All I Got for Christmas was Housewife P0rn
Posted by Heather in Marital Bon Mot, The Housewife HallowsI think this is the post where I’m supposed to amuse you with tales from my Christmas. Well, I can’t be one to break with blogger conformity, I mean tradition!
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Fudge
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Presents
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Overeating
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Wow, wasn’t that like the most amusing and interesting Christmas recount out of all the millions of post-Christmas blogs right now? So let’s move on to what I really want to talk about – DRYERS.
I know what you’re thinking: Please, God, tell me Santa left Heather a new dryer so she will stop bitching and complaining about her horrible dryer and the heaps of ironing she is forced to do because of the horrible dryer.
Santa DID NOT.
I know! I feel compelled to do emotional binge eating too, why doesn’t Santa love me?
What Santa did give me was money. And a brother-in-law who is a super genius at mechanics and told us how to fix my old dryer so it will heat once again.
On the Sunday after Christmas, I masterminded an escape from my current house arrest and got away from my small rabid co-inmates who have been lodged up my craw for a week. Meanwhile, Wally promised he would try to fix our old dryer.
“Oh honey, if you can fix our old dryer, I will (specific sexual favors redacted), that is how happy it will make me!”
Wally made a beeline for his Craftsmen tool set. Of course he did. Because he loves to make me happy, I’m sure, and not because he really wants to (redacted). I bebopped out of the house, deciding to price out some new dryers, just in case he can’t fix it. And that’s when I went into a fudge-induced diabetic coma OMG, NEW RITZY DRYERS ARE A THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS.
But I recovered quickly. It’s not like I didn’t know they were that expensive. But still, being faced with the price tag while in serious consideration of buying? I need smelling salts just retelling it.
The salesman tried time and again to impress me with one fancy dryer option after another.
Machine sanitizing option!
Eh, we’re too germophobic as a society. A little bacteria is good for us!
24 button control panel!
Yeah, I use all of two settings on my dryer. Seriously.
STEAM!
$1500 for steam. Are you fucking kidding?
I continued to be unimpressed, insisting I wanted a dryer that (are you sitting down?) simply dries clothes without everything coming out wrinkled. I’m so demanding, I expect dryers to perform miracles!
When I returned home, Wally proudly showed me the relay out of the dryer, thinking that’s the mechanical problem. And won’t that be an easy fix?!
On Monday he went to the appliance repair store and bought a new relay, plus two other thingies that control the heat of the dryer. One of these three will fix it! For sure!
“Really? That’s great! How much were the parts?”
“Only $75 for all of it.”
“You mean I’ve carried out 4-6 hours of ironing each week for over a year when all it cost to fix our dryer is $75 and two hours of your time?”
“Um.”
Yes, yes I have. I did four loads of laundry yesterday. In my old dryer that is now heating. And there were no clothes that needed ironing. So now I’m forced to renounce my offer of (specific sexual favors redacted) and reevaluate exactly who owes who what around here.
Let’s see: 4-6 hours a week or ironing, we’ll say an average of 5. At least $10 per hour for menial labor (I’m cutting him a deal.) That’s $50 per week, 52 weeks. I think I’m owed somewhere around $2600 just for labor, and what about pain and emotional suffering from the ironing?.
When I presented this offer to Wally his response was, “It would be cheaper for me to buy you a new fucking dryer.”
Ok, fine.
In return, though, Wally agreed to make some housewife p0rn for me. And because I love my readers, I am going to share it with you.
Untitled from Heather Hitchcock on Vimeo.
That is some of the best p0rn ever.
Entries (RSS)
You ARE the best. And Wally is a trooper!
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..No batteries included =-.
$2600 for ironing! Hmmm, gotta remember to do that math early on in the next broken appliance saga. imagine if you’d told him it was costing that much of your time each week last year when it stopped?
I’m trying to come up with the magic words that will get me the new rer\frigerator I want, rather than the newer verson of our basic, small, 18 year old refrigerator. Thus far, I’ve got him admitting to the savings in power usage in a new vs. our very old. But, what will get me a spiffy, humongous, ice and water through the french door refrigerator with 2 seperate freezer drawers. in stainless for extra fee. Besides (redacted) each week for the next year?
So classic! Of course his aha! moment probably made each ironing memory go off like simultaneous internal napalm, or would that just be me?
It’s like the joke: a woman gets off work and stops at a local happy hour before going home. A really hot guy comes up and offers, I’ll do anything for $200 — ANYTHING. She contemplates the offer, finishes her drink, looks at him with passion and says, “Paint my house.”
Muah! Happy New Year of No Wrinkles (oooh double blessing!)
.-= Tanya´s last blog ..The Wild Iris — by Louise Gluck =-.
That video was awesome!!!
So cool, Hey if you live in Ca send him to my house I will pay!!! ha ha ha
I think of you everytime I see this commerical, https://www.mistersteamy.com/?mid=570597
.-= SoMo´s last blog ..Houseguest Beware =-.
Bet you’re glad you didn’t win the best job in the world…
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34623026/?GT1=43001
.-= Amber´s last blog ..Getting Ready for Christmas =-.
Wait a minute, you did say you would (redacted) in exchange for the dryer heating. It now heats, he deserves to be (redacted). The concept that he should have done it long ago did not come into the negotiations.
.-= joeinvegas´s last blog ..Christmas in Vegas 2009 =-.
The video is fantastic but I’m still laughing at “Why doesn’t Santa love me?”
And I may have over-Shredded, but I read “no, he did not” in a total Jillian voice.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..I Can’t Face Facebook =-.
Mmmm. Clearly, Wally gives good oven.
.-= Gretcheng´s last blog ..And…Butt =-.
OH…I LOVED it. Reminds me of the jerk that I used to work with that came in proudly exclaiming that he bought his fiance a dozen roses every Friday, like I should be impressed. I looked at him for a moment then said My fiance cleans toilets, does laundry and cooks dinner. In other words fuck the roses.
When this jerk got back from his honeymoon I asked if he had a great time. He said “It was boring”. Yep. They didn’t stay married two months. LOL.
That’s gotta be the cleanest oven I’ve ever seen without going to the third floor at my local Sears. Total pr0n, I have to watch it over and over.
Oh, and the man cleaning it is hot too, I’m sure, but he never really came into focus for me.
If you don’t mind, I’m going to capture a screen shot of Wally cleaning out the oven and hang it around my house. No, not for my personal pleasure, but as a means of encouraging my husband to clean out the damn oven he sullied greatly when he flipped and dropped and entire frozen pizza (that he had to make when I didn’t make supper one night…WHATEVER…) on the bottom of it. I say if you reek up the house and you make a mess, you clean it up. Two weeks later, and the house still smells like burned pepperoni pizza every time I crank that oven up (which, despite that night of poor judgement, I do actually do from time to time!).
I freaking love it!!! But honestly, I would rather have a new dryer. Mine is 20 years old and still going strong. Oh well.
So when you getting that new purty dryer?
Cause I don’t know about you, but I *really* hate ironing and $1k seems like a steal.
.-= Amy @ Taste Like Crazy´s last blog ..Clutter and Stress Be Gone! =-.
Love the housewife porn. you crack me up.
.-= the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..it’s 19 degrees and i’m so happy to be in the car =-.
So yet again I am reminded that I am probably the only mother in America to send her children to school in wrinkly clothes.
I do have an oven which supposedly cleans itself, but you know how it does that? By turning the dirt into smoke and send it out into my kitchen. So, you can send Wally this way any day. I am afraid that p0rn just reminds me of how I am lacking the real thing.
.-= Sophie, Inzaburbs´s last blog ..I’m Not Always This Graceful and Elegant =-.
All that wiggling around in the housewife p0rn made me hot and bothered. Put your laundry on me. I’ll straighten that shit out.
.-= Mocha´s last blog ..2009: It’s Been A Whole Year, Has It? =-.
Awesome p0rn. I hate ironing. I love your hilarious writing. Happy New Year!!!
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Split Personality =-.
Wow just discovered your blog. Love it. You have a hilarious way with words. I will be reading often.
Nice. I should video my husband doing the dishes. Warm, soapy water, bubbles … hmm, there could be a whole industry for housewife p0rn!!
.-= Lynn´s last blog ..Savory Sunday: Split-Pea Soup =-.
OMG, Heather: if you are not the funniest woman EVER born, I don’t know who is.
Hilarious. Just but gusting hilarious.
Thanks for the laughs.
Love you, honey…
Love the porn!