Even though I am 1.5 pounds and two days behind on my weight loss goal (139 by the time I turned 36, which was Monday. I was 140.5 instead. Woe is me, I know.), I’m sitting here eating the last piece of my 567 calorie per slice birthday cake.  Because, for whatever reason, baggy sweatshirts say I can eat another piece of cake. Exactly who is going to see my bloated belly at school dismissal?

NO ONE.

Because I’m wearing my husband’s sweatshirt.

I had this food/weight loss theory in my twenties and, man, it totally worked! My theory was eat the cake (or cookies or brownies or chips or nachos) as fast as you can, then you can get on with losing the weight even quicker.

And by “as fast as you can” I don’t mean gobble it down in 3 nanoseconds, though if you don’t eat that fast, you certainly are rejecting your fundamental rights as an American. That’s how we eat in this country and to do otherwise, to chew and enjoy your food in a leisurely fashion, is to peg yourself an outsider, possibly as a Russian spy. Forget that “hiking in Iraq and, oops! we accidentally got lost in IRAN” bullshit. Just chew slowly in this country and we know you are up to no good.

(Please wait while I go lick the stray bits of icing off of the cake platter.)

(Uh oh. The cake platter was made in China and I just licked it. I’ll probably die of lead poisoning now and will be buried in a baggy Lands’ End sweatshirt.)

By eating the food fast, I mean in a matter of days, preferably just one, but two is okay. In genius Heather food theory, the hypothesis is you aren’t drawing the calorie intake out over several days but getting it over with all at once, and so can start burning it off sooner.

Let me break it down to a mathematical equation:

12 cookies + 1 day = less fat in the long run

Granted, some people find New Math confusing and have a hard time comprehending such a radical and complex theoretical equation. But trust me, I am a math whiz.  It worked for me.

Until I turned 33.

Of course, 33 is also the age I started blogging.

Evidently blogging throws a kink in the New Math metabolic force field, so I created New New Math, which I will now explain:

blogging + commenting ÷ twitter + facebook = more fat in the long run

I had more amazing insights into this New New Math to share with you, but when I stopped to dip a tortilla chip in a tub of sour cream (also known as the nectar of the Heather Gods), all my amazing ideas flew out of my head.

This probably sounds counterintuitive to New New Math, but I wonder if I blogged more about my food issues, like in a series, if it would actually help me solve the problems. It could be a type of quantum blogging physics for food – it works opposite of our classic understanding of how things should be.

I’ll have to fully ponder on this later. We’re going to McDonalds for dinner.

(We just got back from dinner, and shit, y’all! I think there is a Russian spy in our midst. Payton leisurely ate his food . Please alert the CIA.)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 12:05 am and is filed under A Bunch of Nothing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.