The Next Great Marital Debate: Pedicures or the Poor House
Posted by Heather in Marital Bon Mot
Hi, my name is Heather and I have a drinking problem. My husband royally screwed up our bank account and now I’m forced to buy extremely cheap wine. Save me from destruction.
Reader, I obviously need your help settling a marriage dispute between Wally and me.
A year ago (more or less), I decided 11 years of carrying 80% of the marriage responsibility was long enough. Yes, quite long enough. I became disillusioned with marriage. It was so one-sided! It benefited the man more than the woman!
As I pointed out over at TMHs, when you get married, research proves men actually gain an hour of free time a week while the woman gains 7 hours of more work. What the fuck? Fuck that shit! And all those other expletives that could be used to convey a sense of ridiculousness and outrage.
I even threw away sexy but tasteful and flattering lingerie in my protest. Threw it in the trash. Do you know how hard it is to find those three qualities in lingerie after having children? Nigh impossible when you’re dealing with a lower stomach mutilated with stretch marks and loose skin after carrying a 9.5 lb beluga whale pup all out in front.
But I’d be damned if keeping the spark alive was all my responsibility, or keeping our money straight was all my responsibility, or running every single thing about our life but the bread winning paycheck would be ALL my responsibility.
(I am woman, tossing quality lingerie away. Hear me roar!)
Apparently throwing away lingerie will get your husband’s attention, or at least mine. After my tantrum, we reevaluate the balance in our marriage, understood things in a new way, did some reshuffling and change the things that were no longer working after a decade of matrimony. Wally also bought new pajamas for himself.
Good, right?
And things changed for the better, if “change for the better” means my life began to eerily resemble a Happy Days episode. Wally took over the finances and cub scout meetings, I baked more cookies and…um, shaved my legs more often?
I don’t remember the exact changes we agreed on, I only know the weight of 100% financial responsibility was off my shoulders and that was something. I no longer felt so overwhelmed keeping up with PTA meetings, class parties, dentist appointments, play dates, birthday parties, menu planning, grocery shopping, teacher conferences, homework, test schedules, spelling words, lunch boxes, clean clothes, outgrown clothes, holey socks, and dirty dishes (my god, I think I just shit a crinoline skirt) on top of our finances.
So things went merrily along in this traditional manner. Until I discovered the Economics class Wally took in college was actually for the mentally impaired. And he almost failed.
Without going into the details, let’s just say it’s imperative that I take the finances back over.
Great.
But the great scales of blind marital justice must be balanced! It’s only fair that since I am taking this bill paying stuff back over, I give something up, right?
But what to give up?
Laundry? As much as that would make my heartstrings sing, Wally also accidently on purpose sabotages the laundry, ruining clothes. Not an option, mostly because I’ve seen our check register and I can’t replace a wardrobe right now.
Should he perform my home pedicures since it’s all I can afford?
Take over kitchen cleaning duty on the weekends?
Conduct my home bikini waxes since I can’t afford a professional?
I know. He should do my 30-Day Shred exercises for me.
Or construct a shrine in honor of my financial brilliance, made completely from neighborhood construction cast-offs and duct tape?
What should it be? We must have balance.
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Clean. Definitely have him clean. Alot.
Oh it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Just face it. You are better off doing every damn thing yourself. Except for labor. Give him a mop and tell him to get to work.
.-= Coco´s last blog ..NATURAL INSECTICIDES =-.
Give up some of those cub scout meetings, homework, and holey socks. I tell you what. I do almost everything but here are things I REFUSE to do:
Anything car related
Anything yard related
Anything trash related
Anything dog related
Anything toilet related (his not mine, yes we have separate bathrooms because you know, ew)
Anything customer service realted. (He spent 2 weeks calling DELL everyday to get my money back and we know how FUCKING RIDICULOUS it can be having to talk to those people in India)
Yeah, we’re balanced.
)
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..Titles Are Overrated =-.
I would go with the shrine. Duct take and vino de box.
Yeah, we tried that whole “husband pays all the bills” thing at our house too, and it, too was an epic failure. He didn’t even make a bill basket! How can you pay bills if you don’t have a bill basket!?!? Gah! Everyone knows that…
I vote for him taking over kitchen duties on the weekend, by the way.
Kitchen cleaning on weekends? How about every night?! And, put him on the birthday party circuit. Every dad needs a taste of that.
I say the balance is struck when my husband handles all the DELL calls. When I hear him for the 3rd day in a row, shouting as loud as he can while he gives his account number again for the 27th time to someone whose name is Pratapuk, I could just die from laughing while I hide behind the pile of dishes in the kitchen.
Anything DELL related, and I’ll call it balanced.
Everyone, please. You’re causing Wally to have seizures by mentioning the word “Dell” on this blog. He is a total Mac snob. And since Macs rarely crash, it can’t come close to balance.
i’m a mac snob too.
make him perform…
pedicures. make sure your feet are super dry first. then hand him a pumice stone and tell him to not stop until your feet shine like the top of the chrysler building. oh wait, that sounds familiar, like from annie…
then make him mop the floors. and clean cobwebs. AND…clean the toilets and soap rings around the tub.
.-= melissa´s last blog ..When Commercials Go Too Far =-.
After reading this…I realize my Husband does nothing around the house…NOTHING:P “Honey…what time will you be home tonight? We need to talk…things are gonna change…”
.-= Nap Warden´s last blog ..Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes =-.
Ok no more “DELL” references. Because we all agree that “DELL” sucks and I am no longer a “DELL” owner. Now Toshiba is a different story….
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..Titles Are Overrated =-.
Pedicures and massages – with no sex involved (if I could get a good massage out of my husband without him thinking it’s going to lead somewhere I would be a happy girl!) And definitely a shrine and he needs to clean out the fridge after mixing you a drink.
I can happily say that I pulled that one off early. I did the, “I don’t know. I just pay something when I feel like it.” The day we got married, FG took over all the bills. I haven’t a clue! (and I keep that way) Thankfully it’s worked for 15 + years so I don’t see anything changing.
I say “all of the above” and rent him out to your friends. You know, for repairs.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..The Illiterati =-.
I agree with a previous poster – you are better off doing it yourself. I’ve tried going the route of not picking up J’s stuff off the floor or leaving glasses and dishes of his around the house, but he doesn’t get it. And then I get sick of the huge pile. Never-ending vicious cycle.
.-= LZ @ My Messy Paradise´s last blog ..Top Ten Thursday: Buh-Bye Summer… =-.
Kitchen cleaning (including dishes) and bathroom cleaning.
.-= Lilacspecs´s last blog ..What She Said =-.
For a minute I thought I was going to be able to send a link to my hubby and prove to him once and for all that just because “he has a job” doesn’t mean he’s off the hook on parenting and housework. Looks like this is the “norm?” I’m crushed. So wen haven’t found ANY balance yet? This just doesn’t seem quite right.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Why? (Part 1) =-.
Wow I am suddenly thankful that my husband does a decent job with the finances. That was one thing I was all ready to turn over once we got married. I might have even walked down the aisle with our bill basket in my hand instead of a bouquet. But since Wally is not as gifted in that area (LMAO at your college course comment), I say put him to work on all automotive, landscaping and household jobs. Things I specifically hate: mopping floors, vacuuming, changing cat boxes, trash, changing light bulbs in odd places (hallways, closets), washing towels and sheets (maybe he won’t sabatoge those since he uses them too?), and hey why can’t HE go to PTA meetings?
In the meantime, cheap wine does not have to be bad. I am a connoisseur, particularly fond of the $5.99 per bottle Barefoot brand, or in times of true economic hardship, Winking Owl for $3.29 at Aldi. For serious.
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..Passing the halfway mark =-.
Kitchen cleaning duty, EVERY day. I mean, no man will wax my vajayjay. God only knows where that wax would end up!
Pedicure? He’d probably paint boobies on your toe nails.
.-= Robina´s last blog .. =-.
i like your kitchen cleaning idea. but i think he could also FOLD the laundry after you’ve washed/dried it….
and he can be in charge of all outside stuff.
and let him help w/ the school/social calendar. maybe rotate. one month pto, the next birthday parties….
sorry about the finances. but at least you have the humor!
.-= mpotter´s last blog ..stranger danger =-.
Get him to do the pedi think, and learn how to do foot massage. And perhaps wash your hair – nice having somebody else do that, wouldn’t it?
As for the at home bikini wax: I am still available to help with that part.
.-= joeinvegas´s last blog ..Road trip – Ely to Vegas =-.
Yeah, my husband is good at math (he’s a math teacher for crying out loud!) but he cannot pay a bill on time to save his life. So I do all the bills around here… but he does all the dishes… most of the time. That is one of my least favorite chores… that and cleaning the bathroom, but I haven’t gotten him to do that one yet…
Good luck!
we started out far more balanced than we’ve ended up. Even though we had my two girls to begin with, something about me becoming a stay at home mom with our son meant that I ended up taking over some of ‘his’ chores. The move to England really, really set him back a couple of decades. We’re back now and I’m working on giving the vacueming and the cat box back to him.
But I’ll admit. though I was the money handler and did it very well in my first marriage and my second singlehood, somehow, when I married this guy, I forgot all about bills and payments. It’s sad really. Something about having that second income just made me start spending all my earnings as if his grad student stipend could adquately substitute for my actual 40 hour a week job. It didn’t. He took over the bill paying, induced me to set up an automatic transfer on my payday into the joint account and made it work.
I briefly took over when we moved to California and I became a stay at home mom. Like Wally, in less than one year I managed to royally frak it up, and he took over again. And, I went back to work to help dig us out of the hole I’d created.
Dishes, opening and sorting mail, taking out trash and recycles, cleaning.
.-= the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..i’m installing a bathroom in my car =-.
I say he keeps the checkbook and deals with the consequences or accidentally on purpose acting as if it’s too complicated for him to master!
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Do You Know Where The ______ Is =-.
A shrine. Definitely a shrine.
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Millions of Ideas =-.
I vote for him doing The Shred for you. Level 3. All The Time
.-= Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Bunnicide: A Tale of Murder and Mayhem =-.
I have a neighbor w/ four kids ages 8-4. She has a job for each of them such as emptying the dishwasher, sorting socks, putting clothes away, etc. Maybe you could give him the 4 year old’s list and move up from there.
We had the same ‘finance issues’ at our house recently. He realized I was playing the postal game with them rather than mailing the bills IMMEDIATELY. He freaked the hell out and took it back over. Last week, he paid a $350 cell bill and a $200 utility bill TWICE IN THE SAME FUCKING DAY.
Now we’re all eating peanut butter on hot dog buns. Good times, my friend. Good times.
.-= Amo´s last blog ..What Do You Do for a Drunken Sailor? =-.
Dude, I totally hate that whole accidentally on purpose sabotage that men do. They learn early and pull it off so well. Bastards.
If you figure out a way to make it balance, I swear you will be onto a million dollar seller. I’m starting to accept that things are just not fair and equal in marriage. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is.
.-= Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..Seven =-.