Sometimes I think I am the greatest wife in the world. Part of my greatness, aside from my effervescent charm and gourmet cookies, is achieved through lists.
Oh, how I love lists.
My grocery list? Is divided up into categories (staples, canned, dairy, frozen, etc.), and it doesn’t stop there. The categories are in the order of the shopping aisles of my local Super Wal-Mart. You won’t find me backtracking in Wal-Mart.
Whenever I have a big event coming up, like a birthday party or my entire family staying for Mardi Gras, I take list making to new heights. I become a complete and total list whore.
When family visits, my house must be absolutely clean, including the baseboards and the sliver of flooring behind the toilet. Because I know my family will get down on their hands and knees and inspect my baseboards, and if they can not lick an accidental drip of fondue cheese off of them, I will be shamed forever. SHAMED!
And if my pantries (yes, I have more than one) aren’t a testament to Martha Stewart and her organizational skills with lined baskets, the world will swallow me whole then shit me out in purgatory where I will spend eternity organizing pantries that never stay organized.
Wait a minute. That sounds like my real life pantry. What the hell? Have I died and gone to purgatory and don’t know it? I suppose that’s what I get for not reading the Bible. But shit, I have a MacBook and WiFi in purgatory, so at least it’s a purgatory for white-collar yuppies.
With all the preparation I put into hosting a family gathering, it’s easy to see how I might get a tad overwhelmed. This is how lists save the day.
I write down everything that needs to be done, organized by the day the chore needs to be done. Really, you don’t want to clean your refrigerator out too soon in advance or else you’ll end up having to do it again.
But what do my lists have to do with being the greatest wife? Because it sounds like I’m always shoving a honey-do list in Wally’s face, doesn’t it? Well, no one likes a list harpy!
(Which is why I call myself a list whore and the ‘whore’ part makes Wally happy. Jedi mind tricks are so easy on the weak-minded.)
Truthfully, I’ve never made a honey-do list. Ever. In 13 years of marriage.
Instead, I made a couple-do list and it’s things we are to achieve “together.” It’s like Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson singing about ebony and ivory all over again – it fits because I have jet black hair and we’re white.
So I have the couple-do list…well, ok, two of them. Or maybe three. Anyway, I have these multiple lists and we were going to work together as a team. Rah!
But then I get a loving hair up my ass. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, really. I find myself crying over commercials and talking about a cat that died 6 years ago. And then I cried during The Perfect Storm movie, during a scene that shouldn’t involve tears.
I stood at my kitchen counter, feeling all teary and hormonal, and decided I would do a good and wonderful thing for my husband and start working on the couple-do list BEFORE THE WEEKEND. How sweet of me! And so thoughtful to spare my husband.
This is what great and wonderful wives do because that would free up our weekend for quality family time, say, over foam and sticker crafts. Wheee! Like, Daddy could bond with his sons over glitter!
I am SO THE GREATEST WIFE IN THE WORLD!
Only now I’ve had to work hard vacuuming up glitter and cleaning baseboards and vacuuming glitter and wiping dirty fingerprints off of walls, door jams and doors, and vacuuming glitter, and organizing pantries, and vacuuming glitter.
This white-collar yuppie purgatory isn’t that great after all. And I think Satan invented glitter.
Obviously I am a housecleaning genius, no? I can kick Fly Lady’s ass all the way to aisle 8 in Super Wal-Mart, which according to my list, is the chip and soft drink aisle. As you know, I’m a giver, not a taker, so I will gladly give my housewife knowledge to you FOR FREE. And if you aren’t satisfied within 90 days, you can give my advice back FOR FREE.
All you have to do is click here with your burning housewife questions, such as how do you make your cookies so freaking awesome, oh wise Heather. Or! Will Johnny Depp play your gypsy lover in the movie based on your life, Chocolat Cookie?
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Is it bad that I read ‘pantries’ as ‘panties’? Then I sort of imagined you sitting in purgatory sorting piles of underpants.
Yes. I’m weird.
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..Warmth =-.
I do that too, with the grocery list. Very efficient.
OMG! BF thought I was a total nutjob because I do the same thing with my lists.
EVERYTHING goes on a list. I organize the grocery lists and even what needs to be pre-cooked and packed before we go camping. Household chores goes on lists as to their importance and how much time it will take to do them. Which dog to wash first etc…
Good to know I’m not the only one out there that does that. I was seriously considering help.
And, I heard somewhere that Glitter is like the Herpes of the craft world… Stay away from that stuff. It never goes away.
I love lists too, particularly for planning parties. And I made a template for my big grocery lists in Microsoft Word that I use to organize my shopping trips. But my house is a disaster area, so if you’re ever in the mood to clean someone else’s house or organize someone else’s pantry give ma a call!
.-= Jill´s last blog ..There but for the grace of God… =-.
i do like my lists, too.
problem is— i don’t always get TO the lists i make.
so i guess nobody told me the accomplishment is in the follow-through.
kudos to you for getting it done (early no doubt).
oh, and glitter?? i dread the day!
.-= mpotter´s last blog ..stranger danger =-.
Could we please have a hyperspeed vlog on this??? Pretty please???
I love love love lists as well. If only executing the list were as fun as making it.
.-= Belle´s last blog ..In case you were wondering about our sense of humor… =-.
I do the exact same thing with my grocery list. I write everything down as I think of it, then re-write it according to the categories and aisles.
And my husband does all the grocery shopping! So I do this for him and not at all beause I have control issues.
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Touchstone =-.
Sounds like OCD at it’s finest. You have to give us a snapshot of one of your list. You know as an example. Are baseboards on your list? You are hilarious!
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..My Marine =-.
But, glitter makes everything better – you should be throwing handfuls around not vacuuming it up. (get a better vacuum)
.-= joeinvegas´s last blog ..E Friday – local transportation =-.
The vacation list is the one that is my crowning achievement. Which bags are needed, what goes in each bag, followed by what order and where they go in the car for optimal packing efficiency. And of course a seperate list for the extras that will be in the riding area.
I don’t know who started it but there is definitely a Saint Listus somewhere in history!
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..So Now What?! =-.
My mom passed her list making habit on to me- I love lists. And the greatest feeling is to cross something off a list.
Really.
Peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Things I Am Tired Of =-.
Honey, you kick Fly Lady’s ass! Damn! In fact, put ‘kickin’ Fly Lady’s ass’ on your to do list. Then put “Head to FADKOG’s house and show her how it’s done.’ Because I can make a mean list, and then, well, to be honest, I tend to burn out after that.
.-= foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..future employers, take heed! =-.
a couple’s list? that’s an awesome idea. i heart lists too.
.-= the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..don’t you hate when moms blog about poop? =-.
OK I was with you on the making categorized lists for the grocery store. But after that, you won. Totally and completely. I’m actually TIRED reading this post.
.-= Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Dog is My Co-Pilot =-.
you can clean baseboards? damn…..
.-= Madge´s last blog ..Grace In Small Things – Part 1 of 365 (?) =-.
Nothing wrong with a list. They have to be on paper, though…putting a “strike through” on a font in a document just doesn’t feel as satisfying.
I am very glad to hear I’m not the only one who is a “list whore”. They are everywhere in my house: kitchen counter, fridge door, bathroom mirron, in the car…
I keep a notepad in the car to make lists when I think of them, and if that isn’t satisfying me I will text things to my email to add to a list. Or call home and leave them on the answering machine. However, I don’t scrub baseboards, clean that strip of floor behind the toilet about twice a year, and my pantry looks like someone picked it up and shook it like a snowglobe.
Awesomest thing ever? Last week when I discovered that Hubby had played one of my answering machine list I left for myself (how the hell did he get home before me?!) and DONE THE THINGS ON THE LIST!! Awesomest Hubby!
.-= ‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why!´s last blog ..The Part Where My Head Explodes =-.
1. I have a list of lists that I need to make.
2. I also do a “couple’s-to-do” list but it’s really just a list of shit for the husband to do while I complain that he’s doing it wrong or not fast enough or something. I just call it stuff for “US” to do because it makes him feel better.
3. He NEVER does anything on that list fast enough.
.-= bejewell´s last blog ..Because of 9/11, I Made My Husband Gay on Facebook =-.
List whores of the world unite. I’ve found my people.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..The Hand Waving Makes All the Difference =-.
Heather, I don’t know if you participate but I have given you an award. You certianly qualify for Honest Scrap Blogging.
.-= Coco´s last blog ..I CANNOT TELL A LIE =-.
You scare me.
Because you are me.
And the world has not imploded.
Hi Heather…yeah I’m back. You sound like the old me, before I got ill, I couldn’t stand anyone being in my home unless it was perfect! And the lists! omg, now I can’t do everything I want to anymore and had to learn, and believe me it is STILL hard, to relax about my house keeping, don’t get me wrong my house is still clean, just not as perfect as I would like. It’s great to keep things in order, but not at the cost of your health, so stop to smell the roses along the way, and relax a little! as for the glitter? I love glitter…If anyone sees glitter here I just tell them I’m the glitter fairy! (a name my friends gave me when I was younger and wore lots of glittery things)
.-= Terri´s last blog ..FIVE HUNDRED WORDS OR LESS……. =-.
My coupons are arranged by aisles. I can only shop at one grocery.
.-= Corrin´s last blog ..Red Chair Confessions – A Talbots Giveaway! =-.