The Dwindling of a Fearful Mother
Posted by Heather in Gifted Children, Quirky Kid Dossier, This Mom GigI have to say writing out your melodramatic shit and posting on a blog for the world to read must be the quickest way to get over yourself. Not only is it faster than traditional therapy, but cheaper too, which really puts the icing on this turd cake of an economy.
So, yeah. What do I say now?
Did you know I was shy as a child? Painfully so, I’m afraid, “afraid” being the operative word. I was scared of so many things and shyness was the cover story.
Yet now I’ll talk about my vagina on the internet, which should prove you can’t predict a person’s outcome by their childhood personalities, why the hell am I worried about Payton?
The end.
Right? Shouldn’t that be the Oprah light bulb moment when I connect my childhood predisposition to fear and realize I turned out okay, and am in fact very opposite to my childhood personality, now let’s all take a cleansing breath and skip along to a new, carefree life!
If only it were that easy. Is it harder than it use to be, to parent without so much fear? It seems to be growing worse. I could list three examples of how fear has clawed its way into the gut of this generation of parents, but I think the fact that we even need a movement (see Free Range Kids) to reclaim a sense of security speaks for itself.
That being said, I don’t know if we can fully escape the feeling. I’ve tried putting up a false bravado and thumbing my nose at it with arrogance and superiority. It doesn’t work.
I could burn incense, clang a bell and recite positive mantras about Payton over and over, trying to convince my subconscious that my conscious is right and it is wrong. Like a band-aid alone will heal a festering wound?
Maybe this fear thing is simply part of being human. I think all I can do is look at it for what it is.
What sent me into an emotional tailspin with the dwindling of Payton’s interest (gift?) wasn’t that I truly am some over-involved mother whose ego is tied to her son’s achievement. Hello? I’m a blogger and inherently self-absorbed, my ego is big enough on its own, thank you.
I was scared.
What would get the fear churning were imaginary conferences I would have with his future teachers. These weren’t well thought out fear fantasies. Just the vague idea of teachers and administrators asking tough questions about his odd behaviors and me no longer having the gifted card to pull.
That was enough to make me want to prostrate myself on the floor in total despair, getting up only to repress my fear in a glass or three of wine.
As if giftedness is so narrowly defined. Prodigiousness in one subject! Clear mastery in academics! Normal, but smarter, so much smarter!
Oh, what little value we give creative potential. Society wants proof. None of this odd behavior shit without explicit evidence of higher abilities, or else there’s probably something wrong with you!
And this is where I could put on the false bravado and attempt an air of superiority, as if I’m completely above that line of thinking. But let me tell you, the pretending is exhausting. I’m not above it. We’re all products of society, though some to a lesser degree than others. I suppose some are totally above society, but don’t we call those people schizophrenics?
Speaking of schizophrenia, I made the mistake of watching Revolutionary Road again on HBO this weekend. I know, I shouldn’t have, but I do love Kate Winslet. There’s another fear of mine: that I’m raising a child with a predisposition for schizophrenia. I mean, how the fuck do I balance the preservation of a creative mind with fitting in with society without turning him crazy?
See? The scary stories I tell myself?! And they are stories, just stories, not even real.
I have dear readers; readers who are thoughtful and caring (love all of you!) email me with studies or research on Aspergers, showing me the positive side of it. And yes, it’s interesting to hear what these people are doing in their field, how they are making tremendous contributions, etc., etc.
Maybe one day we’ll realize hey, there is this group of characteristics. And, wow, they are precursors to creativity and ingenuity! We don’t want to call this shit a disorder, a lifelong impairment, are we crazy?! We want to call this evolution, progress.
Instead of autism, how about we call if The Darwin Disposition or something? The Edison or Einstein Element? The Marie Curie Component? Because this group of characteristics is not new to the human race, it’s always been there. What’s new is how we think of it.
I cannot get my gut to agree with this medicalization of creative personalities. Frankly, I’m not sure which is actually disordered: kids like my son or our thinking. Seems to me our thinking is the one out of order since ‘dis’ means denoting a reversal, and we all know what order means.
Hell, maybe those kids who reject and tease Payton because he is different are actually the ones with a social disorder. To me that is just as possible, if not more so, than my son being the one.
Who is actually out of order, disordered, in reversal of social order? The kid(s) who wants to do his own thing and explore his imagination or the kid(s) who ridicule and maliciously target the kids who aren’t like them? If we’re going to explore the meaning of social disorder, what the fuck?
But no, those kids are just kids being kids, and my kid is the strange one. And so he’s been targeted, and he is sensitive to even the slightest teasing, subsequently overreacts to it, TADA! There’s proof that he has some level of social impairment.
He doesn’t like mean kids, and since kids are just kids, there are lot of them. So he has very few friends and TADA! More proof of social impairment: the inability to make friends.
(There again, another concept I myself am not above because I get caught up worrying and biting my nails over his lack of friends. Why can’t I accept it? Hell, I don’t have copious amounts of friends. Do I just enjoy having insane thoughts?)
I could jump and down on my soap box and write to remind myself ALL DAY. There are also so many other thoughts, ideas that I wanted to talk about…
They say most gifted kids level out by 4th grade. It’s happening to my son! Why is this? Is this my fault? Or the school, because, as we’ve seen, the system does nothing to support and nurture their gifts. But ultimately that’s my fault too because I sent him to that school. OMG, forget the fear game, let’s play the MOMMY GUILT game instead.
…but my posts like this have a way of taking on a life of their own. Sort of like all those fear fantasies, they just take on a life if I let them.
While in the middle of writing this, Payton was beside me, investigating things with his microscope. I went to his room to look for his boxes of prepared slides and guess what I found way in the back of his supply cabinet.
I’m not even joking.
Not just any label maker, but a PERSONAL label maker. And I found it in the exact moment I was reworking my concepts and fears of labels and disorders.
God has a weird way of talking to me. But I’m listening anyway.
Life is a personal story.
How are my own labels (aka beliefs) shaping it?
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Whew. All you can do is take it one day at a time. I don’t think medicating kids into a stupor is the way to go at all. Maybe classrooms need to be adjusted. I think that some children will learn more and retain more if the typical standards of teaching are not used. Think about it. Surely you had that one quirky teacher that did things differently. I felt like I learned so much more in the few minutes of listening than I did reading chapters and chapters of info.
Not all teachers are bad. Not all of them are good either. I know the difference an excellent and motivated teacher can make on a student. It can change their world.
Ugh…such a hard situation. All you can do is be supportive of him and everything will work itself out. I’m sure of this.
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You’ve done such a good job so far. Don’t second guess your instincts too much. The label maker thing – woah –
My daughter “leveled out” eventually (not until about 6th grade at which point you think they’ve more or less leveled themselves out intentionally). But her elementary wouldn’t put her in the gifted program (which I wasn’t sure I wanted anyway) because, despite test score off the charts, despite reading at a 10th grade level in 2nd grade, she didn’t show a propensity to prefectionism. See, truly gifted children are highly concerned, even little freaks, about getting everything absolutely correct. She was a little social butterfly and would sometimes rush through her work and not double check everything. Equals= not gifted. In spite of all other evidence to the contrary.
Go with YOUR gut, because THEY have checklists, and that’s never good.
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Beautiful.
And what labels have you printed out using your ‘personal’ labelmaker? Is that anything like a ‘personal’ massage device?
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Hi Heather, I have commented to you before as I have a 13 yr Robert and a 16 yr old Sabrina who are a lot like Payton. Gifted children are an enigma and a breed all to themselves. I don’t know you from Adam, but I have followed your blog for almost a year now, and I feel as if I “know” you and your issue that your describe with Payton. He is a square peg that the schools want to put in a round hole – and guess what? It ain’t gonna work. I have two square pegs too and Payton doesn’t fit in with the other children, because quite frankly, they are beneath him. He is kind, gentle old soul that the other kids just don’t get. They don’t get him, because he has probably shared knowledge that the others just don’t get or are not ready. I say this because I live this and it is possible for Payton to have a social life with other kids, but you may have to seek it out via other avenues where teasing and “mean kids” are not tolerated. I don’t know what you have in your area, but I would recommend your YMCA for classes such as sports for fun, the boy scouts, youth groups at a church, our township offers Saturday fun classes that include science, puzzle solving, chess etc – can you check with your Adult Education program? That is the group that offers those classes in our area. We did Science is fun, Math is fun, and a couple of others. There may also be book clubs for kids at your local bookstores. Chances are that he might fit in better at some of those type of activities.
Believe me when I say that understand the heartache of watching your kid not have friends. Robert is a loner at 13 in the 8th grade because the others do NOT understand him. I think he is ok, because he has found some things that work for him. He loves the math and science, and has developed a love of music. He plays the Sax in Jazz band, and I have him in guitar lessons. I know this will help once he gets to High School, because the Band tends to have kids that are more tolerant of differences. But trust me when I say to you I am ever watchful and hopeful.
Your son is not disordered, the rest of the world just doesn’t understand his genius. Your son is the kind of person that will one day fit in just fine at MIT or someplace similar that will embrace his genius. Your son is a future leader of some kind (like a Einstein or a Bill Gates). He will find his place. Our job is to make sure that the Paytons and the Roberts of the world don’t give up. The Paytons and the Roberts of the world will lead us to greatness one day. Our job is to make sure that our hearts don’t break where they can see our tears.
You and Payton are not alone……..
I love how God talks to you through kick-ass cookware and nifty gadgets, when he only talks to me through deployed airbags and hangovers.
Your kid is at the age where he’s just trying to figure shit out. It’s tough enough being a kid and growing up without worrying about all of these newfangled diagnoses, and it’s tough enough being a parent who does the worrying for them.
But fear not, everything will work out the way it’s intended to. You have a healthy child with his whole life ahead of him…Enjoy the journey!
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Wait…I should explain…The deployed airbags and hangovers do NOT coincide. Two separate instances completely.
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How very well said Tracey..
No wise words or advice here- I just wish you peace.
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I read this with my heart in my throat for you. For all that every mom worries herself sick about, laying awake at 4 a.m. You are an incredible mom, and you are raising incredible boys.
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I honestly don’t think parents ever stop worrying or being afraid. Of course, as our children grow and change, so do our worries. My youngest son (age 12) angers easily, and when he’s angry, it’s written all over his face. We’ve been working for the last few years to teach him to get ahold of his anger and be able to control his actions and his words, and until now, he’s done ok, with no incidents outside the home to speak of. But my biggest fear is that he’ll get angry and say or do something that will impact his education/career/relationships. I worry that the anger is what people will see and remember, not the sweet, caring, thoughtful, smart, eager-to-please boy I know. I think we all label our children, but those labels are only a part of who they ultimately will be – our support, encouragement, and belief in them will give them the strength to make their own way and their own labels. I think you’re doing great!
I personally believe that Giftedness is on the end of the Autism Spectrum.
I have 3 gifted children. One with Aspergers. One with mod/severe Autism and one with terminal Emo bitchness.
All gifted kids that I know show some Autism traits. Hell, EVERYONE shows Autism traits if you look hard enough.
You are doing a freaking awesome job at raising that boy. I KNOW that. About time you starting realising that too.
MWAH
Was a gifted kid and have one. You know what? Gifted just means God installed a better mind in his head. Like a computer, garbage in is garbage out. From what I read in your blog, you are doing a WONDERFUL job of nurturing his interests. Darlin, that’s all you can do. When he opens a door, walk in, look around and be involved…which you are doing.
A friend from school posted this the other day, “NOW we learn there is no correlation between IQ and competence.” My reply: “Everyone in our gifted class knew that, sheesh.” A good majority of people I knew then floundered. I struggled too. Eventually, I caught my groove.
YOUR interest in him is POWERFUL. It’s FUEL for his FIRE. Please try not to be discouraged as he changes. In fact, it’s normal for a gifted child to be intensely interested in a subject, then hard shift into something else with the same zeal. It isn’t the same as quitting. For all the wonders of having a great mind, there’s dysfunction that accompany it. Your attention and support are powerful mojo for that.
God planned him perfectly and you for him. You’re both blessed. Just keep pouring all that good love into him. You rock!!
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Heather,
I have a Payton and his name is Chandler. He is 19 years old. I cried many Friday nights when all the kids in his school including his cousin who is the same age, were going to parties, and the movies in Middle and High School, and Chandler was up in his room. He was watching TV shows on Ancient Egypt or something similar. I cried when he told me that he would go to the library in Middle School and High School, during lunch because he had nobody to sit with. I cried….etc, etc.
Now I am so proud of this young man who is the sweetest, most caring young man, who is newly diagnosed with Aspergers, because he needed to find answers why he does things a certain way, or why he is a little different. He saw the characteristics of Aspergers’s on a website and he was so excited. I asked him why and he said that things make sense to him now. He asked me to take him to see if he did in fact have Asperger’s. After testing it was confirmed. He embraces it. He told me in jest. “You always knew I was an ASs, and now you have your proof”. He is in College doing well and a happy and well adjusted kid. No, he doesn’t go out and he is still alone most of the time in his room, but now that he’s older, we talk and he tells me he is quite happy and prefers to be alone.
When Chan was Peyton’s age I worried all the time. I fretted and tried to see the future and shame on me, but the way I saw it, Chan’s future was not happy and fulfilled, unless HE changed. I did not give him the benefit of the doubt. How happy I am to have been proven wrong.
I just want you to know what a 19 year old has said about his own life and to let you know, you have to do for Peyton the way you see fit. You need to fight for him. I have always felt that by being able to be Chandler’s mom, God gave me a tremendous gift. I thank Him for allowing me to see the world through Chan’s eyes. Best of luck to you and Peyton. I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a success in his own eyes and that is really all that matters