“Payton is a complex boy.
“Why does he have to make things so complex?!”
Complex, complex, complex.
I’ve been using that word a lot to describe Payton and this path of raising a child like him.
But is it true? Can I know it is absolutely true, Payton is complex?
Maybe Payton is the one who is simple. And the world is full of complex schizophrenics off their meds.
School is complex, perhaps more so now than before as our society becomes more schizophrenic, but I can’t know that is true either. So what do I know?
Complexity = confusion.
God, do I know it. My mind has been a rat in a wheel, spinning around and around with complex thoughts. It’s time to get off the wheel that goes no where.
What do I possibly have instead? A simple kid entering a complex environment of confusion.
Why would I expect that transition to go smoothly? Why do we expect him to go happily into this, to go without a fuss or fight?
Payton wants to read. His near photographic memory commits the information in his brain and he devours non-fiction books in his interests (which actually extends beyond marine biology) faster than I can supply them. And so he wants to read harder books. Of course he does. Why read books that offer you no new information or, in the case of fiction, new entertainment? Simple sense, right there.
It seems simple, doesn’t it? A child loves to read. Children need to grow their reading skills, an admirable and worthy goal of schooling. This child wants to read harder books, which will naturally grow his reading skills, thus reaching the school’s goal. Simple, simple, simple. It can’t get any more simple than that!
But no.
Said child can only read books in this section right here, only the section this computer test says you should read. We’re sorry there are no non-fiction books of interest, really, few non-fiction books period in our library. Yes, your mother offered to donate more non-fiction books to our shelves and we never got back to her. But you still must stay in this little section right here that this computer tests says you must stay in, regardless.
Who is making this complicated?
Payton wants to learn. He wants to learn new things, grow his knowledge, he wants to hurry up to college so he can teach other people about marine science. And save the planet. And all endangered animals. And trees. Basically, he wants to save us from ourselves. Learn, move on, learn, move on, learn, move on. This is all he wants. It sounds simple.
But no.
Payton, you must do this worksheet that you did in 2nd grade. You must prove again and again and AGAIN mastery of this subject. You have to wait for the other kids to grasp it too. You can’t go forward. Wait, wait, wait. You may not act out in boredom and frustration. Wait patiently and quietly. Wait because no child will be left behind, though we’re well aware this also means no child gets ahead. Wait.
Who is making learning complicated?
Why does anyone expect a child like him to go quietly into mediocrity?
Note: This idea of complexity is confusion isn’t my own. Of course it isn’t because there are no new ideas, just like there are no new problems, as per Byron Katie. I read it in Byron Katie’s work. I think she’s one of the most insightful people into human behavior of our time and this entire post is me doing her “process” publicly on my blog. You moms out there like me, I can’t recommend her work enough to help you work through your mindset of your child and how he/she fits into the world.
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And the pendulum swings again. You seem to be feeling better about things. Maybe that IV Burbon drip helped? Is it creepy to tell you I LOVE you? Well, at the very least, you’re an inspiration as a mother – an imperfect, awesome mother constantly reevaluating her perceptions and trying her damnedest to do what’s best for her kids. Thanks for being MY light-bearer, too.
.-= McMama´s last blog ..Allowance plus school supplies equals fiscal responsibility? =-.
McMama: I’m not sure if I’ve swung on the pendulum yet. I mean, I still have to get him to (gag) conform to school to a manageable degree. But yes, my perspective needed readjusting. Though I still have to get him conformed, despite understanding his perspective. That will be easy. Also, thank you for the love – the support feels good right now.
It SHOULD be so simple…child wants to learn, give him the tools to learn. Child wants to read harder books, by all means let him try. Why do I have a feeling I will be fighting similar battles once Connor starts school? Will you be available as a consultant?
I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating…Heather, you are an awesome mother and Payton is the luckiest kid to have you as his mother.
Hey Shannon: I’ll give you a family discount on my consultation fee!
It sounds like there should be an easy fix but THAT would be TOO easy right?
Just remember you were paired with him for a reason. Finding that reason through all the headaches is the challenge.
Hang in there girl. You’ll look back on this and laugh one day.
Just not today.
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..At This Rate I’ll Have To Adopt, Or Borrow Your Husband =-.
Keyona: I would love to laugh at it sooner rather than later. Maybe tomorrow?
WTF? As a mother of a child who will start kindergarten next year (meaning I am looking at schools this year) I am APPALLED that kids are being restricted to certain sections at the library. The LIBRARY people!! OMG I can’t even write about this absurdity.
I’m glad you have calmed down a bit but now I am all riled up!
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..Thirty eight =-.
No child left behind, such bullshit. It’s just a bunch of apptitude tests, and way too structured learning.
This reminds me of my second grade year. I was placed in the most remedial reading group and my mother got irate. I was reading chapter books, for Christ’s sake! She said something to my teacher about it, but was told that I had been assessed and that’s where I belonged. She hemmed and hawed and bitched to anyone that would listen. Finally, the guidance counselor brought me to her office twice a week for a couple of months and gave me test after test after test. In the end, I was placed in a fifth grade reading class. I had to leave my classroom every day to go to the reading group. My teacher hated it!
I say fight it. Be a bitch, sometimes it’s the only way to get things done!
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..Fresh Ink =-.
Maybe the child is just bored out of his gourd. Have you tried contacting a private school that has a curriculum based on the students needs rather than their own? One that will adjust to his levels instead of him adjusting down?
I know these schools are pricey but sometimes you can get a scholarship for the right child. I would check into it if you haven’t already. It is a shame to waste a mind. I am a firm believer of use it or lose it. If he isn’t challenged intellectually in school it could cause more than behavioral problems.
And I know because I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. Meaning I am no expert.
.-= Coco´s last blog ..NATURAL INSECTICIDES =-.
I’ve been reading along all week and being unable to comment.
I think that our educational system teaches to the mediocrity. It’s paper pushing, repetition, and if you are unfortunate enough to be gifted, they will drain it out of you. It’s no surprise to me that all the truly creative and interesting people are generally miserable in school.
I so wish that I had the answers. I think gin may play a part.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Things That I Worry Will Happen While I am on Vacation =-.
Is he allowed to bring his own books?
I completely understand your frustration… both with him and the school system. Sometimes, when they’re “intelligent” for their age, we forget that… well, they’re still emotionally immature.
And dammit, *I* have a hard time sitting still when I’m bored. My son was finally allowed to bring his own book (reading at an 11th grade level by 5th grade) to school, and allowed to read it whenever he finished his work early, or while the other kids were doing reading as a group.
.-= Kay´s last blog ..My Sister, My Friend… =-.
My daughter could read better than most adults by second grade. She was only allowed to check out books from the school library from her “section.” No exceptions.
In 1st grade they put her in the Accelerated Reader program and sent home a Madeline book. She was plowing through the Little House on the Prairie series at home, and they sent home a Madeline book with large type and mostly illustrations on each page. I was like, do her teachers have a single clue what her reading level is because this is an effing joke!
Then she announced to them that she didn’t want to do Accelerated Reader (I wonder why) and they let her quit. Without telling me. Just because she didn’t want to do it.
And that is why we went to private school and never looked back.
Have you ever considered home schooling Payton?
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Late Night Notes To Self =-.
I had the same problems as a kid but was so so very lucky to have a wonderful librarian who pushed me to read outside of my section of the library. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for how much she helped me.
Have you considered Montessori school? Honestly, I know very little about it, but from what I hear they group kids in a more organic way and allow for more individualism than a public school. (Don’t get me started on no child left behind…) That being said, I imagine all of the awesome hippie goodness they offer probably comes with a proportionate price tag…
.-= valerie´s last blog ..Oh. Oh my… =-.
How about you checking out books from the public library for him? (do they have much that he likes there?)
.-= joeinvegas´s last blog ..E wet =-.
Well, the pendulum of perspective is really what I meant. Because perspective makes a hell of a lot of difference in how we feel, how we act, everything. As for the support… See? This blogging thing isn’t so bad after all.
.-= McMama´s last blog ..Allowance plus school supplies equals fiscal responsibility? =-.
I know this isn’t always possible, but it would be so awesome if he could attend a Montessori school. Montessori would be PERFECT for a kid like him.
.-= rimarama´s last blog ..Just Call Me Hawkeye =-.
To answer the overall Montessori/Private school question: Previously the Montessori only went through preschool. This year they opened up into elementary school, but only up to the 2nd grade. Let’s say it all together…ugh! Private schools are all religious based (all of them, I’m not kidding) here and aren’t what I feel would be any better of a fit than where we are now.
The library/book thing: Yes, he can bring his own book. This year he is keeping a book in class for their free reading time. Last year, I was told he was absolutely allowed to choose whatever he wanted to read. They conveniently left out the part “as long as it’s in the section of his test score.”
Someone might have already suggested this but I haven’t read the other comments. Why not make a deal with him, and with the teachers. Go to your public library and get him more advanced books that he likes to read. When he has finished his work in class, and has nothing else do to, he can take out one of his level of books until it’s ready to move on with the class. You can use it as a bargaining chip. If he misbehaves, he can’t have his level books with him for like, I don’t know, a week or something. And if they use that bullshit excuse that “it’s not fair to the other studants who are doing their work and he is reading … blah blah blah”. Really? Cause it’s not fair to punish a child and make them sit there and do nothing while the other kids are still doing their work. Hell, even I wouldn’t be able to do that. Which is why I was always in trouble in school for writting notes and poems!!!! LOL
Does any of that make sense? I have hard time putting my thoughts into … writing!
The paragraph about reading books only from this section sparked a long-buried memory. When I was in grade 3, I was told that I wasn’t allowed in THAT section of the library because it was for the kids in grade 5 and up (even though I had a high reading level). Back then, all it took was a call from my mom and a word from the teacher and I was all set to read books from anywhere my little heart desired.
Why is there so much red tape today?
.-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..When the pills are not enough =-.
I can’t believe you’re writing on the great nonfiction vs fiction debate today: I just heard the greatest interview on NPR by an author of boys books, defending nonfiction/reference reading for boys in the classroom. Our son is now in 5th grade, but his 2nd grade teacher FREAKED OUT because he would only read nonfiction, reference material. She said it was “one of the signs” and a “redflag.”
Anyway: NPR interviewed this author by the name of John Coy. Fascinating interview: he was a H.S. English teacher, and it was so hard to get boys in his classes interested in reading fiction, as he was told he had to do. He questioned what he had been taught/told about “Nonfiction” reading dangers.
He now writes for boys, and defends their love of nonfiction, reference material. He noticed that in his classroom, the boys all wanted to take home the “Guiness Book” and the SeaCreatures encyclopedia, etc. The girls were reading chapter books, “Little House” series, etc.
He questioned why not let them read the reference material? That’s what they all gather around, the Time/Life Book of Records, and such.
Anyway, if you click on “NPR+John Coy” interview, it’s an exciting earful. All about boys and their love of nonfiction reading, and how that has to be OK.
I loved it. Our son is now entering 6th, and weekly checks out the Deep Sea Creatures books, and Insects Encyclopedias. He has enough fiction reading assigned to him in the classroom, his enjoyment reading can be reference material if that’s what he likes.
I know it will probably surprise you (well, not really) to learn that Payton’s school is very behind the times in this area. Research is showing that student choice and non-fiction resources are two of the keys to the development of successful readers. Here are some resources if you want to fight this battle.
http://ies.ed.gov/ncee/wwc/reports/beginning_reading/arrr/
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3614/is_200607/ai_n17174722/
http://content.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3343
http://www.clemson.edu/centers-institutes/houston/documents/nonfiction.pdf
.-= LSM´s last blog ..The Shack =-.
Childhood should be more simple, right?!
.-= the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..i swear i was 27 like 5 minutes ago =-.
I’ve been amazed by the tolerance for mediocrity ahead here too. We’re having a fabulous preschool experience, but when I look down the road I find public schools that are required to identify potentially gifted kids, but not to do anything to serve their needs. Its crazy!
Thanks for the book rec. Will put Byron Katie on my library list.
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..One way to recycle a tire from NASA =-.
Montessori popped into my mind as a solution, too. We don’t have any close to us, either. Bummer.
I wonder how Einstein would have done in today’s society. He definitely would not have fit into this little box we have created and labelled as “normal.” This whole library thing is a complete joke. Only, it’s not…because you’re stuck dealing with small minds. Unbelievable.
.-= Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..Haiku Friday: Soccer Mom =-.
I meant to comment the last time you wrote about the stupidness of the school library (but a squirmy 5 1/2month old didn’t allow it… as it is, he’s sleeping on me and i’m typing with one hand).
WHEN did he take the test that determines wat he can/cannot read? Instead of reading something in the school library, can you bring some books from home for him to read instead? I’m sure the school could check them over to make sure they were acceptable. Maybe he could retake the library test? I know he doesn’t like tests, but maybe if you stress to him the importance of it (if you do well, you will be allowed to read the harder books!) he will do it.
OTOH, I TOTALLY understand the reading frustration Payton is going through. In 2nd grade I was reading above a 9th grade level, and by 4th, I was above 12th grade. I don’t remember my school library being restrictive though. During the summer, I would walk the 2 miles to the library (once I was about 11/12 years old) and take out 15 books at a time, and read every single one before they were due back (i think it was about 10-14 days). Even now, I can read the later Harry Potter books cover to cover in less than a day…well, I could before I had my LO.
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Happy 4th of July! =-.
I’ve been keeping up with this crap you’re having to deal with, Heather, and the frustrations Payton is dealing with, and ARGH! It’s so sad that with this whole NCLB garbage, no child can get ahead, either. I don’t ever remember having any restrictions on what I could read. In middle school I was one of the stars of the Accelerated Reader program, and by sixth grade, the only books that kept my interest were the 12+ level books. The whole stay in your “section” thing at libraries is ridiculous!
And Alexandra, and anybody else who can provide insight, how is a young boy wanting to read nonfiction and reference material a “red flag” or “one of the signs”? For autism? Aspergers? (Forgive any naivete I may show)….the whole process by which those are diagnosed totally need rewritten. Anybody ever stop to think that maybe the kid just thinks the fiction he’s “supposed” to read is for babies compared to what he CAN read? Because, hello, it probably is! I would be THRILLED to have my kid, or were I a teacher, my students, to want to read and LEARN about the world around them! That’s the whole freaking point of school!!!!
*ahem* off my soapbox now…
I feel for you and Payton, I really do. I wish there were a school out there that fit.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..The Bereaved Mother =-.
I just caught up on your week. Gah. I’m sorry, I’d like to bring over a bottle of something. My kids are younger but your concerns and the way you go back and forth between frustration with him for not being able (willing?) to conform his behavior and being frustrated with the system for being average and boring and inflexible really resonate with me. I have absolutely no interest in homeschooling my kids, I can’t afford private options for all of them and I’m afraid of the way public schools teach to the middle. Well, I suck, I have nothing to offer you, I just want you to know I’m here and I’m learning from you.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Short and Sweet =-.
I have NO good advice for you. I read and just have flashbacks of my childhood (one that involved covert operations to the library for “real” books that I would take to school in my backpack and sneak out and read when I was bored – my mom was fine with me arguing with teachers over why my biography of Florence Nightingale was way better reading than see spot poop or whatever.)
But I went to the Byron Katie site and got through the first four paragraphs of the free two chapters of A Thousand Names for Joy before my brain broke. Reading the line “No one knows what’s good and what’s bad.” gave me a chill.
Which book did you read that you loved?
.-= jennydecki´s last blog ..My Pregnancy Craving: Cherry Slurpees =-.
Jenny: We actually did a six week class on her work, so I guess it was more of a compilation of all of her stuff. It’s definitely something you have to take in small doses and process, at least for me. I don’t get or necessarily agree with every single thing she says (because that would be mindless and contradictory to her teaching. we’re supposed to question, after all), but I certainly glean more than enough to call it transformative.
Lynn: Unfortunately there are no laws that give advanced children the same rights as those in special ed, such as an IEP. The once-a-week gifted programs are often “token” programs, still not giving many gifted children an “appropriate education.” He does have something to read (he keeps his own book in class) when he finishes his work, but the issue of appropriate education for advanced children goes further than just that.
Free and appropriate education is not just for kids who need special ed – it is for kids who are advanced too… there should be something for him to read when he finishes his assignments before everyone else. Good luck!
.-= lynn craig´s last blog ..Get Cookin’! =-.
For the class we used Byron Katie’s CD series called “Your Inner Awakening”
If Bonus brings home one more fucking Clifford the Big Red Dog book, I’ll puke.
.-= Amo´s last blog ..Fried Eggs, Anyone? =-.
I’ve wanted to write a blog post, at least, in response to the last time I commented, and haven’t found the right words… How do you distill 9 years of living and learning (the amount of time we’ve been unschooling) into one blog post? But I believe I can at least answer your question, so I’m still working on it.
One thing I wanted to say, for sure, though, was: it’s not Payton. Don’t blame Payton. When the system is f’ed up, don’t blame the kids caught in it for not wanting to fit in – they KNOW what’s f’ed up! It seems like you got a little glimpse of that through doing The Work.
You might also ask the questions on, “He has to conform to school”.
.-= Dharmamama´s last blog ..What I Offer =-.
Dharmamama: Well, in the large picture of it all, I can’t say anything is true, even God. But in the human game and the imperfect world we live in, yes, he does have to learn to conform *some*, though I don’t expect him to conform to the degree everyone else does. As his mom, yes, I want him to learn the give and take of living along side other people. It’s a fine balance between his spirit and living in this world.
This sucks and pisses me off. Let the child read what he wants!! But on the glass-half-full side, at least you’re actively participating in Payton’s education and not just blindly accepting whatever the boneheads at his school are telling you. What more can you do than that? If private/Montessori schools aren’t an option, I guess you just keep supplementing what the school lacks as much as you can – and stay on those bastards like white on rice.
And tell George Bush and his No Child Left Behind cronies to suck it.
That’s so frustrating!! He can only read things from his “section”?!?!
I now know how lucky I was that my parents ended up moving from the small town they were from to a larger city when I was 3 years old. The city had great programs/classes for gifted children. I tested as gifted, then was put in the gifted classes from fourth grade onward. I remember thinking how sorry I felt for the kids in the regular classes who didn’t have the opportunities to go on as many field trips and do interesting things as we did. I can’t imagine how bored out of my mind I would have been in regular classes.
.-= avonlea´s last blog ..Fabulous Friday =-.
My husband calls it “No Child Left in Front.” I read through my entire library as a child. Then the county’s library. I was lucky and had teachers that really encouraged reading, and reading anything that struck our interest.
This really irked me. Because my son (coincidentally named Parker) was told the same thing. To read his ‘level’ of books. And yes, our public school uses the AR system. Which in theory is great. But he’s stuck reading silly little books that he cares nothing for because that’s his grade level. So we’ve been buying him books willy-nilly from B&N, books a million, etc. He read the entire Harry Potter series last year. (in 3rd grade). And yes, he understood them, b’c he passed w/flying colors every SINGLE test on that A/R system. And he’s having to do math for the past 2 yrs he did in 1st grade in an out of state school. He teacher said it could be a review. FOR TWO YEARS?? Had him tested for gifted. They said he didn’t quite pass- the biggest reason? He couldn’t recite strings of numbers. Seriously? Why didn’t that genious gifted tester who looks almost 17 ask him about last year’s college bowl series? Give him a team, he’ll give you the score, the MVP, and his stats! No, he didn’t give a rip about that bonehead’s silly little test. Oh, and on the library books? He had to have 24 A/R points to ‘pass’ 3rd grade reading. He finished the year with 316. The most in his grade. But YES, by all means, let’s limit our kids however we can! (AND we’re supposed to be in the ‘best’ school system in the parish. I guess every thing is relative.)