I Bring Bad Tidings: Nursery Mix-Ups & A National Tragedy
Posted by Heather in A Bunch of Nothing, Blood is thicker than water so good thing there's wineTo further prove there was probably a mix-up in the hospital nursery when I was born, my sister came for a short visit this weekend and she didn’t even attempt to hump my Le Creuset pots. I had them out on display and everything. Not even a glint of lust in her eye as I showed her my entire collection. I offered to let her touch it. Nothing. She didn’t care.
Also, she thinks the F word is unnecessary.
What the fuck?
Could it be any clearer that we aren’t blood relatives? I should demand a DNA test.
When she announced this insane idea about the F word, I spoke up and said, “I don’t know, sometimes an good F bomb is completely necessary to make things better.”
I said this with much authority because my 17-year-old niece was in the room and, remember, I’m a role model. I take that responsibility seriously.
In other news, we purchased new living room furniture and Parker would like you to know this is a national tragedy. The calamity went down like this:
Me: Children, we are purchasing new living furniture. This is good because now we’ll all have somewhere to sit as we bond over Star Wars the Clone Wars and nachos on Friday nights.
Parker: We’re keeping this couch too, right?
Me: No, there is not enough room for that much furniture. We bought all new furniture! Won’t that be great?! You won’t be allowed to eat or jump on it, how fun!
Parker: But I love our old couch. LOVE IT! I want to marry it. For life. It is the only couch for me.
Me: I’m sorry, son, but the new furniture will be here this weekend.
Parker: Horror! Here is my heart, stomp on it, just stomp on it, woman! Our old couch is all things good and bright, like unicorns and rice krispy treats. Now my world will be filled with rock cakes and trolls.
Then Parker runs to his room where he constructs a wailing wall from Legos so that he can mourn our old couch properly. After all, the couch held such lovely memories, like when…
… his brother used the back of the couch as support as he whooped up on Parker and mother took the time to snap a picture before intervening.
Such good memories. Like unicorns!
And let’s not forget the other good times when…
…the same older brother whooped up on the same little brother in the recliner. Oh, such bittersweet memories. Especially when they broke it!
Yes, I can see why he is sad. But he shouldn’t be. We’ll make new memories with our new furniture.
Just as soon as they turn 25 and are allowed to sit on the furniture again.
_______________________________________________________
BlogHer ‘10 is coming to NYC this summer and some of my Mouthy Housewives cohorts (together with Aunt Becky!) have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. It’s going to be fantastic, but we need your help. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session.” This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!
Entries (RSS)
I was just thinking looking at the photos – Are you sure you want to get new furniture. But if they aren’t allowed until they are 25 then you might be okay.
I love how you never miss the humor in a situation. That is why, right there, that you are a butt kickin’ mom.
Hilarious…the pictures of them beating each other up. Why didn’t I think of that, I think of the easy way to deal: scream and yell and threaten and grab their Nintendos.
You are just awesome, the end of it, that’s just what you are….
A properly placed “Fuck” makes everything better. I’m glad you are taking your role model responsibility seriously, this world would be an unhappy place if sarcastic cussing adults didn’t teach our youth properly.
Also, I have wondered if I should call in some DNA tests for the majority of my siblings, because I sometimes wonder if I was the only child who wasn’t spawned in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Heather (qtberryhead)´s last blog ..How To Write A Novel–Or Shit Fiction
Some people just don’t get the power of a good “fuck”.
Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Training Montage
Fuck is used in many situations. To explain what you want done to you. What someone can do to themselves. To describe how you feel about a situation. The possibilities are endless….obviously she is unaware. That’s just to fucking bad.
Keyona´s last blog ..That Will Be Enough Of That
I wonder if everyone recieved that sofa when they got married. We had the loveseat to match. We sent ours out to pasture when we got our new sectional, 4 years ago. And when I say pasture, I mean my SIL’s house.
You should find that paper that circulated when I was in college (I am sure you were still in grammar school at the time) about how versatile the word, Fuck, is. It is the perfect English word.
SoMo´s last blog ..No Rest for the Weary: Catholic School Edition
Congrats on the new furniture. Hope it comes with unicorns and more corruptable relatives
TexasRed´s last blog ..WW – Biting My Wedding Ring?
ummm. ok. my 11 year old STILL mourns his bed we got rid of when he was like three. and he still mourns our old living room furniture. what is with these kids?
Slow Panic´s last blog ..Does This Ever Happen To You?
I have to say that there are just some situations that do require the “F” word to be used. In order to fully get your point accross.
As for the no eating on the furniture, I recommend that you just put a plastic cover all of it.
SoccerMom´s last blog ..Anonymous, is that a bad thing?
is your child wearing a Colts tshirt? This I like…
DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..Don’t Shrink your Stash
and Holy Hell I love your pots… (I only have one, which is out on my stove top 24/7 like it’s a prop or something.
DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..Don’t Shrink your Stash
The f word? Unnecessary?
BULLSHIT!!
Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY.
Bejewell´s last blog ..Jesus Wants Steve Jobs Dead Just As Much As You Do, Sprint. Let’s All Work Together.
How sweet they love the old couch! They’ll forget about it no time.
the mama bird diaries´s last blog ..my morning in the ladies’ room
I totally understand Parker’s love of the couch. I have have two pieces of furniture like that: a huge blocking floral print chair (think late 50’s) and a modern-style floral print sofa (think 1969 flower child). I miss them both. *sniffs*
Also, fuck? It’s universally useful as almost any part of speech. It’s important for you as a role model to be sure that your niece knows her grammar.
Yeah, my sister won’t let me watch her girls either. I think she wants a DNA test…
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why´s last blog ..I Need to Go to Wally World…
Well fuck me dead. Looks like there WAS a mix up. My brother and your sister HAVE to be related.
Fuck is a great word if it’s not abused. Too many fucks and it’s just another word.
My wife found a great deal on a leather living room set last fall, so needless to say the room now has the same amount of leather as a herd of cows. Did you know skin sticks to leather if the room temperature goes above 50 degrees? I expect to be watching baseball in the kitchen this summer. Our old furniture was much more comfortable as well. I’m considering going to live with the family to whom we sold it.