Hurricane Preparation. Let’s Just Call It Preparation H for Short
Posted by Heather in A Bunch of NothingWell, it’s been a couple of years since I’ve had to do this song and dance but it looks like I haven’t forgotten the steps. Now, for those of you who don’t live in coastal areas and so have not given your firstborn to your homeowners insurance company, you may be unfamiliar with what goes into Preparation H. Let me explain.
You wake up in the morning and turn on your local news, which has a constant ticker running across the bottom with hurricane updates.
You notice the schools are not closed for today. Yippee! Mommy doesn’t need to start drinking just yet.
You take stock of your canned goods, in case the power goes out. If you do not have enough canned goods, find the nearest hard surface and knock yourself unconscious. It’s better than getting into a cat fight with the woman grabbing the last can of potted meat at the grocery store.
It’s never too early to begin worrying over high winds and the tree that is located on the same side of the house as your kids’ bedrooms. Start now.
Next you round up all your D cell batteries for your flashlights. If you discover you do not have any or enough batteries, go ahead and pull down your pants, bend over and prepare yourself to take it up the ass. YOU ARE SCREWED.
Gather candles. Internally gloat over the memory of your husband wanting you to throw away the ugly but functional candles that have sat on top of the fridge for 4 years, but you refused to do so. Who’s the smart one now?
Do laundry all day long. Crusty undies and hurricane power outages are not as fun as they sound.
Begin paperwork to turn over your 401K to your homeowners insurance company but realize after the stock market crash, it’s probably not enough to cover the next astronomical increase you know will be coming. Ponder over this crazy idea that the current economy is the “new normal.” What the hell is new about this state of spending when the insurance industry has gouged the coastal and even semi-coastal South for four years? This has been our normal since Katrina, people.
Skip your exercise routine. Who has time? And who needs it when you’ll be dragging heavy patio furniture, wheel barrows, potted plants and trashcans around the house and into the garage all by yourself. But first you have to drag shit around in the garage to make room because, even though there’s a National House Cleaning Week, there is still no National OMG The Garage Is A Goddamn Fire Hazard Week.
Really, after reading this, I hope people don’t wonder why we have hurricane parties.
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Here’s hoping you don’t lose electricity. Or get flooded. Or that it just goes somewhere else. I remember when we took a direct hit here, it was terrifying, and nobody was prepared, because when does the east coast of Canada get hurricanes. Now we are more prepared. You are in my heart.
.-= witchypoo´s last blog ..Open Mouth Insert Foot =-.
Witchypoo: Thankfully we’re too far inland to worry with flooding. It’s a good 45 minute drive to the actual coast, so no worries there.
Ugh I haven’t even doing anything yet. But my school for tonight is canceled!!! But yeah I live in Bayou La Batre and can practically see the water from my house lol!
.-= Mandee´s last blog .. =-.
I’ll be thinking of you, Heather: hope you don’t get any flooding.
Let’s hope it stays weak, and you get nothing more than some rain. Living in Central Florida, we get a few hurricanes now and then, and it’s the same drill here. Make sure your stocked up on everything and hunker down. Good luck!
.-= Eric´s last blog ..The Open Mind Test – Part 2: A Great Teacher, A Little Philosophy, and A Whole Lot of Love =-.
I was shocked we have to worry about a hurricane this late in the season.
At the beginning of hurricane season I went through our kit. I had to throw many cans away because they expired. Then I put all the MREs in the laundry room closet, because eating food, even if it is freeze-dried, that has been sitting in the garage for 4 yrs sounds gross. If we really want to get fancy, we can crack open one of the NATO packs. It is so much fun and exciting living in a bowl, I am so happy we live near the lip. And to think I just sent some of our cans of soup with my daughter for their needy box.
.-= SoMo´s last blog ..Keeping it Real =-.
Knock yourself unconscious. I love it! Mine would be “run around in circles until you pass out.” No hurricanes here in Arkansas, but we do get the occasional nasty tornado. We drag our sleeping kids out of bed (because tornadoes ALWAYS happen after bedtime) and hunker down in the laundry room. This is preceded by staring at a very colorful Doppler radar image for a good half hour, saying dumb-ass things like, “Is it going to miss us? I think it’s going to miss us. Wait, it looks like it’s turning. God, is that hail?”
.-= Lucy Cooper´s last blog ..A How-To Tale for Working Moms (and Dads) =-.
Yup – When Ike blew in, we were making hurricanes in the culdesac. All of us put together had enough supplies to make a few PB & J’s, served with pop tarts, beens, and chilli (cause that’s all that was left). But the booze? Never.Ran.Out! We were without power on our street for 11 days. Food? Over rated. Booze? Necessary!
.-= Sheri´s last blog ..It’s A New Day =-.
Yeah, don’t forget to check your alcohol stores since school is not only out Wednesday now but Tuesday too…
Potted meat? What?
.-= joeinvegas´s last blog ..Fall on the Strip =-.
Wow, isn’t it late in the season for hurricanes? I ask because I’m a novice in these things and am now thankful that, where I live, it’s too late in the year for those pesky tornadoes that like to rip through.
Oh boy. The VP of my department just went around and gave everyone permission to drive home now as opposed to later. I don’t live across any bridges, I live right outside the French Quarter. What do I have to worry about, aside from other drivers who don’t know how to panic and drive at the same time?
The Katrina evac to Houston is how I got my tribal name “Dances With Trucks.”
Good luck, hunker down, I’ll be doing the same.
.-= Bridey´s last blog ..NOLA. fuck yeah. =-.
and that is why you need to come and live in Australia. We don’t have hurricanes…
Just gale force winds that can knock you down and are full of FIRE.
Wait. I am on my way. I can move the patio furniture for you.
I found your blog on through Chantelligence (she awarded you an…award!). So wishing I would’ve found you a long time ago..you’re freakin’ hilarious! And oh no..I live in a completely different place than you! I live in the deserts of wonderful AZ…still waiting for winter to arrive here..we’re starting the second week of November and it has still been in the 90′s here with the 80′s comin’ round the corner. So while you are having your hurricane parties…we’re having fryin’ parties!
Fun times! Of course I enjoy any post that makes Ohio seem maybe-not-so-bad, especially since right now most of our pretty fall leaves are on the ground and starting to blow away.
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..Observation =-.
Good luck Heather! I just got back from a week in Cancun, and they were a bit stressed for several days. Oddly though, the day they were the most worried about (Sunday) was the nicest we had had…which was not enough to keep my friends flights from being cancelled.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..The Joys of The Season =-.