You’ll have to excuse me this week. I don’t know what has come over me but I’m feeling quite sentimental about my marriage right now. If this annoys you, just wait around 3 weeks when I’m about to start my period and I’ll be back to marital irritation, aka wedded reality.
This may come as a surprise to you, but I came within a nanosecond of being a runaway bride.
I was 22 and completely full of myself with my college degree, which (hello?) made me a certified grown up. And don’t certified grown ups get married? Of course I was totally ready to get married!
It wasn’t until I saw the hemline of my maid of honor’s dress whip around the corner to walk down the aisle that I wondered if it would cause a scene if I turned right and ran out the door instead of left and down the aisle because, OH MY SHIT, I’M ABOUT TO GET MARRIED! TO THIS GUY AT THE OTHER END OF THE AISLE! AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO MARRY HIM!
That may sound dramatic, but there is something awful you don’t know about Wally.
He’s the biggest fucking ketchup waster IN THE WORLD.
It’s true, he is. THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. It drives me insane. I could feed all the starving children in Africa for a week with what Wally wastes in ketchup in 30 days.
I have a feeling you aren’t taking this seriously. Laugh if you will, but those little annoying habits, like squirting 16 oz of ketchup on a measly serving of fries, are something to take seriously. You’ll be forced to see those annoying habits weekly. Until you DIE. But not before you have children who want ketchup with EVERYTHING and you get to watch your husband waste even more. Then you die.
If I had to base my decision to marry Wally by the way he wipes his hands on a napkin, I would still be single, lulled to sleep every night by the tick-tock of my biological clock. And I would like it!
And good lord, what about all the stuff you find out about your spouse AFTER the wedding, such as his refusal to even taste mustard until he was 17? It’s a sandwich staple, for fuck’s sake! What kind of jackass won’t taste mustard before he’s 17?
It’s entirely possible I married a moron.
But there’s something awful you don’t know about me.
I was involved in a love triangle while I dated Wally.
It’s entirely possible he married a slut.
Airing of dirty laundry to be continued…
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Oh man, I’ve only been married 4.5 years but already I feel like I was a little loony when we got married. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve done fantastic thus far, despite many obstacles, and I do truly believe we’re in it for the long haul. We get along stupidly well. But when I think back to our year plus of dating, and then how “well” I knew him on my wedding day, man I must have been nuts! I barely knew the guy! (Did I mention his family failed to tell me he’s a BOOGER EATER? Yeah, and I totally made out with that mouth. YARRGHGHGHGHH)
But somehow, it all worked out in the end. Or, at least it’s worked out till now.
If I catch my son eating boogers however Daddy will have more than hell to pay.
At least your husband uses a napkin to wipe his hands. Mine just wipes his greasy fingers on his pants and then wonders why the dogs ate holes in them that night! My man goes through 1-2 bottles of bbq sauce a month. Perhaps it’s all that corn syrup that’s leading to his “beer” belly. We’ve been married a little over 2 years but have been together for 8, so I knew he had bad manners and he doesn’t eat veggies – but boy did I think I could change him! lol Love your articles!
Um, hmm, love triangle? I am waiting to read more. I know I was loony when I got married. Can we say -I knew him for a year and we lived in different states? Heh. Anyhow, 3.35 years later and a two year old in tow, I continue to learn about his “annoyances” but try to work through it because really, what else can I do?
Funny how all those little things can seriously drive you insane. Way to leave us hanging.
Cliffhanger ending?!?! After you drew me in with ketchup wasting? That’s just not fair.
I’m so glad that I made the exception to my “avoid math posts at all costs” rule.
Oooh! Tell me we’re gonna hear about the love traingle!
Oh, and what about the constant throat clearing that goes on all day, and the slurping of the milk with the cereal? Please!!!!!!! Even our kids pick up their soup bowls and go someplace else to finish eating when dad’s eating soup with us…that slurp will drive you to the madhouse….
Well, at least your husband doesn’t use several tablespoons of pesto, with a can of tuna, in a bowl with crushed ritz crackers, because my God that will make him STINK the next morning! Cause ya, I had to talk to my husband about that and he hasn’t eaten pesto since, thank GOD!!!!
Hey, I’m just following Marinka’s blog school lessons and that’s to keep blogs short. Of course, I didn’t listen to her about no math blogging.
Yes, I’m going to tell you about the juicy love triangle with me, Wally, and the third angle in the triangle, Chasin’ Schlong. Hopefully on Friday.
Hmph. My husband will only eat corn and peas. Out of all the veggies in the world that’s all he’ll tollerate. He won’t eat off of silverware (plastic only) china wear (paper plates only) or glasses (plastic cups). I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried.
Ugh. chinaware. You know what the hell I meant.
I have to take Wally’s side on the mustard thing…UGHH! Marriage is full of surprises. Most of them not what you expect. I’m still finding out things everyday like my hubby won’t get out of the different side of bed he got in on. ALWAYS have to get out on the same side…like the world is gonna come to a fucking end if he doesn’t. Drives me insane. Sometimes he asks me which side he got in one and I lie and tell him the wrong one..just to be a shit ass.
Can’t wait to hear about the love triangle….scandolous!
Hmmm…. interesting.
I kept waiting for the freak out when we got married last March, but neither of us really did.
My husband is perfect.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! NOT.
The government says ketchup is a vegetable, and meant to be used.
Now this was just mean. A cliffhanger? Seriously?
@joeinvegas… aren’t tomatoes considered fruit?
Great post. Can’t wait to read more. It’s good to know I’m not alone in the trauma of my husband’s bizarre condiment habits.
perhaps my daughter is actually yours? (or wally’s at least)
that girl puts ketchup on her ketchup. feh.
I loves me a cliffhanger.
.-= Wendi´s last blog ..The Bored Game =-.