So did you catch a theme in the Superbowl Ads this year? I certainly did. I shall call it…
PROTECT YOUR BALLS, MENZ,
‘CUZ THE WIMMINZ WILL EAT THEM RAW IF YOU LET THEM!
What the hell was that all about, this throwback to the old definition of what it means to be a man?
This is because of the Great Recession, isn’t it?
I can see how it’s connected. Men are losing their jobs (not like they are the only ones) and this really puts a kink in their definition of self (understandably) and so of course the women are trying to steal our manhood!
Total rational leap.
Take this Super Bowl commercial in particular – the one for a Dodge Charger.
As a feminist, I admit this rubs my non-Brazilian waxed bottom the wrong way. Quite frankly, if I were a man, it would probably rubbed my hairy-I-don’t-really-have-to-do-manscaping-because-all-my-underwear-and-swimwear-covers-everything bottom the wrong way. But the last time I checked, I’m not a man. So as a woman, I have many things to say to this commercial and I will.
I will get up and walk the dog at 6:30 am.
I will remind you that you wanted the fucking dog, not me.
I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast.
I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast too. Because neither of us revels in the idea of having sex with a fat ass, so you’re welcome too.
I will shave. I will clean the sink after I shave.
I will shave too! And I will clean up any mess I make, like a grown-up too!
I will be at work at 8 am. I will sit through two hour meetings.
I will wonder what the hell this has to do with me.
I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will be quiet when you don’t want me to say no.
I will investigate what kind of shit drugs you are on, causing you to have delusional conversations with yourself. Fuck, you have a job (that you go to at EIGHT am!), we can afford better street drugs.
I will take your call.
I will take your call too. And all the calls from the school regarding our kids. That’s my two to your one, you self-centered, pussy-ass whiner.
I will listen to your opinion of my friends. I will listen to your friend’s opinion of my friends.
And I will listen to you fart when you pee. We both hear shit we’d rather not hear.
I will be civil to your mother.
I will be civil to yours. We should prepare ourselves to be showered with honors for our great acts of humanity.
I will put the seat down.
I will think, hmm, you lifted it up.
I will separate the recycling.
I will cook the vast majority of your meals.
I will carry your lip balm.
I will carry your children. For forty-weeks. I will vomit for 16 of those weeks. Boy, you’re right, carrying my lip balm every now and then is a lot to ask!
I will watch your vampire TV shows with you.
I will watch your blow-shit-up-for-no-reason man shows with you. See how give and take works in a relationship?
I will take my socks off before getting into bed.
I will put on attractive night gowns before getting into bed.
I will put my socks in the basket.
I will wash and dry them. See how team work is applied to real life?
And because I do this, I will drive the car I want to drive. MAN’S LAND STAND!
And because I do this, I will…..I will…..Shit, what will I do? Buy the jewelry I want to buy?
I think if I need an expensive object to compensate for the way our lives meld together, for the way we dance in and out and around each other, day after day, sometimes leading, sometimes following, then the expensive object I need the most is probably a divorce attorney.
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I will carry your lip balm. I will carry your children. Is my favorite.
This is exactly what I didn’t know how to say to this STUPID commercial. I wish this post could go viral somehow. Can you video this – just read it- and put it on You Tube?
DODGE SUCKS even more now than before (we buy Toyota and our brakes are just fine thanksverymuch).
amy2boys´s last blog ..Click
I have no problem admitting that women of the house have many more tasks than a man does. However the tasks us men perform are much more important.
Ha, gotchya. If I was a typical guy I would have just left the above paragraph, but of course I’m a modern sensitive guy, and I don’t want all those body parts that make me a guy having a curse laid upon them, so I will admit that I was JUST JOKING
A good husband helps his wife around the house, regulary, not just when he wants to get laid. And he still does the outside work without expecting help from his wife. And for such martyrdom I expect to be rewarded with an unlimited number of virgins, uh, beautiful virgins, upon my sweet death. Which can’t come fast enough.
I fucking love this.
Marinka´s last blog ..Ug. Gs.
Amy: This woman (who enjoys emasculating men in her free time!) won’t be buying Dodge in two years when she gets a new car either. Ford, Honda, or Toyota will be on the list, but certainly not Dodge.
Scott: Enjoy those virgins! We all know virgins are the best at sex, what with their vast knowledge on the subject.
THANK YOU! You said it better than I could! I did not like that commercial at all. Man’s last stand? Against what? Acting like a decent human being? Even worse was the friend on Twitter who immediately posted that she LOVED that commercial. Uh… I don’t even want to know what it’s like inside your house every day.
Jenn´s last blog ..Cookies and Cream Cheesecake
thank you for this post! i just saw this stupid comercial on hulu and had to do a search to find someone who had a good answer to it!
You are hilarious. I love your blog!
“I will listen to your opinion of my friends. I will listen to your friend’s opinion of my friends.
And I will listen to you fart when you pee. We both hear shit we’d rather not hear.”
Love it. Thank you.
Carry on.
jenni´s last blog ..Picking Up Women 101
I completely noticed this as well and thought…I should not let my sons watch TV if this is the misgynistic BS they spout constantly. Like, what was up with the GoDaddy commercials? Ug.
Great reply. Wish I had done it myself.
Misty´s last blog ..What it means for New Orleans…
I sat there with my mouth open during the commercial. My husband looked at me and laughed and said, “do you find this commercial misogynistic?”
Fast forward to immediately after the unfortunate ending of the game when we briefly glanced at the headlines on the New York Times. “Some surprised by the commercial featuring David Letterman and Jay Leno and some women find some ads misogynistic.” Could you be any more vague NYT?
NGS´s last blog ..45 x 365 #297
Pulease…Like men need an incentive to buy what they think of as the macho car. To all that crap I say “whatever”. Because these are things you should do anyway and NOT be rewarded with a car. Damn. If that is the case what do we get rewarded with?
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by QueenOfShake: Did everyone else enjoy the Super Bowl PSA ads? YK, the ones about the threat to manhood? I sure did! http://bit.ly/b0zPk8...
Wonderful!
My favorite commercial was the one with the little boy and the Doritos – “Put that back! Keep your hands off my Mama. Keep your hands off my Doritos.”
Most of the time I am not a feminist…I’m thinking I may not have been married long enough to be one. I LOVED every response you had – and I would say that instead of expensive jewelry I would want…I would want…at least one 1/2 hour long, hot bubble bath with the bathroom door LOCKED and the iPod on so I can’t hear the screaming a week!
Janene´s last blog ..And now for something . . . different
You are my fucking hero.
Keyona´s last blog ..Can You Guess Who Took Shots Of My Ass?
I wasn’t able to view the commercial but this is a fantastic post–I love it.
Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Real Valentines
Ugh..HATED this commercial.
Hated it more that it played on our unsuspecting 3 sons sitting in front of the tube for some “family superbowl time.”
Who the hell thought this commercial was a good idea?
I heard a talk radio show this morning discussing this stupid commercial, and the host said, “…they accomplished what their goal was…which was to get people talking about their car…and to get people googling and hitting on their site.”
So, yeah, that way…I guess, people are talking about it. But that’s all they did. I can’t see any guy who is spurred into action by this commercial having the money to get the car. Liking this commercial, and having the means to get this car, just don’t go together.
[...] laels_mom says:Seriously read it. RT @MarinkaNYC The best take on Superbowl commercials. really http://queenofshakeshake.com/2010/02/08/mans-last-stand/ [...]
You would think the goal is to get people to buy their cars, but who needs that when there is federal bailout dollars?
True story: Hubby went out of town on a business trip—-during a time that we had just traded his car in, but had not yet decided what to get in its place.
He took my car out of town on his business trip.
Left me home alone with the baby. Sure I had plenty of diapers, wipes, milk, etc.
But, after a couple of days—-I got tired of sitting my a$$ at home.
So, I bought a car.
There was a shiny new Jaguar in our driveway when he got home.
{didn’t need a man for that….}
………so, I’d end that little ol’ commercial with the husband taking his man-stand with the Dodge….and then I’d say, “And because I do everything else, I will drive the car I want to drive.”
I’m just sayin’……
Lainey-Paney´s last blog ..We’ve got news!
I sat with a room full of men watching the SB and they all watched this commercial very intently. But their reaction at the end? “A CHARGER??” “Really? A fucking CHARGER?” “All that and all you get is a CHARGER?” “If you’re going Ford, you should at least get a MUSTANG!”
Gretchen´s last blog ..McBummed
LOL. great post. i missed all the ads last night except for that career builder with everyone in the office in underwear. this is a very dumb ad for a car company. i spend most of my time watching tv so a majority is spent watching commercials. i think advertising agencies are too comfortable and originality in writing is lacking, just like in most network tv shows. i think you should submit this post to Dodge. take care.
kiki´s last blog ..A New Decade
Awesome! I love this post! I was so pissed off at this I wrote about it too but your’s was much funnier. Woo hoo!
heather´s last blog ..we can do better
Rock On! Finally someone telling it like it really is. I don’t have to tell you who wears the pants in my family. I am sure you can guess.
SoccerMom´s last blog ..Valentine Week Day 2
This was one of the few commercials I did see (hazards of going to a party – can’t actually watch much of the game or the commercials). I thought it was lame too. The guys in the room just sort of sat there and didn’t say much. Mostly because they have all been married for years to the same women and all seem like decent husbands. I was just thinking to myself, “FG doesn’t do any of that stuff. I wonder why he drives a Mini.” Meaning, he has always put the toilet seat down, has always picked up his clothes, has always helped around the house so where’s his “dream car”? Oh yeah, we can’t f’ing afford it and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Dodge! He chose the Mini and actually likes it.
Fail on the ad agency’s part. Then again, I’m pretty unimpressed with a lot of what’s out there these days.
I daresay your post would make a great “response” commercial for jewelry. Or street drugs (the good kind).
Intrepid Eddie´s last blog ..Sportin’ Wood for the TSA
Yea, they needed a woman’s version of what she has to put up with, ending up with the Ipod in a warm bubble bath with a LOCK ON THE BATHROOM DOOR!
joeinvegas´s last blog ..Canadians
LMFAO. This was GLORIOUS. I agree with Amy — it deserves to go viral, and You Tube would be a great start. It’s much funnier than the ad.
I’ve also noticed the rise in overt scratch your balls, barbaric yawp, hear me roar sentiment in all forms of media as of late, but never considered it may be a reflection of how guys are ‘feeling’ about the economy. It’s all so Anti-Metro. lol
At the end of the day, all men are little boys inside. They like their toys, and when they get out of hand, we like ours too. Batteries are cheap.
Tanya´s last blog ..No More Clichés — by Octavio Paz
Oh God, this was perfect!
Suzy Voices´s last blog ..On My Soapbox and PUPPIES!
I love this! My jaw dropped when I saw that commercial (right before I quit watching anything Super Bowl/commercial-related completely) and pissed me off. Carry my lip balm?! That’s alright. I think I got this, Dodge. I was delighted in my Ford truck driving husband for saying that commercial was degrading when it ended.
Okay, {cringe} I laughed out loud at the ad. It was funny in my opinion.
And I laughed out loud for the truths in your post too.
I think sometimes we take things too seriously. I mean who were they marketing this ad to? Not us “wimmins.” Yes, guys that buy Chargers. I mean, who does that anyways? Heh. Was the ad over the top? Did it get your attention? Did you write about it here? Seems like the marketing team did their job to get their message out.
My husband drives a Mini. Does laundry. Makes most of the meals and 90 percent of the dishes. We watch football one day of the year and that is the Superbowl.
And? I in no way was worried about my sons watching the ad because it’s real life examples that count. If you are parenting right, no skewed ad will ever influence your child more than your own marriage and family relationships.
~Scout
Scout’s Honor´s last blog ..Boycotting Mr. Johnny Depp & Alice in Wonderland
Oh, I almost forgot to add, I found the Alice in Wonderland ad the most aggregious and insulting.
Why? Two words:
Johnny Depp
For me, a man, a father, to support child rapist and sodomite Roman Polanski is far more of an issue. That is a place where my women controlled household dollars will not go. Sorry Disney studios…
Until Johnny Depp retracts his support, I will boycott him. Who is with me?
This to me is more offensive as a mother. Justice should be served and rape is rape.
What kind of message does this send to our children? That if you are white, wealthy, and a celebrity and it happened 30 years ago, it’s no big deal.
What message does this send to pedophiles and their victims?
So, sadly, no we will not go see Alice in Wonderland.
~Scout
Scout’s Honor´s last blog ..Boycotting Mr. Johnny Depp & Alice in Wonderland
And I will listen to you fart when you pee. We both hear shit we’d rather not hear.
And ain’t THAT the truth. You made me laugh so much I nearly choked on my left over superbowl food.
That has got to be one of the most idiotic commercials ever made. I know they are all about pushing buttons, but COME ON. Maybe we should make our own commercial, with some clicheed points of our own:
I will do your laundry, even though it hardly ever makes in the basket.
I will make your dinner, and not burn it.
I will have sex with you sometimes when I don’t feel like it. I will even compliment you on your pecker, ’cause I know you like that (you peckerhead.)
I will do my best to park the car without scratching it.
I will try to find the line between looking great and not spending too much money on looking great.
And because of this: I RETAIN THE RIGHT TO BE A BITCH DURING MY PERIOD.
Love it!
Men just need to justify their reasons for being trolls.
Dejoni´s last blog ..Mysterious Messages
This is brilliant. Plain and simple.
MommyTime´s last blog ..When A Six-Year-Old Asks
Oh my, I can’t breathe I was laughing so hard at that. You are SO right! LOVE the lip balm one… I may have to have my husband read this. I think you need to start a school for “shut the hell up” for husbands.
I love this – laughed my also-not-Brazilian-waxed butt off. You know, I wonder if there were actually any married man watching that stupid commercial who just sat there nodding their heads… Or any women who bought that crap. Ugh. Have a great week!
Honor
Brilliant Heather!
Definitions of feminist on the Web:
a supporter of feminism
of or relating to or advocating equal rights for women;
To any woman or man that isn’t a feminist, I wonder if you have truly understood the definition. I can’t imagine that #1 isn’t supported by most intelligent folks.
From Dictionary.com:
fem⋅i⋅nism /ˈfɛməˌnɪzəm/ –noun
1. the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.
2. (sometimes initial capital letter) an organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.
3. feminine character.
I just want you to know that I laughed so hard I almost shot tea from nose. *This* is hilarious (AND TRUE).
And that sad part? I LOVE the Dodge Charger, but now? I’ll never buy one. GAH.
Lynette´s last blog ..An extra kick in the pants
All though this ad is clearly sexist I can’t help but find it hilarious, mostly at the expense of the fragile men it’s directed at. It showcases how vulnerable a man’s masculinity is. How they seriously need the horsepower to affirm some heterosexual animal instinct they feel they have lost. It’s so odd that so many men are becoming so defensive about it “this is the kind of ad I can relate too” really this car will help you deal with carrying chapstick around? Ok.
Check out this youtube parody.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX6_jCvAqCA
I missed ALL of superbowl due to traveling.
I’m with Amy.. SERIOUSLY Heather, you and your awesomeness. Make this a video, read it, whtever.. you are brilliant
I absolutely adored your response to the ad! Mostly, the ad just bored me. Why are they staring at me? Is that how he’s going to look at me when he listens to my opinions of his friends?
tracey´s last blog ..I cleaned my office…
Thank you! I hadn’t laughed all week! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I might have just peed a little while reading this post.
Rebecca´s last blog ..Let it snow
I didn’t see the commercial, have no desire to do so but this was such a funny post! My favorite was:
I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast.
I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast too. Because neither of us revels in the idea of having sex with a fat ass, so you’re welcome too.
Still laughing!
-r
and what’s really strange about that dodge commercial and the other dodge charger commercials is that the narrarator of those charger commercials sounds like the biggest whiney-ass kvetcher EVER. he sounds like a big ole spineless weenie. i have to mute those charger commercials because i always feel a violent urge to kick the narrarator in the balls.