I left off my love story with the admission that I was involved in a love triangle while dating Wally.
It really happened.
The End.
Wasn’t that a thrilling story?!
Gack, I hate my impulsive tendencies sometimes. I wish I hadn’t said it now. Not because I want to hide it, but because I don’t know what to say about it. Or rather the things I have to say about it cause me too much confusion and could potentially bring on a marriage crisis.
But I’ve said it now, so wheeeee! Let’s all watch as Heather questions her 13 years of marriage and the entire definition of marital love. All while her husband reads her blog!
Where to start…where to start…
Ok, once there was this guy, we’ll call him Charles. I could call him other things, such as Dirty Little Peckerhead, but that would show blatant immaturity and you know how I pride myself on my maturity. So Dirty Little Peckerhead it is!
I loooooooved Dirty Little Peckerhead. I mean LOVED HIM in one of those all-consuming, I will go to hell and back for you kind of ways. Dirty Little Peckerhead loooooooved me too. LOVED ME. When we entered a room, random pieces of furniture would spontaneously combust from the power of our chemistry. Or maybe that was my underwear and not the coffee table.
So how did it go wrong? I still don’t know and neither does he. Is there such a thing as too much chemistry between two people? To the point where all-consuming love takes a literal meaning and the intensity of the feelings scare you away? The overwhelming chemistry did lead to instability and we were always off again/on again.
It was during a long-extended off again period that I met Wally, the antithesis of Dirty Little Peckerhead in all ways. And I do mean ALL ways.
Wally was the opposite of Dirty Little Peckerhead’s more annoying traits of moodiness, unpredictability, and by that I mean suddenly ripping out my heart and eating it for lunch. Wally was and did none of those things.
Which that sounds great, right? Wally, the cowboy in white saves the damsel! Only Dirty Little Peckerhead would repeatedly crop up between me and Wally for the 3 years we dated, which, I’m ashamed to say, led me to do to Wally what Peckerhead had done to me – rip his out heart and eat it for lunch.
See, my feelings for Wally were the exact opposite of the ones I had for Dirty Little Peckerhead.
There was no overwhelming passion, no stage of mad-crazy infatuation. Where Dirty Little Peckerhead was a tempest, Wally was the clear blue sky after a storm.
With Wally, it was more of a slow burn. Obviously there was a spark or I would have never asked Wally out. (Oh yes I did.) It was just so different, the burning of that spark. So slow and so…I don’t know, what’s the word for unfirework-y?
I never felt like I needed Wally, not the way I needed Peckerhead.
Is that the difference between co-dependent love and actual true love?
Or did I play it safe and hedged my bets on the boy next door?
Wally and I were talking about this last night in bed– this question of whether we married each other to play it safe, what other factors played into our decision than just love. Does anyone get married based solely on love?
“Why is it the girl wants the bad boy while the boy next door looks on?”
“The boy next door usually wins in the end. At least that’s how it goes in the movies,” he said.
“But is that because he’s the underdog and that story sells?”
“Well, look at Spiderman!”
(because real-life relationships should always be based on movies, especially comic book based movies.)
“Yeah, but Spiderman had superpowers to win her over. What’s your superpower?” I asked.
“Hmmm. The ability to bore people to sleep in a single conversation!”
Do you see why I love him?
Earlier that evening, Wally was outside, swimming with Parker. Suddenly, I hear Wally’s deep, spontaneous laugh rush through the walls of the house and to my ears. My heart soars with the sound of his laughter and my face splits into a smile.
I find myself clinging to the feeling, just to prove to myself I have it. See, Heather, you feel something for him!
Yes, I do love him. I’ve always loved him for who he is, not for how he makes me feel.
Is that true love, the kind that lasts a lifetime?
I can’t say for certain. And neither can anyone else.
But if it is, then why do I feel regret that I never went through that stage of all-consuming love for him?
And I still wonder if I only played it safe.
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Oh, I know what you mean. The decision you make vs the decision that is made for you.
I’ve seen many many people go with the decision made for them, and they have been miserable for the last 15 years. No thank you.
I”ll take nice every time. I must confess my decision to marry my husband was a well thought out, laid out plan of pros and cons. I decided it, vs my own peckerhead in my life then, known as “Bobby the madman.”
I want to know how you asked Wally out!!!!!! That was getting your life on track.
Oh! I just thought of a story I read in the paper about 20 yrs ago. There was an elderly couple, and her husband had passed away, his widow spoke at his funeral, and the first thing she said was, “You know, he never made me cry once, not once.”
That said it all, I decided then that’s what I wanted.
I don’t think playing it safe is the right way to look at it. Wally sounds like someone who balances you out. I think we all need that. Me and my husband are opposite and I think that’s why we work well together. I can’t see myself with someone just like me, while the passion may be good when it’s there, when it’s fire, shit would get burned. And nobody wants to be around for THAT inferno.
Alexandra:
Heather picked me up in the Sporting Goods department at Walmart.
I know those wonderings…what if I’d made different decisions in my life? But the thing is that a second-guessed decision is almost never the right one (you know, in the movies, if your gut says turn left, the killer will definitely be down the right-hand path that you take instead when you second-guess your gut). And I’m with Keyona: there is a tremendous amount to be said for the man who balances you rather than sets fires with you. In the end, someone always gets burned with the latter.
.-= MommyTime´s last blog ..The Real Question: Who Will Tie-Dye Whom? =-.
I have been a “Dear Abby” for my friends for a LOOOONNNNGGGG time. It’s funny how I always came back to this topic.
I talk about the difference between love and infatuation. There’s nothing wrong with a little infatuation, it’s that ga-ga stage that makes those around you gag. It’s the “but I’ll just *die* without him!” stage, where, when apart, you try to make your prophecy come true.
Infatuation can lead to love. But it’s not to be confused with love. Love is being a stronger individual apart from the one you love, BECAUSE of who you love. Infatuation makes you a weaker individual apart.
I once read a quote or a blog or something of someone once wondering if they shouldn’t be apart from their chosen mate of the time. And then they likened it to two trees that, while not the same living thing, had become so intertwined roots branches and all, that not only was it a beautiful thing to behold but it just plain wouldn’t be worth the time it’d take to separate them.
I give out plenty of assvice. And then I wonder what my life would be like if I ever had said something to my 10 year crush, something I was always too chicken to do.
.-= HellTygr´s last blog ..I hate politics. =-.
I think you made the best decision.
.-= Coco´s last blog ..TWISTED SISTER DO NOT READ THIS POST =-.
I call my former on and off’er Dip Shit Jerk, Esquire.
I’ve also wondered these very same things you wrote about here. He was intense and passionate and moody and impulsive and I turned to liquid whenever anyone spoke his name. But then during an off period, I met my husband and he was nice and kind and, even though I hate this word as a description for romance, he was predictable and I felt like I needed all those things, and so three months later, we were engaged and a week after that, Dip Shit Jerk, Esq., called and wanted me back. And I considered it. Then I really thought about it and wondered if he and I ever really loved each other or if we just burned really, really hot.
In the end, I married my husband, The Artist Not Known As Dip Shit, Esq., 11 months to the day I met him. That was nearly 15 years ago. Sometimes I hear the other dude’s name and I’ll admit to pondering, but I also think we recreate history in our mind and make it so, so much more wonderful than it was at the time. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way, I’m like you. I hear my husband when he’s with our sons, or catch a glimpse of him that strikes me of that moment we met, and this feels like being in a good place, even if I’m not all liquidy all the time, which is fine by me because I flippin’ hate to mop.
.-= foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..‘she has trouble acting normal when she’s nervous’ =-.
I think the most important piece of the puzzle is the fact that you CHOSE Wally. Did you make a safe choice? Maybe… but whoever said the safe choice was the wrong one? I’ve always said love is a choice, not a feeling. Eventually all of that passion and sizzle with Dirty Little Peckerhead would have burned off, and then you’re still left with making a choice.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Jello Shots =-.
I’ve now been married ELEVEN DAYS so I’m an expert on what makes a good marriage.(Just kidding!)
But I’ve also been divorced twice so I’m also MORE of an expert on what makes a bad marriage.(Really not kidding)
I never would have dated Brian, looked twice at Brian, etc, he wasn’t my “type”…. So I never considered for a second that we’d ever be more than friends. And he was an awesome friend! And then he left to work at another job. And we missed each other. And started texting, calling, hanging out… But even then..I never thought we’d ever get together because I was pretty sure I was A: Not good enough for Brian and B: too old for Brian.
The way I love Brian is completely different from the way I’ve ever loved anyone else. And when confronted with the two side by side… I might not have recognized what I have for Brian as the better of the two things.
But now that I have it I can say it’s better. So much better.
.-= Ariel´s last blog ..Thoughts on marriage =-.
I think the important fact is that the love is there. Period. The hardest part of the big huge fire is that burns bright and fast and then it’s just over. I’d much rather prefer the lingering, slow burning. And of course, a little heat thrown in for fun
.
.-= Vanessa´s last blog ..Tip of the Week: Get a Damn Hobby Already! =-.
Honestly? That all consuming love eventually wears you down and breaks you. It’s not sustainable long term. At least I’ve never met anyone that could make it last. If it doesn’t consume you, what’s left when the fire dies out? Certainly not what you have now with Wally. THAT? Is the long lasting, slow burn that the other people (the ones who married their all consuming loves) wish for as they’re signing divorce papers a few years later.
But that’s just my opinion
.-= Kay´s last blog ..Multiple Choice Title – Brother, Can You Spare a Dime? ~or~ There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute =-.
I understand totally what you mean. Although my version of the peckerhead totally destroyed me. But he’s probably in jail now. I know he’s been arrested several times since he threw me out of his life.
And my fiancè is the total opposite. He’s everything I needed but never knew I wanted. Is our love fiery and intense all the time? No. Not at all. And sometimes I have some issues with that. But the thought of life without him? The thought of having children with anyone else? Makes me chest heart and my stomach roll over.
Even if you “played it safe”, as long as you can look at Wally and know that you couldn’t live without him, that your children wouldn’t be who they are if they weren’t part him too, well, I think that should remove many if not all of the doubts you might have.
Oh…and the ex I had that did deserve a nickname? I call him “That fucking pussy asshat”
To me, the very fact that you can discuss those oh-so-delicate topics, and even put it out here in your blog that he reads, shows just how solid your relationship really is, with a strong foundation. Good for you, and Wally. It’s only natural to spend time thinking about those “what if..” but it seems to me you picked smart. It looks like Wally has just enough wild/fun in him to keep you satisfied, here’s hoping he doesn’t lose it.
awwwww, i like this story! i did the same thing you did (like most women) was with the bad guys for years till i wised up and married a good boy (with tattoos, piercings, and a Harley. but he was still a sweetie! ha ha)
i hope you both have many many happy years together
.-= Lizzie´s last blog ..August Featured Blogger: Letters from Valentine =-.
Woah, I am not drunk enough for this deepyness right now, but in my experience, the nerd next door is almost always the right decision. Thta said, I KNOW that “the right decision” does not = “never wondering ‘what if?’ ”
.-= Cat´s last blog ..Greedy Little Pig =-.
I think even without that first spout of burning passion you can still end up where you are now. Hubs and I knew pretty much right off that we were headed for marriage, before we even started dating! We just fit so well together, and I do remember that consuming yearning and passion. We’ve been married five years now (dated a little over a year) and it just doesn’t feel that way anymore. And I have the doubts too, especially as I never had dated anyone BUT my husband. But then something quietly awesome, like the laugh you mentioned, hits me and I know I’m in the right place.
Reading about how much other peoples husbands suck helps alot, too. LOL
.-= Stassja´s last blog ..Really? =-.
Don’t know how that one would have turned out, but it sounds pretty good with Wally. He seems to enjoy it too.
.-= joeinvegas´s last blog ..Sunny =-.
So, basically, you married Jacob instead of Edward?! Sorry, couldn’t resist.
I did, too. And sometimes I wonder how it would have turned out if I picked otherwise. It’s OK to dip your toes in wonder, but don’t wallow in it for too long. I made a safe choice for loving comfort over unbridled passion. AND, if given the chance, I would make the same choice again. There was a clear, defining moment for me – where I made my choice, a conscious decision. When I feel myself getting sucked into the “what ifs”, I pull myself out by counting my blessings and the things I love about my husband and the life we have created for our family. I love our life.
And, I like to think that Kay is right – that all consuming love can’t be maintained long term.
.-= Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Giant Shoes =-.
Every now and then, someone pops up with something that makes you THINK. I mean REALLY think about the situation you’re in. Maybe it sheds good light and helps you see what you’ve been missing. Maybe it shows you the out that you’ve been needing. Either way, it always comes from the last place you’d look.
Just wanted to let you know that you were that spot for me today. No need to go into detail, but reading this line:
“Yes, I do love him. I’ve always loved him for who he is, not for how he makes me feel.”
Made a HUGE light go on upstairs for me, and I needed that. So, thank you.
My other half thanks you as well, even though he doesn’t know it yet. Hah!
i vote for wally. The all consuming lust dies a painful death.
i love your honesty.
.-= the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..what happened to my blogher buzz? =-.
I’m at the crossroads right now. I’m engaged (after 8 long years of dating) to a man who isn’t the bad boy. He’s kind, sweet, and funny. I’m pretty sure he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but now that we’re actually getting married I keep wondering whether I should have found some bad guys to completely get that all consuming lust out of my system. I wonder how I’ll feel 20 years from now.
.-= Inna´s last blog ..The weather. =-.
I married the peckerhead. and then divorced him 3.5 years and 2 kids later.
I later on went on to marry “the good guy”
Good guy never made me cry, picked me up off the floor when peckhead harassed me. Raised my children like his own when peckerhead decided mid life crises were much cooler.
Sometimes it is soo vanilla with the nice guy. No worries no up and down rollercoaster ride. I have come to enjoy vanilla. It is definately different. But I enjoy it.
Not sure if you are a taylor swift fan but you should listen or at least look up the lyrics to “the way I loved you” sums it all up perfectly.
I agree with the difference between infatuation and true love that people have discussed above.
I also think that when you’re talking about marriage, you’re talking about building a life with someone. That takes more than just love. It takes lots of trust and respect and good communication skills, etc.
We’ll call my past on-off-again ex “Pot-Head Man-Whore”. It’s amazing, but I never trusted the decisions Pot-Head Man-Whore made with his life. One of the final nails in the relationship coffin was realizing that if I had kids with him, he’d have just as much authority as I did to advise my kids on things like drugs and not being a man-whore and if I got hit by a bus, he’d be their only parental authority. Completely unacceptable.
.-= TexasRed´s last blog ..My Favorite Chicago Restaurant. =-.
What an honest, open post. This is from a girl who married her safe, best friends since we were sixteen, dated since we were eighteen boyfriend: I think real love is safe, it keeps you safe, it protects and softens. All that lustful, heartbreaking drama is fun for a while, but it’s so all consuming, it doesn’t leave any room for life.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Soul Food, BlogHer Style =-.
I think we are confused about what love is. What most people think of as love is lust and passion. Love is not something you fall into. Love is something you learn. Something you try your damnedest at day in and day out. Something you cling to and work on and make your own. And if you’re doing that, you can’t fall OUT of love. You can only stop trying.
Whenever my stupid brain starts to creep around it’s memories and play what if.. I look at my two girls and remind myself that if I had chosen differently, if I had stayed with my own dipshit, they would no be here. They would not exist. And that is a world where I cannot imagine living now.
.-= Melizzard´s last blog ..25 things that will happen when your iphone battery dies, and evidently IT. WILL. DIE. =-.
I love how honest you are with yourself, with us, and with Wally (since he reads all this).
You’ve touched on something that I am dealing with myself, because I am pretty sure I am coming to a crossroads: the permanent “next step”. He keeps hinting that he is going to ask. It’s been over 3 years (on & off). At first, he was my super passionate person (I, *cough* might have been the crazy one), but things have chilled and now, after 3 years, it’s very, very … safe. The good news is is that we aren’t destructive enough to get in each others way anymore and things are very even keel. The bad news is that we aren’t passionate enough either and things are very even keel. To add, we are so intertwined in each other’s children’s lives that to NOT get married might be a painful extraction to all involved.
At some point, getting married has shifted from something I ached to do just to spend my life with someone, to “a good idea”.
I don’t really know what to do with that.
Is this why your in-laws hate you?
.-= Leisa Hammett´s last blog ..GO See It! =-.