“Give him to me for a day, I’ll straighten him out for you.”
No. No, you wouldn’t.
See, if you were the answer to my son and some of his stranger and more challenging behaviors, well then, I suppose he would be your son, not mine.
But he’s mine. And he came to me for a reason.
Sometimes I feel the green monster of jealousy rear its head as I observe your biddable children. How it takes nothing but a stern word and they snap to it and walk the line. How they amazingly walk themselves to time out and stay there without physical restraint.
Why won’t he do that? Why doesn’t that work for me? Why did you get these malleable, submissive children and I got this rock-hard, solidified soul of a child?
Then I remember…
Because he came to me for a reason.
I’ve tried to exert my will over his. Goddamn it to hell, I’ve tried. I tried so damn fucking hard a time or two that I was there, standing with him at the precipice of despair. One more push from me and he would have tumbled down the steep cliff and landed at the bottom, his spirit irreparably broken.
I shamelessly admit my will was the one that broke instead.
And this is why he came to me.
Because I’m the one who’s malleable – an essential characteristic God needs in a mother of a child with a old soul.
I’m the one who must bend and mold my perspective to see things in a new way…so that he may see things in a new way too. I’m the one who must grow and stretch myself into someone I wasn’t before…so that my son may grow and stretch himself into someone he wasn’t before too. I’m the one who must change…so that he can change the world.
So you see, he and I are perfect for each other. You could even call it ordained because God doesn’t make mistakes.
My love is his ocean – formless and flowing, always finding a way around the rocks. And he is the ship – solid and sailing, always sailing to new discoveries.
No, thank you, I don’t want you to straighten him out.
A ship that sails a straight line never discovers new land.
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Wow, that’s a pretty arrogant thing for someone to say. What a tool.
Whoever said that is a jackass, but this is such an eloquent answer.
Good for you.
I’m not quoting one person in particular. I’ve heard that statement, or very similar versions, from various people over the years, from strangers to family. I finally figured out a way for it to not make me feel that I’m doing something wrong.
What you are describing is not uncommon. Oh how many times I have seen this. I would say those that are so malleable and submissive are NOT the norm.
I think too often we expect everyone to fit into a mold. Our society treats those who don’t as a problem. Children are born with such wonderful intuitions and imaginations and we just kick it right out of them. That is wrong. We need to encourage their individuality, their quirks or at least let them be who they are.
Love him and embrace those special differences.
as the mom to one daughter with asperger’s and another with mental health issues, i can so relate to this…
“And this is why he came to me.
Because I’m the one who’s malleable – an essential characteristic God needs in a mother of a child with a old soul.
I’m the one who must bend and mold my perspective to see things in a new way…so that he may see things in a new way too. I’m the one who must grow and stretch myself into someone I wasn’t before…so that my son may grow and stretch himself into someone he wasn’t before too. I’m the one who must change…so that he can change the world.”
thanks for saying it so well.
Okay. You made me cry.
As you may or may not remember, I have one of these kids too. I know that precipice well.
I am printing this out, keeping it, remembering it. Not only touching, but so important.
Thank you.
I love this. It’s a great reminder to me that no matter how much I may want to just lose my patience and give up during tough parenting moments, they are mine and it is my job to be their mother. There are no quit’sies in this job.
Beautiful writing.
Oh….that ending picture made tears spring to my eyes before I could stop them.
I’ve always felt that you were hand picked to be Payton’s mom. The fit is perfect, I see that. You ROCK as Payton’s mom, he couldn’t be in a more accepting, loving, nurturing environment. He brings out your creative juices, I’ve never seen you write more fluidly and more beautifully than you do when it’s about Payton.
I wonder how different your life would be if it weren’t for being gifted with Payton. Would you even have this awesome blog?????
He opens up a side of you that never would’ve been awoken.
You BOTH rock!!!!!! And he is right where he belongs…he doesn’t need to be ground down into submission. What is that all about, and who is that for,anyway????
P.S. Do I have to tell you, that once again, you made my day.
Needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway, I’m printing this out, and framing it, because it is what I need to read on a daily basis. AND I have my moments where I’ve actuallly said to myself, “I made him this way, He should’ve been born to a different family, he’d be so much better off if he hadn’t been given to me, I don’t make him change enough, I accept too much of his stuff, I need to push his limits more, blah blah blah…
BUT, from now on, I am going to just replace those thoughts as soon as I have them with the picture of the sailing ships….and that is the end of that mental garbage.
I love you, Heather…
This post blew me away. Heather , you are amazing.
You touched my heart with this post. Seriously touched it.
Kimba
Well written and so very true, what a remarkable statement of fact! That’s how we need to be with others in our lives as well!
We don’t mold these children, they mold us.
This post is perfect in every way. Thank you.
Such a wonderful post. You are so right. God doesn’t make mistakes, and he made a perfect match with you and Payton.
ok. this was the best post ever. that sounds trite. don’t mean to. it’s perfectly said. and honey, i have stood on that precipice. screaming, yelling, ranting on the inside, falling apart on the outside.
You are the perfect mother for him. Perfect.
I cried… This is amazing… I’m printing this out and putting it on my refrigerator for those times when I’m doing deep breathing and it’s not working.
Hope you are having a nice summertime, and the boat does some sailing in straight lines at times.
ok, i have not read your post yet BUT will. i just wanted to comment back from your very nice comment on my site…and is it queer that i feel like you are a celeb blogger and am all in tether that you commented on my site.
funny you should mention the food. due to the july 4th crap food we ate i was thinking the same thing…..i have heard of some wonderful holistic doc in our area and i am going to check him out. the sears book sounds interesting as well.
What about your other son? What is his temperament like? I am ashamed to admit this but you speak so often of Peyton, that I do not recall your other son’s name. This was a great post!
Beautifully put.
Heather, I know I’m not on much lately,sorry,but I will tell you this, you made me cry with this story,you have such a way with words! YOU are special. I too deal with a child or should I say young adult now? with ADD,and it looks like bi-polar too now, I am pulling my hair out when no one is looking,desperate for the answers on how to help this young man,and find myself failing miserably,I got him through high school,but I can’t get him to get a job, and he has a child now, my grandson,and soon no place to live because his grandfather just passed on the 20th,we have no room here, our home is really small,and he just doesn’t understand that his grandfather’s house has to be let go,we can’t afford to keep it! So I think you’ll understand why I’m not on here much,too much stress in my life. but I will say that reading your article kinda helped the stress by letting me cry over something so beautifully written! Thank you!
So well said….
When you write these type of posts about Payton, it’s not hard to see that he obviously did come to you for a reason. You are amazing.
Sometimes I am jealous of those malleable children. Then I remember I don’t WANT my kid to be a sheep. I don’t want him to do something simply because an authority figure told him to. I want him to think for himself and be himself. And that’s a big pain in the ass as a parent but hopefully it will boil down to worthwhile in the end.
I am torn at times with finding that line between him obeying me and breaking his spirit. I pray I never cross that line. I will certainly keep this beautiful post in my mind when those times occur.
Thank you.
bwahahahahaha..you think my kids snap to it when I tell them to AND WALK themselves to their time out??!!!!!!!
Ok, now I’ll read the rest of the post
its a beautiful post…thanks for sharing
I so understand this response. I hear it so often from everybody that if I would spank him, time out, etc.. that B would be so much better behaved… So sorry you hear it a lot too…. Great post… Thank God he is your and I thank God B is mine…
what a great post! Love this.
Absolutely beautiful! Peyton is so lucky to be YOUR son!
You inspire me on those days when I’m about to tear my hair out from dealing with my “spirited” child. It is so hard to figure out where that line is…help him know and obey the rules, but don’t break his spirit…sigh.
damn straight!
I hear that crap from my brother all the time. That, and “Why don’t you just beat his ass?”
Drives. Me. Crazy.
That was beautiful, Heather. An inspiration for all of us mommies, no matter what our children’s temperament.
you said it – God dosn’t make mistakes, and you are right. I’ve always looked up to you as a really good Mother, just wanted to make sure you knew that.
wow. just, well…wow!
he’s so lucky that he came to you.
This is so, so beautiful. Thank goodness you threw a few fucks in.
I have four kids. One of them is the one that makes me work the hardest at pulling my hair out. I used to shake my fists at the sky and scream, “Why me?” But you’re so right… they come to us for a reason. I think often that she teaches me more about myself than I could ever teach her.
Perfect and eloquent. My heart and soul are glad for him to have you as a mother (and for you!).
I have two of those kind of children; my oldest child, and youngest twin. I need to read more things like this when I’m at my wit’s end. Thank you.
LOVE IT! I have three whose behavior challenges me quite a bit to find new ways to cope. My oldest three. The baby is not yet three so there’s still time for her to join the quest to drive me crazy.
I adore this post. It’s so perfect, and such perfect encouragement for me. Thank you.
Your post made me smile
I may not be the ‘best’ mother
That’s a given
But at least now I feel like I’m the ‘best’ mother for my kids
Your blog, and a bottle of red
Always does the trick!
Thanks
JT
x
You are so smart as a mother. Your last line is perfect, and you are clearly so right — he is yours for a reason, and it’s a good thing you know what to do with that. He is a very fortunate child.
I think are so incredibly wise. You two are a team, and maybe you take turns being the coach of that team, but you and that gorgeous boy? You were made for each other.
Wonderful. Yes, he is yours for a reason. Because you’re awesome.
Indeed. I had a “difficult” child. And fatherless. He was so angry. People always were saying that all he needed was a good beating. He got spankings until I realized there would be no end to them, no end to the escalation, and they served no purpose. People with compliant children do not realize that the children are compliant because that’s just the personality they were born with, NOT because the parents have some kind of magical technique. I gave in a lot. People extolled the virtues of consistency, but I just couldn’t be strong enough and smart enough ALL THE TIME. My son didn’t have just the same problems as yours, but he was smart, different, and scared. I remember the endlessness and the relentlessness of it all. But I did think that God sent him to me because he knew I would keep trying. He is not yet doing very well in life, he may never, but he survived adolescence and he got through it. He’s shaky, but on his feet.
The best answer I’ve seen yet for why babies find their way into “certain” families.
That was beautiful. Truly.
Perfect and beautiful!!! What an amazing outlook you have!
“A ship that sails a straight line never discovers new land.” I LOVED this! I have no human children, so have nothing to compare raising “normal” and “other” (I hate even writing those words) kids, but your words brought tears to my eyes. To my way of thinking, you are doing an outstanding job with your son. My hat is off to you.