Loyalty Has Benefits, As Does Taking Your Kids to the Liquor Store
Posted by Heather in Evidence File for The BettySchool gets out for Christmas holidays tomorrow and I realized my liquor cabinet is empty.
(recoils in horror!)
(feel free to scream with me.)
I literally have 1/8 of a bottle of Tequilla in there and half a pint of triple sec leftover from the summer rounds of strawberry margaritas.
That just won’t do. I need fortification! (Not to be confused with fornication.) How else am I to survive the Keep-The-Kids-Entertained pre-Christmas requirements of glitter, glue, and felt. I deserve a reward for the hours I will spend vacuuming the glitter that magically springs eternal. In fact, I think there is still glitter on my kitchen floor from last Christmas, that is the reproductive power of glitter!
And please, think of all the arguments I will mediate over whose turn it is on the Wii for the next 2.5 weeks. St. Smirnoff, save me.
Also, we will be staying at my mom’s for two days during the holiday break and I have my cover story ALL worked out. “Oh, I discovered this new recipe for peach bourbon sours, let’s try it, it’s the holidays!” That way it looks special, like I made an effort to share something new with family during the holidays. Really, it’s just my own over-the-counter form of Xanax for when I’m around extended family.
I even have a back-up plan: bourbon-hot fudge sauce, which Christmas elves can transform into special grown-up hot chocolate with the addition of milk, one marshmallow and 90 seconds in the microwave. Or I’ll just eat the bourbon-laced sauce right out of the fucking jar, depending on the level of family tension.
And then we’ll have breakfast with my in-laws one day to celebrate Christmas with them. “Oh, a holiday breakfast, how special! I’ll bring mimosas to celebrate!”
Well-laid and thought out plans, people. That’s how you survive the holidays with a smile on your face and a vacant glaze, err, glint in your eye.
Needless to say, I made a trip to the liquor store yesterday. And let me tell you, it pays to be a loyal customer. I grabbed my big(er) bottle of Crown Royal and proceeded to the check out, but as I approached the register, the employee directed me to a Crown Royal gift set for the exact same price.
Because she remembers me. She’s the same one that checked me out this past spring. She knows.
Entries (RSS)
It pays to be friendly with the liquor store clerks.
There are a lot of peppermint schnaps type drinks to stay in season. Also add it to that fudge thing.
joeinvegas´s last blog ..Msut be Santa
Have one for me too! Bewtween the family feudes and burnt turkey, it always helps to have a little somethin-somethin just to help get by or my specality is those famouse “BROWNIES” Tee-Hee ha ha!!!!
Wow, there is a “gift set”. My husband loves crown, I just may have to stop off on my way home tonight!. Thanks for the suggestion. I promise I wont take all the credit when I give it to him.
mmmmmmmm….. mimosa. It wouldn’t be the holidays without it.
Or hot buttered rum.
Or Irish Coffee. Which my husband makes and is FANTASTIC. The man does it perfectly every time.
Have fun!
monstergirlee´s last blog ..You Capture – Holiday Decor
that peach drink seems delish! wish i could drink alcohol. i’m allergic. can you believe it? yes, it’s true. i’m allergic to wine, beer, and liquor. i break out into hives, stuffed up nose, or vomit, get dizzy/blackout, and turn beet red on my face and ears. i did not know i had issues with alcohol in college, hence, why i spent most thurs-sat nites in a constant haze, or blackout. i don’t even take any pills to make me happy. i still don’t know i survive day to day without something to help me get by. i guess Tv is my drink/pill of choice. i love to watch it and stroke the remote.
kiki´s last blog ..Bah! Humbug!
You SO had me at bourbon hot fudge sauce. YUM.
My Naughty Gingerbread Mantinis are famous around these parts – and I get to make them a lot over the next couple of weeks. Did I say there are famous? Yeah, everyone expects them when they visit at Christmastime. Score.
Ashlie´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Christmas magic
Um, I still cannot believe your kids have 2-1/2 weeks off.
Ours have 1-1/2 and that is MORE than enough. Good luck!
Coma Girl´s last blog ..Alone
This is hilarious. How about sneaking a little rum into the hot apple cider, or some peppermint schnapps into the cocoa?
BODA weight loss
That hot chocolate sounds amazing…drool.
May St. Smirnoff be with you. I’m going to need fortification, too.
p.s. our girls call the liquor store the bottle store…they actually give out suckers at our favorite liquor store!
Jamie´s last blog ..Crack Rabbit
Now that is a nice liquor clerk. I always go for the gift sets. Now don’t forget…you can put Irish Creme in coffee. Then…proceed to the mimosa’s. I have to make a run myself. I police off the last of my Canadian whiskey with egg nog last night. I now have a whopping headache. Those damn things are good. Thank goodness for Vicodin. Ahhh.
Lets everyone have a moment of silence for KIKI. How horrible life must be to be allergic to all alcohol. Poor girl. Maybe Charlene will share her brownie recipe with her.
You know, I use the over the counter family version of Xanax, too, but with the opposite recipient. I make my family’s coffee with “special creamer” (aka “Bailey’s”) My mother just LOVES the way I make her coffee, and says she tells everyone at her quilting club that her daughter makes the most wonderful coffee. There is just something about it.
Works great with the mother-in-law, too. Everyone just gets so cozy and quiet, and sits quietly on the sofa, asking for a blanket for a little snooze. It is awesome.
Bourbon hot fudge sauce sounds frickin won-der-ful. Love your survival plan. This’ll be the first Christmas Eve I’ve really needed one so I will probably bring cordial-infused truffles, wine and something to doctor the coffee. Smile and survive. If it gets bad, I’ll be the one in the corner popping truffles.
Tanya´s last blog ..Eating Poetry ~ by Mark Strand
Heather, thanks for a fun year, you always crack me up with the tales of your suffering. I’m sure you make it all up, um, right? Surely no one could really be tortured THAT much. Tomorrow I leave for a Caribbean cruise, no bickering family for Christmas, just some cold drinks, warm breezes and bikini clad women. I hope.
Merry Christmas!
Never never never never NEVER underestimate the power of a good relationship with your liquor store clerk. Also, if you’re going with bourbon try to remember NOT to fall into the big plant next to the front door. My Uncle Eddie was a bourbon man, and he made that mistake Every. Single. Year.
Bejewell´s last blog ..All I Want for Christmas is This Dildo Helmet
You MUST share your “special” treats with me so I, too, will have some fortification to get through the holidays. This year we have FOUR Christmas celebrations to attend. Next year, we’re staying at our house and whoever wants to see us (yeah, right, like they’re coming to see us, and not the 2-year-old dictator living in our house) can climb their happy little butts in their cars and travel. WE’RE staying put.