you’ve heard about strip clubs?
If we simply “brush” them up against you, it’s an honest mistake…because if we want you to play with them, we will come right out and say so.
The only time I am “aware” of my boobs is when they hurt (usually due to sucky bra). I am hoping that his is true for most women because when I go to the salon to get my eyebrows waxed or am getting my hair washed the stylist usually brushes her boobs on my face/head. Good lord I hope she isn’t aware of that.
Dude. If the WIND blows a different way my husband is CERTAIN that it is because I cannot wait to take him home and jump him. Or, if we are already home, he will convince our children that it is “Quiet Time.” Seriously. The boobs are just there. Sometimes they get in the way. Sometimes they rub on stuff. When they rub against the refrigerator, that does not mean that we want it to hump us. Sorry Wally. You are the refrigerator.
I am so unaware of my boobs that they pick up and walk away all the time. It’s really embarrassing for the kids when their friends are over.
“OMG! WHOSE BOOBS ARE CRAWLING ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR EN ROUTE TO THE REFRIGERATOR?”
*Friend leaps up in horror and runs out the front door*
“MOM! I told you to keep track of those things, now Susan will never come over to hang out again and you have ruined my life once again!”
I tell you, I’m totally oblivious of my own boobs. I’ve heard Gorilla glue can help…
Hey Wally, The boobs are mostly an annoyance to us. Just because they are there doesn’t mean we obsess over them, that’s your job. And just because the nipples attached to said boobs are hard, doesn’t mean we are fantasizing about sex. 99% of the time, they have a mind of their own, and respond in kind.
There, Heather, is that what you were looking for?
I have boobs? Where??? Oh…those little things? Yeah, if I have to search for them, I’m not that aware of them.
Nope – never notice ‘em. I pay attention when I put a bra on…I wash ‘em in the shower. I did pay more attention to them when breastfeeding but that’s only cuz they were usually either leaking or had a child attached to them.
not only am i not aware of my boobs, i’m not aware of them when i should be (ie: nursing my daughter).
i’m floored by the books/emails/people talking about “letdown” and “engorgement” and “feeling full”
i have had quite a few bouts of mastitis, which i AM very aware of.
but until that point, i have nooooooo idea.
let’s hope The Mr. is more aware of them than i am.
I’ve thought about this and brought it up with my husband as well. He thinks, like Wally does, that women are COMPLETELY aware of their boobs and where they are at all times. I’ve told him that we aren’t. In fact we rarely notice them (except when they are sore from breast feeding, or when bras get un-comfty etc). Guys have a mindset that if their hands aren’t attached to their balls during the day perhaps they might just lose them, so they need to keep checking on them. Doesn’t this make you wonder where the term man-handling came from? Hmmm…I wonder.
What? When I rub up against a man with my boobs it’s an accident? Oh. And I can get over 500 comments if I write about my boobage (that’s plural)? Wow. Thanks for keeping me abreast of boobs in digital age.
I’m with Amo. I could barely concentrate on the post because I was too busy giggling about Wally being your backend master.
But, yeah, I’m not aware of them all the time, but I do use my boobs for malicious purposes. It’s fun.
Oh god I HATE that knowing grin when mine brush up against my husband… as if he’s thinking “You want me so bad”. I have G-cup boobs, they’re GOING to brush against you. Hell, they enter rooms before I do, they make my shirts fit wrong, they bump against strangers in crowded trains… and for all that, I don’t even know they’re there most of the time. Unless I’m jogging. It’s like a titflesh tsunami up in here.
I am constantly aware of my boobs, but that’s because I’m nursing a baby. Otherwise, I pay absolutely zero attention to them. Perhaps if men stopped thinking about their testicles for more than a few minutes at a time, the world would be in better shape. Just a thought.
Now. About Wally being your “backend master”. Am I the only immature reader who chuckles at that and has to repeat it out loud?
LOL…I second Mama Bird!
Sorry Wally………….you don’t win on this one! When we are aware of the bewbs, it is because we are using them to our advantage. You should never doubt that. Maybe we would be more aware of the girls if they hung loosely under a long, pokey-outy appendage thingy. But alas, we were designed better-with world domination in the plan.
Happy ball shuffling!
I find that I am most aware of my boobs when I sense a man isn’t looking me in the eye. Mostly, they’re just there, kinda like my arm. I know it’s part of me, but I don’t pay attention to everything that comes in contact with it. However, once I notice you looking, I’ll use them to see if I can make you do something silly that will make me laugh.