Confession Time. Please Prepare Yourself for Anti-Climatic Drama
Posted by Heather in All About Me, This Mom GigI need to get something off my chest.
And it’s not my bra, though I am wearing one of my older, when I was skinnier 34 bras, just to see if I could comfortably wear them again. I sorta of can, so yay me. A cottage cheese & strawberry breakfast may not taste as good as cinnamon rolls, but it’s worth it. I guess.
.
.
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Okay, I’m sitting here, playing with my cuticles, trying to work up the nerve to actually say it. Should I say it? Do I actually put this on the internet, where they say Google is forever.
(Is it me, or do you find that little catch line about Google annoying too? I swear there’s no originality left in the world.)
I don’t want my words typed here to come back and hurt someone in the future, someone I love so very much. You know, when he is old enough to get on the internet unsupervised and perhaps google himself. Holy shit, what am I doing? I should shut this blog down immediately. Or never let him on the Net unsupervised, even when he’s 30.
But really, I need to work this out because it’s bothering me. Couldn’t I just do it in a private journal though? No, I can’t. Because I need outside input, I need to hear your voice too, for whatever co-dependent reasons.
And maybe I’m crazy, but there’s just something about putting certain issues “out there” to make me own them more, force me to work through it until I come out on the other side.
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably preparing yourself for some dramatic confession, such as I can’t bake bread to save my life, even in a fucking bread machine. Wally is the one who has to do the homemade bread thing. That’s totally true. Now that I’ve confessed that dirty homemaker secret, what this post is really about it is going to seem very anti-climatic. I apologize now.
Sometimes I think Payton is weird.
And I don’t mean in that cute, brainy weird way. And I don’t mean that sometimes I’m the only one who understands how his mind works, that’s not weird, people, I’m just fucking awesome way either.
I mean sometimes I see Payton the way other people (kids) see him and understand how/why he could be socially rejected. That kind of weird way.
Shit fuck, people, I’m not blind. Sure my vision may be colored with infinite love, and thank God for that, but I’m not stupid either. I see these things and I find myself at times thinking involuntarily, gosh, he’s so weird.
And just to soothe my mommy guilt, let me go ahead and add the disclaimer that sometimes his weirdness is that cute, brainy, gonna-change-the-world-someday kind of weirdness. And I love it.
But the times it isn’t, I wish I didn’t have that involuntary reaction. But I see now the doors of individuality closing as he gets older. What was toddlerhood antics was then early childhood quirkiness and is now fading into tween weirdness. I feel the doorway of acceptance getting narrower. I hate that I’m falling for it too.
Why does it make me so uncomfortable? Why, damn it? Am I too normal, buying into the status quo more than I care to admit to myself? Maybe. Choosing an alternative path in raising Payton (meaning not the standard path of diagnosis/medication) is probably the most unconventional thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Look at my life; graduated high school, went to college, immediately got married after graduation, had babies after appropriate number of years of marriage, stay at home with the kids, play the good wife who doles out blow jobs at appropriate intervals, bake cookies, make homemade goodies for school parties, volunteer with the PTA. I drive a mini-van for fuck’s sake. A WHITE one, to top if off.
I? Am not weird.
So as I’ve been thinking about this, I thought maybe I need to dabble my life’s paint brush in the palate of weirdness. Turn up my own weird factor, so to speak.
Maybe I should dye my hair pink? Gack, I can’t do that. Maybe paint my toe nails black instead. Ugh, that’s just unfashionably ugly, in my opinion. Trade my mini-van in for a sports car. Wait, that’s what Wally is supposed to do in a couple of years when he begins his mid-life crisis.
I don’t even fucking know how to start uping the weird factor for myself. How in the hell am I going to get more comfortable having a weird kid if I can’t even dye my hair pink? Shit fuck again.
And it’s not even the intellectual weirdness, because I get that. It’s the public weirdness. I don’t get that.
A few weeks ago I was reading on Yahoo an article about what famous women every day women (like you and me) would want to trade places with for 24 hours. I don’t remember who was number one, but I do remember the top picks were Beyoncé and Angelina Jolie.
I guess American women just want to have a chance to screw Brad Pitt, because within 24 hours you must sleep and look who you get to sleep with if you pick Angelina Jolie.
And this is where I realized maybe I am a little weird. Because as I began reading this article, before they got to the list of famous women we’d all want to trade places with, I’d already began forming my own list of who I’d want to trade places with:
Jane Goodall
Mother Teresa (you know, alive, not dead)
Terry Irwin
Michelle Obama
Then I read the winners. I can’t even begin to comprehend the masses, what the hell is wrong with people, you shallow, flaky nitwits?
So I guess compared to the average woman, I am a little weird. On the inside. Where I can keep it hidden.
But I don’t feel like it’s enough. I need to be weirder. Or maybe I need to be more comfortable with public displays of weirdness. I’m not sure.
How do I go about doing that?
(Please pardon any and all typos. I’m sure there are plenty because I’m not rereading this one. It’s not one of those I can go back through and edit. It’s just raw writing straight from my stream of consciousness.)
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I’m telling you, you read my mind, everyday…
Love you, Heather.
P.S. I am so going to borrow that line 100 times over, “Shit, fuck, people, I’m not blind.”
My 9 year old daughter has Aspergers Syndrome and I see her as other kids see her too (and hurt for her). I just take the opportunity,sometimes, to help redirect and talk to her about certain behavior. Otherwise, like you, I’m in awe of just how freaking awesome she is. Hang in there, you’re not alone
.-= Beth´s last blog ..Out of the mouths of babes… =-.
I think Beth has a good point — you need to be able to see the uncomfortable weirdness sometimes to help Payton be able to minimize it when the weirdness manifests in ways that would not help him change the world. After all, there is an extent to which we all need to play well with others to get them to listen to us (and do what we want).
I think connecting with your own weirdness is a great idea. You’ll probably feel more comfortable with it, though, if you pick something you feel passionately about & let the weirdness grow out of that. I’m weird about books. I love them way more than I should. So, I accept that & move on. Believe me, it’s weird here in small town West Texas to pull Pride & Prejudice & Zombies out of my purse while waiting in line at the bank, but the world could use a little more weirdness.
Also, if anyone stands still long enough, I will totally show them pictures of my pet prairie dog. Which is weird, but weird in a way I can back up b/c I like that part of my weirdness. (The mental “Spiral of Doom” version of my weirdness is something I try to keep under wraps, on the other hand.)
.-= TexasRed´s last blog ..Happy to Have Our Prairie Dog Home =-.
I agree too with Beth and TexasRed – by being able to see your son as others see him can only assist you in guiding him through the conformity-driven school years and come out of it secure and confident. Honestly, I’ve thought my sons have both been weird from time to time and neither of them have special needs or learning disabilities. My youngest son is weird in that he hangs out with 1 friend exclusively at school. He’s not into the whole join-the-crowd-and-play-football group on the playground at recess. When his friend is out of school, he just plays on his own. I like the idea of expressing your inner weirdness too and TexasRed; I love the mental “Spiral of Doom”! I used to keep mine under wraps too until I started blogging about it. EEK!
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Germs Everywhere =-.
How about really dark purple toenails that look almost black? That’s my extent of weirdness.
Oh and who the heck would want to trade places with Angelina Jolie? Ick. Someone with more kids than I have. No way. I’d rather stay right here thanks. I can’t even think of someone I’d want to trade places with.
Ok I so lost track of where I was going with this.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Smiling through the gray =-.
The hardest part of mothering is when you realize you have to keep cutting that cord.
I know somewhere along the way I bought into a lie of motherhood that said you will always think your children are “the bee’s knees” and perfect in every way. So the first time I saw my child through the eyes of others and experienced the awkwardness of being in her presence, I felt horrible because mothers are not supposed to “see” that. We’re supposed to wear rose colored glasses where are children are concerned.
But that is load of crap. We’re going to see their flaws and they will make us cringe. Though, I think it gives us an advantage. Yes, we see them for who they are but we also still love them with every fiber of our being. And when the hurt feelings come and their own awareness of themselves heightens, we’ll have the opportunity to be objective and loving and not exacerbate the situation by telling them they are perfect but by giving constructive feedback.
And I think you’d totally rock pink hair
.-= Malia´s last blog ..Lacking =-.
EXACTLY. I feel the same way. My kid is weird. Other kids think he’s weird. They tell him he’s weird. So I tell him he’s weird too. But then we talk about how being weird is such a wonderful thing and the sooner he accepts that he’s weird and gets over it, the better. So far, he has. He will say, “Yeah, I’m weird. But that’s me and that’s ok because it’s just who I am.” I pray every day that he keeps that healthy attitude!
As far as finding my own weirdness. I think that having a weird kid and knowing it and dealing with it daily is my own weirdness. I get the “looks” from other parents too. I deal with the lack of playdate invitations. The cruel comments. The teacher conferences. The need to explain his behavior. It’s no walk in the park for either him or me.
.-= A Mom Anonymous´s last blog ..They really do exist! =-.
I say … embrace the weirdness …
Your child, at this moment … and other moments, I’m sure … must be thinking to himself or thought to himself: Gosh that woman is so weird! as he gave you a side, fake smile when you walked in on his thought lol …
My kid is 5y/o and when I look back at his newborn baby pics, he had a look in most of his pictures … and I’m convinced this was HIS exact thought, as well … even then … at such an early age … he thought: MAN, this one’s pretty weird …
.-= Nydia´s last blog ..You May Have an Eating Disorder if … =-.
Everyone else has given you much better advice and insight than I could…but seriously?? Angelina Jolie? Who would NOT want to be Michelle Obama for a day??
This society scares the living crap out of me.
My younger son is not neurotypical, and when he was younger, the doctors noted that I was very accepting. For the most part, I was. But Holy Hannah, Heather, when the boy started wearing women’s shoes out in public (with me!) I freaked out just a bit when he called attention to himself (and me!) at the polling station. Christ on a bicycle! I feel you. That boy has better shoes than I do.
.-= witchypoo´s last blog ..Old Hurts =-.
Also? When he mentioned how weird he was? I usually just told him that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I still have a hard time with the women’s shoes (and purses!) in public.
.-= witchypoo´s last blog ..Old Hurts =-.
I forgot to even comment on this nonsense about wanting to trade places with anyone, especially with women who are famous for being fake (acting). How can we possibly know what Angelina’s life is really like or what she is really like? Yes, having Brad Pitt in bed would be a definite perk…based again solely on looks and the roles he has played as an actor. I don’t get the idolization of celebrities once you’ve passed the age of about 15.
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Germs Everywhere =-.
I don’t think you sometimes seeing him as weird is a bad thing. I think if you didn’t occasionally see him that way, you might be in denial.
That fact is, he is a bit different. He doesn’t fit into the little box labeled “normal.” That isn’t a bad thing and you can definitely help him navigate his way through the shit. I think you’re a better mother to him because you’re able to see the full picture from many angles.
.-= Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..My little diva =-.
Honestly, I was prepared for something far worse. I think it would be maybe a little unhealthy if you didn’t see and acknowledge what looks like weird to you. Even and especially in your own children. If there is anyone who is equipped to both nurture and redirect Payton’s weirdness-es, it’s you. I’m no expert, but I see nothing wrong with both celebrating what makes Payton different from the zombie masses while at the same time looking for teachable moments in which you point something out to him with practical advice on how he might do something differently when he is hanging out with friends (or whatever).
I love this quote about those of us who are in some ways NOT normal: “People with great passions, people who accomplish great deeds, people who possess strong feelings, people with great minds and a strong personality rarely come out of good little boys and girls.” — L.S. Vygotsky
I’m in my 30s and am just now beginning to embrace my own inner and outer weirdnesses. I don’t wear make-up out in public some days. In small town Oklahoma, that is VERY weird. But it’s very me and I don’t care. I have many inner weirdnesses that I’m so thankful no one in my life tried to squash when I was a child.
To borrow from the slogan from my most favorite city in this country: Keep Payton Weird.
.-= Megan@SortaCrunchy´s last blog ..Ready? Set? GO Bless The Vega Family! =-.
Let me start by saying that I’ve recently started reading your blog and love it! Then let me tell you what I’ve figured out as a parent. When I was in school, I thought EVERYONE was cooler, prettier, smarter, more normal with a more normal homelife than me. Then I grew up and figured out we’re all weird. Every single one of us. What’s normal to us is not to someone else and vice versa. Your feelings toward your child’s individuality or “weirdness”? Very normal. We want different and better for our children than what we had. We just have to learn embrace our weirdness and the weirdness of our children!
.-= Sheri´s last blog ..OMG! I Was Almost One Of THOSE Moms! =-.
When I read what you say about Payton, it brings me back to my son who is now 19. He was so damn cute when he was little. He had a way about him and we would shake our heads and say ” The world according to Chandler”. He thought he was the cat’s meow. As he got older he was diagnosed w/ a learning disability. He did go to resource and had success. I saw him draw away from people and my heart started to hurt. He quit being asked to do anything with kids in school. He would be made fun of. In the 6th grade, he went to the library during lunch because he had nobody to sit with. My heart continued to break for him. In high school he had mustard squirted on his back and I went ballistic. Well he was diagnosed at 18 with Aspergers. I was afraid to broach the subject that I thought he had it. It didn’t matter to me, but things were starting to bother him so I broached the subject about the possibility. When I told him my thoughts and had him read up on it, he was smiling as he was reading. I had tears running down my face. He asked me why. I said that I thought this was going to upset him. He said hell no, this explains everything. He was almost excited. He asked me to take him to someone because he wanted to know for sure. He did get the diagnosis. He is so much better, not because of the diagnosis, but because it was his decision after he read up on it. By the way, he is doing well in College with A’s and B’s. I am so proud of my wonderful weird kid! I know you will get to the point that you know he’s going to be OK like I did. He’s one of the best people I know. I actually feel that God blessed me doubly by giving me a unique kid like him. It’s easier to feel it now that he’s 19 as opposed to when he was younger. Hang in there Heather.
Define normal? It’s all perception. What you think is normal, I may think is completely bonkers and vice versa.
One of my mottos that I live by and drill into my children is “To thine own self be true”.
If Payton likes who he is and is comfortable with himself, then why would you want to change that? Embrace his individuality/weirdness, support him in every way, and to hell with what others think.
We are all judged in one way or another by a variety of people, almost on a daily basis. If we changed who we were every time someone thought us “abnormal”, we would eventually forget our true essence. This would be a tragedy.
Payton is just a child. He is still growing, learning, observing. As he ages, he will change in many ways. So just because he’s “weird” today, doesn’t mean he will be weird next year.
All through his life, he will make friends and lose friends. Seriously, how many of us are still in contact with our best friend from 4th grade? We were all picked on sometime during our student careers (some more so than others) for one thing or another. And we all picked on someone else. School is such a cruel place. It’s filled with peer pressure, teasing, cliques, joy, and devastation.
I just fear that if you encourage him to “fit in” with what is not natural to him that this will lead to trouble down the road. It could cause him to become a follower. If he falls in with a bad crowd during his rebellious teen years and follows the crowd in an attempt to be “cool” and “fit in”, think of the problems this could lead to.
I guess my advise is to let him be him. If he isn’t losing sleep over his social life, then you shouldn’t either. So what if he doesn’t have many friends? He could meet a new kid tomorrow and become instant buds. Then again, he may not socially bloom until high school or even college. Still yet, he may be a loner for his whole life. As long as he’s happy and content, then be happy and content with him.
As for letting your freak flag fly… don’t try to be something you’re not. If you’re not comfortable painting your toe nails black or painting flames down the side of your mini-van, then don’t do it. If you want to do the electric slide in the middle of the school parking lot while singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, then go for it… you may even unleash someone else’s inner freak and they won’t be able to stop themselves from joining in.
Life is too short to be unhappy. Everybody dance!!
.-= Cori´s last blog ..Halloween Controversy- Christians vs Halloween =-.
Define wierd? For me, wierd would be getting married out of college, having kids in set number of years and driving a van.
For some, wierd would be blogging.
All you have to be is yourself WITHOUT being beheld to the judgement of others. You will be judged by others no matter WHAT your choices are.
Within reason – dying your hair pink is okay. Dying your kitten pink is interesting. Dunking your kitten in pink dye is illegal. Stay away from the illegal.
.-= jeanie´s last blog ..My formative musical years in Toto-lity =-.
Ladies, you know I definitely question the definition of normal. I also agree with your sentiments of embracing who you are, letting your child be himself, etc. etc. I don’t think I could turn Payton into a follower even if I wanted to.
However. (Gesh, am I really about to put a “but” into embracing your child like he is? Yes, I am.) But, as pretty as those sentiments sound on paper and in our mind, there’s the outside world too and we all must fit into society to a certain degree. The balance is to learn to do so without losing ourselves. I guess that’s the gist of this post, now that I think about it.
When I say socially rejected, I don’t mean just making friends. Cori has an excellent point about having the same friends since 4th grade. Who does? For most kids, social rejection would mean how they are making friends, but Payton isn’t most kids. He wants nothing more than to teach the world about the importance of our oceans. Sometimes when he is teaching, I see the weird things he does and how the people react – let me tell you, it inhibits his ability to get his message across to them.
I was floored by your revelation, it’s still hard for me to fathom. A wife who gives blowjobs? You must be lying.
But seriously, being a kid who does some weird things at times is difficult for everyone. No matter what, unfortunetly, integrating with others who are trying to ‘be normal’ there isn’t anything you can do to change their perception of his actions. The only thing you can do that will make a difference to anyone is let him know that you accept him and love him, no matter what. That really is the only action that will make any difference, and it is for the one person who really needs it. And I’m sure you are already doing it.
.-= Scott´s last blog ..I’m back =-.
you don’t need to be weird, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a few weird friends. Do you know anyone in the SCA? Comic book collectors? Role-playing gamers? Somebody at the museum he was volunteering at?
It doesn’t have to be a weirdness he has an interest in. Just an interest that somebody takes to extremes. Do you do any craft, like knitting or the scrapbooking stuff? Do you know anyone that is over the top about it? Hang out with them.
I don’t even know: Do you have a hobby? Besides the drinking I mean. If you ever wanted to have a hobby, nows the time to make time for it, and get weird about it.
Having a couple of weird friends would both show him how accpeting you really are, it’s not just because your his mom, but because you like weird people generally. Plus, role models. A friend of mine was much more like my daughter as a teen than I ever was, so, she could not only sorta explain my kid to me, but she could explain the world to my kid in a way that made more sense to her.
Holy long comments.
Heather, this might possibly, be one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written. I think it is infinitely telling, passionate and true.
I love your heart, your honesty and your heart (yes, again)
Thank you for sharing this. For having the cajones to write this. Thank you.
.-= rachel-asouthernfairytale´s last blog ..Spice Rubbed Pork Chops =-.
You’ve got a picture of a decapitated naked Barbie doll marinating in a martini and you’re concerned about upping your weirdness? Sweetie, I don’t think you need to define normal but you might take a look at weird.
Oh, how I kid…kindasorta.
Sometimes I don’t think there really are answers to the questions we (as moms) ask, some of the hard questions. But we ask ‘em and talk ‘em through and listen to our friends and at the end of the day, remember “right foot, left foot” and move on.
I feel for you; you’re being painfully honest. I admire that.
.-= Robin ~ PENSIEVE´s last blog ..Dead faith? =-.
Maybe start with a clip-in streak of pink hair? ;p
Good luck. Great post.
.-= Al_Pal´s last blog ..My new creative outlet: Bread Puddings! =-.
Awe, shucks sweetie…this isn’t abnormal. I think it’s human.
My son is very like me and I cringe A LOT at him because well…I know how difficult it can be having that personality and I don’t want that for him.
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..It’s never too late for civility =-.
Great post. It made me laugh (gently, with you) and think. Part of me thinks all kids are weird. All people are weird. Part of me understands exactly what you mean, how some people, even young children, seem to intuitively understand what charms people, attracts them, makes them listen and some people don’t get it, put people off without knowing it. It’s a huge gift to relate to people easily and naturally – or even just blend in sometimes. Of course, there are tons of other gifts. I know you know that. Like I said, I loved the post, I’m just thinking out loud in response.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Do You Want Sprinkles With That? =-.
same boat/I’m in it.