Vagina Mantras Get Me Through Every Time
Posted by Heather in Evidence File for The Betty, Marital Bon Mot, Royal HolidaySo I’d mentioned last week that I was under self-imposed sobriety. Well, self-imposed sobriety lasts only as long as a spontaneous trip to the beach with another family.
On Wednesday last week, a girlfriend and I suddenly decided to load the family up and go stay in Gulf Shores where we spent many hours worshiping at the Church of Surf, genuflecting to the holy spirits of Corona and José Cuervo.
(insert here gorgeously staged pictures of corona bottles with ocean background and a tall margarita glass, sweating in the hot sun that, if I were a proper blogger, I would have thought about taking. But, being an improper blogger, I was too busy being in the moment to think of blog-staged pictures.)
Two cases of beer and entire fifth of Tequila later, here I am, feeling quite well for my age and the number of strawberry margaritas consumed. Except for my finger.
My god. My fucking bird finger.
Let me do you, dear reader, and the entire internet a huge favor right now and issue a warning against approaching the wood pilings on a beach house while you’re in a “I’m not drunk but damn I feeeeeeel gooooood!” state. You may wonder what could possibly happen when you’re actually in control of yourself but just happy and in love with the world?
You could get a splinter shoved up under your bird fingernail like me. UNDER your nail. As in hmmm, let me cut off almost half of my entire nail so I can possibly get it out with a needle and tweezers up under your fingernail.
How did I get through it without a trip to the ER and nice numbing shot? I have a special mantra I chant anytime I’m faced with pain, or even potential pain, like at the dentist…
A nine-and-a-half pound baby through your vagina with no meds.
A nine-and-a-half pound baby through your vagina with no meds.
A nine-and-a-half pound baby through your vagina with no meds.
Really, you’ll be amazed what you can physically stand when you have that frame of reference. And if that doesn’t work, I go with a second mantra…
A ripped vagina stitched up with non-functioning meds.
A ripped vagina stitched up with non-functioning meds.
A ripped vagina stitched up with non-functioning meds.
Again, amazing what perspective does for you.
But still. It hurt. A lot.
Wally hovered over me in the bathroom while I attempted to dig out this splinter, and I could tell he was getting huffy and impatient with how long it was taking me, which in turn distracted me from my Painful Vagina Mantras. So I sent him on an alcohol mercy mission with instructions to make me an extra-strength margarita. I don’t know about you, but the first thing to go when I drink is feeling in my lips, the second, fingertips.
So he comes back and I swig, dig, swig, dig, swig, and dig some more.
Wally is still impatient with me.
“Would you just push the needle in and get it out?!” he finally said.
“I have an idea,” I replied. “Give me your hand and let me shove a needle up underneath your nail.” I held my hand out expectantly, waiting for his.
He walked out of the room without a word.
No wonder women are the ones who have to give birth.
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Owie! I was cringing just reading about it. But I think your second vagina mantra made me cringe even more. Your poor ya-ya!
hovering men are the worst. wait. they ALL hover….
ok, see. i gave birth twice with no meds. my first one was a c-section and i wasn’t THAT brave.
i could do tequila shots with the best of them.
but i’m feeling slightly…squeamish, right now.
Your poor hand!
(also — we’re getting all our babies from the stork — as of now!)
When working out I chant “cookies, cake and pumpkin pie, this is why I have big thighs”.
No, it doesn’t help with painful situations, but it is fun to say.
Madge at 8:57 a.m.: You are SO funny…yes, it’s true, they all do “hover.”
Remember that episode on JonandKate…when Kate’s making 8 lunches, food is flying, and Jon is “hovering” while Kate gets the whole thing rolling? She finally snaps and blurts, “When do I get a “Kate” day, where I just stand around and watch with my arms folded? Huh? When?”
I love that….
Queenie, hope your birdfinger is back in service today….
GAH! I have nearly the same vagina mantra, but dear heaven, I cringed and white-knuckled it while reading this post!
I keep telling you–you give up daily alcohol training at your own peril. Peril, I say!
Oh! My! God! That hurt just reading that!
Yup, why guys don’t have the kids. If we did the world would be pretty short on people.
Should have stabbed him with the needle. I’m sure it would have made you feel better.
I now have goosebumps and want to bang my head against something to get that image out of it. OWIE OWIE OWIE OWIE.
Poor Heather. yah, the whole self imposed sobriety thing… didn’t work too well for me with all our friends in town the past week or so. dammit.
you’re making me scream and scream in a totally sympathetic way!
Am totally cringing, like, to the CRINGE MAX right now. Oh my god. I need a mantra, but have no kids. Maybe I should shove a splinter under my fingernail so that THAT can be my pain inspiration for a mantra?
Ouch! I’ll remember the vagina mantra for the future!
oooo man!! every time i hear about a body part being hurt, it makes me want to grab that body part and protect it from being hurt(it’s weird, but very true). right now i am not sure if i should grab my finger or my vagina!
Amen sister.